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Original poster

sexting hubby

23 replies

bossmummy1 · 08/10/2014 21:46

Found out 6 mths ago my husband had been sexting my best friend for a few months b4 her husband caught her.
Now this sexting happened 2 years ago but I myself only found out 6 months ago after someone slipped up.
When I Confronted my husband he tried to excuse it has harmless fun and although I made if pretty damn clear my feelings abt his opinion of harmless fun he still refers to it as such. He really doesn't see how serious this is to me.
Now my dilemma is even after 6 mths of trying to deal (never forgive or forget) with this I can't seem to get over what happened I feel so betrayed and no matter how hard I try I can't get it out if my head.
I now see my husband in a different light I no longer see him as the man I married I don't know if I actually love him or not and intimacy is awkward as I no longer want to get dwn n dirty and try 2 avoid as much contact as possible.
I am in such as state as to what 2 do 4 the best coz we do have 3 children together and I feel my possible choice to end it may severely impact on them,I know it's not great to stay just 4 children but even tho he's the 1 that done wrong i feel like the evil one because it'll be me making the cut.
any advice would b great about now

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 08/10/2014 22:02

I'm not sure I could come back from that. Not just for what he did but with your best friend? ? You have been doubly betrayed and for what? Why would he risk his marriage for sexting? It isn't harmless fun and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do (((()))).

And don't feel guilty, you're not the one in the wrong. He took the gamble that his marriage might end when he started this. You can't help how it makes you feel and I'm sure most people would feel the way you do.

ComingtoKent · 08/10/2014 22:13

I'm sorry this has happened to you. What a betrayal, and from your "best" friend as well as your husband. I've been in a similar position and did everything I could to get over the betrayal and keep the marriage going. It didn't work.

I felt that it was me breaking up the marriage too. It wasn't. And it's not you. It's him. His actions have killed your feelings for him. Try to remember this. You're not over reacting or being unreasonable. You're reacting to a huge betrayal by HIM.

Sadly it will probably turn out to have been more than texting. And presumably "harmless fun" would therefore also apply to any secret sexual messaging that you might have done with his mates?!?

It's all so bloody awful, but the children will be alright. Better than they would be if you try to keep it all going for them and end up completely despising their father. That's not a healthy example.

I'm sure other, wiser advice will be along. But I would say, don't do what
I did and waste years trying to make something alright that was never in your power to change.

theoriginalposter · 08/10/2014 22:15

I am in a very similar situation. My husband betrayed me over a year ago, but not "as bad" as a physical affair. I can't seem to get past it and now feel so trapped. I don't want to ruin our children's lives over what was (probably) a minor indiscretion but I feel exactly the same way you do.
Does he know how you feel?

CurlyWurlyCake · 08/10/2014 22:20

Please don't feel like the evil one. He made the choice to change your marriage for the worst, how you react and need to deal with that shift is not blamefull or evil, he did this.

It must be a double whammy having your best friend involved. It means you have two issues to dea with.

I would need space and peace to sort my head out. Tell him/pack his bags and no contact with both of them for a few weeks. Are you in touch with her husband?

yougotafriend · 08/10/2014 22:30

Why is that men don't get that the betrayal is the worst thing, not what they did.....he has had a flirtatious relationship with an OW (can't even get my head round the best friend bit) behind your back. I doubt you would feel less betrayed if it was a full blown affair.

Harmless fun??? If that was the case why wasn't he showing you any of the messages? Or why weren't you given the full picture when her OH found out???

Because it's WRONG that's why. 2 yrs ago and she's been your 'friend' in the meantime....I am seething on your behalf OP...Neither of these people considered your feelings.

You are perfectly entitled to feel as you do and consider the future of your relationship.

AnyFucker · 08/10/2014 22:34

Isn't this often the case ?

The betrayed person sweeps the shit dealt out to them under the carpet and thinks they can get over it.

They can't, and they really shouldn't have wasted their time trying in the first place. What is the point when the trust is gone and it is clear the cheater never paid any consequences.

Joysmum · 08/10/2014 23:44

If he sees this as harmless fun, that means he'll do it again given half a chance.

Personally I'd never try to make things work with anyone who couldn't admit they've done wrong and take responsibility of it.

Original poster
bossmummy1 · 08/10/2014 23:59

Hi all and thanks for your replies, to answer CurlyWurlyCake question yes I'm still in contact with the ex bf husband as he's my cousin!! (they are no longer 2gether due to other reasons, mainly she's slept with most of SE London behind his back) and to yougotafriend, my cousin felt at the time he was doing right by me as he didn't want to cause me any hurt, the old saying of what you don't know won't hurt you??????
But in he end I felt a complete mug because unbeknown to me most of my cousins side of the family and a few other of my "friends" knew the whole time they just never told me.
When my husband gt caught out rather than apologise to my cousin all he replied was ok,you'll never see or hear from me again. And after that he took a dislike to my ex bf for no apparent reason at the time and when I tried to find out the problem he sed it was her cheating ways, not the fact that he thought if he could cause a rift in our friendship their "harmless fun" could be hidden from me.
When I asked husband if it was such harmless fun then why so much effort to hide he truth and all he kept saying was "I don't know, I don't know I really thought it was innocent" like WTF!
He does get how I feel to a degree as I've talked before about not being able to deal with it,and when i tried to get up the guts to properly tell him how i was feeling towards him, then all I got was emotional blackmail by him saying he has nothing or no one if I ended this and he doesn't know how he'd cope, he'd probably 'top' himself.
So yet again I was made to feel like my answer could cause him to do something stupid and again the buck falls on me.
So me feeling all this guilt and I wasn't even the 1 to cause this ??
This shit suck ????

