I'm really not sure i can handle my situation much longer.
I have ended a 15year relationship which deep down I've always known was wrong. But we have had our beautiful children and I cannot have regrets.
History is this....I fell for a grieving man....I instantly thought I fell in love but what I did was become his support. Hehas always smoked cannabis continuously he was unemployed and I helped him get out of debt with dealer get a job paid for holidays and after a few years we bought a house together and I remember quickly feeling it was a huge mistake but that I was trapped. He seemed so vulnerable and needy I couldn't leave him.
He was very jealous and controlling and would often kick off when we were out causing a scene. He is jealous of anyone else's success and really angry with the world that he hasn't made success.
I'm so embarrasses writing this as no I can't tell u what I was in love with I think I was a carer nothing more.
Due to gynae treatment sex became uncomfortable and he would bully me to do it calling me a liar.
I fell pregnant with first child....he got made redundant.sank into depressed state smoking pot, staying up all night playing computer games and he didn't wash for weeks buts still insisted I gave him oral sex despite me feeling repulsed.
He paid no attention to normal life, helping me manage finances etc. As soon as I gave birth I was job hunting for par time jobs I could work around the baby as he refused to work.
I took 2 jobs on 11 weeks after the birth.
I remember accepting I was gonna live life as a single person with an I'll man at home. He didn't want to leave the house and I was happier as I knew there would be no ugly arguments.
A few years later he did get a job and it was here he had an affair with a colleague while I was pregnant. I found out 2 days after birth. I begged him to leave, he declares his love for me and I now know he has a clever way of playing with my brain. Couple of years later I stupidly went on 2 dates with another man....dp found out. I admitted and told him if showed our relationship is over. He spent most evenings since (its been six years) bullying and insulting me for what I did and quizzing me about every little detail. My response is always we are over but never manage to get beyond that, because he declares his love.
Sex is unpleasant and he makes stupid demands like a blow job is only a blow job if I swallow his come. And he keeps count of how often I do it.
I have always worked part-time he has been in and out of work....at one point we were getting into so much debt I got a job with a decent salary and offered to swap and he be at home. He agreed but then complained when I had to work evenings or weekends. He then found fulltime job and we swapped back but his salary is tiny...he spends money but never looks at bank balance....so I have to draw his attention to the fact we have no money....which results in him being angry with me calling me greedy, butt he never attempts to look for higher paid jobs.
He is less dependant on cannabis less needy now but I realise i do not lived this man. He does have a good relationship with children although can lose his temper at time.
I have always hidden his behaviours and out on a brave face pretending life is fine. But I started to confide for the first time in a male friend who was incredibly shocked and supportive. I then spoke to a good female friend and suddenly weight was off my shoulders and I could see I was being bullied to stay in relationship I was not happy in.
I told dp it was over once and for all he could not accept he cried begged got angry told the children mummy doesn't love daddy anymore. Kept trying to hug and kiss in front of children. In the end I told him I had feelings for someone else to make him realise I meant it.
Now 2 months down the line he is insisting I should be thrown out and he keeps house and children as I've had an affair.
I've had verbal abuse most evenings, I'm sleeping with my children I try and go out in evenings or lock myself in bathroom. He will not ho out only to work leaving me no time with the children.
I have sought legal advice...and its all very supportive.....with domestic abuse being the label given. I did arrange mediation which he refused....and now after seeing his own solicitor has accepted to go but s dragging it out as long as possible.
I know it prob won't happen. ..but I can't help living in fear of losing my children. I cannot come to terms with why I cannot just choose not to spend my life with him without assacinating his character in a court room and labelling him an abuser. He is vulnerable I am human I do not want to knock him any lower.
I have offered him the equity from our house, I dont want csa so he can afford to buy. Place and we can share our children amicably.
He betrayed me every evening for being n evilmothe doing this to our children and I should just move out and one visit them.
I am so frightened as he can talk and he is very convincing he keeps convincing me I'm a bad mother even though I know I'm not!!! What if he convinces a judge!