OP posts:
Original poster
bossmummy1 · 09/10/2014 00:19

Oh and to add to my marriage history we've been together 18 years married 10.
And at he time of the 'fun' phase we were not going through any problems (that I knew of ) and were what I thought happy in our relationship.
The sexting started off my my ex bf msgin my husband about problems in HER marriage and at some point down the line it was MY husband that initialised the sexting convo's and then they both carried it on. I know nude pics were asked for but neither will admit if any were actually sent. I was also told by my cousin (he see some of the msg's as he took her phone and checked it through his on feelings of something going on but not knowing what) that msg's such as my husband wanting to tear her undies off With his teeth were said and talk about next time i see u type msg's ( I regularly had dinner round theirs,by invite)
Reading this back to myself I can see how shit it all looks but for some reason my guilt of ending the marriage and hurting my kids is doing me in Sad

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 09/10/2014 00:21

It sounds like you need some space. Tell him to fuck off for a while. If he cares about you at all, he will.

Original poster
bossmummy1 · 09/10/2014 00:28

Lol tallwithglasses I do like your reasoning it's just my own guilt (though I don't why why I feel that way ) that's stopping me from making that step

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/10/2014 01:10

Why do you feel guilty?

You did nothing wrong and if anyone asks why you ended your marriage you simply say "My husband was having an affair with my best friend". Because it was an affair, they can try and minimise it all they like but it was an affair. An affair is when someone puts their emotional and/or sexual energy into anyone other than their partner.

Your children will suffer far more being in a family where mummy cant even look at daddy much less touch him than they will in a family where mummy is happy, confident and secure and they have an ongoing secure relationship with daddy.

Dont trade your future for an imagined issue with your children, they wont thank you for it I promise you. My parents stayed together after my fathers affair and it was hell. They are now still together 30 odd years later and blissful, but my sister and me will never get over the horrible childhood we had due to the atmosphere, the rows and the fact that we were used by my mother as an outlet for her anger. She didnt want a divorce as "people like us" dont get divorced. We both wish she had.

Bogeyface · 09/10/2014 01:12

And stop having sex you dont want just to try and convince yourself that it was you he wanted really. It will destroy your soul.

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/10/2014 01:22

all I got was emotional blackmail by him saying he has nothing or no one if I ended this and he doesn't know how he'd cope, he'd probably 'top' himself.

My cheating STBXH threatened that. He's still alive sadly......

Bogeyface · 09/10/2014 01:32

"If you leave then I will kill myself as I will have nothing left to live for!"

"You must do whatever you think is right, but I am not responsible for your decisions"

Rinse and repeat

AnyFucker · 09/10/2014 02:20

Pathetic man . Threatening suicide is the lowest of the low. How can you respect him after all this ?

He won't do it it, btw. He'll be whining to some other woman and getting into her knickers before he could draw breath.

Vivacia · 09/10/2014 06:34

If it was just harmless fun, then why did they all hide it from you?

If it was just harmless fun, then what's to stop him doing it in future?

It wouldn't be you ending the relationship, sounds as though his actions did that a long time ago.

I think that your feelings are completely natural and understandable. I wouldn't want my partner touching me either after this betrayal.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 09/10/2014 06:51

You are right to feel the way you do, dead right.

magoria · 09/10/2014 13:19

You feel the way you do because he is still lying to you and taking you for a fool.

It is bullshit that he thought it was all innocent.

He still doesn't have to basic decency and respect for you to be honest and I don't think you can ever move on fully when one party dismisses what they have done and subsequently the hurt they caused the other.

Jan45 · 09/10/2014 14:24

Guaranteed it's not the first time, his reaction tells you everything - he doesn't give a fuck and has zero respect for you. Tell him to move out, have some space, then you can decide if you want him back or not.

He broke the trust, not you, he changed the relationship for the worst - not you. I certainly couldn't be with a man that I can't trust, the reason you can't get over it is because deep down you know you can't trust him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/10/2014 17:44

Maybe it wasn't physical when found out but who's to say it wouldn't have got more intimate? Would he have started picking fault and detaching from you? I'm not sure it "just" being sexting lets him off the hook.

They both enjoyed themselves behind your back. And nobody told you.

As for threats to top himself, he had the nerve to throw that at you? Suppose you had reacted to the news by 'doing something silly'? What he does is beyond your control, he made that very clear two years' ago. If that is the only reason stopping you from acting in the way you see fit, remember he brought this on himself.

Original poster
bossmummy1 · 09/10/2014 20:33

Thank you to all who have replied. I know now what I need to do for my sanity and mental health I have just got to get past the feeling of I shouldn't feel guilty and get stuff done,I just hope I can do it soon coz I seriously can't keep on with the false hope to me or him anymore I know he'll b cut up and I will be upset for the end of our relationship but this is not the life I want anymore so need to make a change.
Again thank you all for you support and messages xxxx

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 09/10/2014 23:28

You've given this man 18 years of your life and look how he honours the commitment! Time to cut him loose and find someone who deserves your love.

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