Does anyone live with their In-Laws?

[Writerwannabe83]

I don't know if this is the right place to ask about this but it is kind of affecting me and DH.

Three months ago my MIL unexpectedly died leaving FIL feeling very lonely. He doesn't have any friends (his life centred around work and MIL) and the only family he has is my DH.

FIL is struggling to be alone in the house he shared with MIL and it is also far too big for just him.

He has made a suggestion to DH that we sell our house, he sells his house and we join finances to get a big house between us. He said he will have the modern day version of a 'Granny Flat' so he completely has his own space (I don't actually know much about Granny Flats) and he said he will not impose on mine and DH's space at all.

My DH feels very sad for his dad, obviously, so is thinking seriously about FIL's offer, taking my thoughts into account too.

I get on very well with FIL but I don't know if I want to live with him - even if he does have his own space. He implied that with the set up he imagines (an attached granny flat) he will have his own living room, own bathroom and own kitchen and that it won't really be as though we all live together.

Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Both my DH and FIL are grieving and I don't want to be the one who says no if they feel they need to be close to each other.

Don't do it. I lived with PiL for a year as jobs weren't as forthcoming as we expected.

My relationship with them suffered, even though we had our own living room, it was difficult as we were intruding on them and they on us. It was nothing they did, or we did, it just was hard living with parents that were not mine that I couldn't tell to stop doing/saying something if it irritated me, and DH doesn't have that kind of relationship with his parents (whereas I could easily tell my own parents to stop something or whatever). Not sure that makes sense, hope it does!

It didn't help that I have anxiety issues that were made so much worse through living with them, and I had nearly conquered them before we moved in. I'm only just about now getting back to liveable levels and we moved out over 2 years ago.

Our relationship is slowly recovering - we were never not civil but it was sometimes quite strained - but we do still get on as neither of us ever said anything to the other, just fumed behind closed doors. My relationship with my husband suffered too, but that recovered the day we moved out!! It helps that my PiL are lovely, and wouldn't dare criticise my parenting to my face I'm sure I do things differently to them, but they fully support how I wish to raise DC, which is really really lovely of them, but then they are lovely people to begin with. if your FiL is not supportive of you before you live with him, it is just going to get worse.

Another one here saying don't do it ! You will end up as a skivvy for two men instead of one. I am older than your FIL and no way would I want to do this .Also, beware that the two week holiday next year does not become a regular thing ... unless you really enjoy it of course. I have been there, watched the video etc. It WILL impact on your life and marriage and I guarantee not in a good way . You are not a ready made replacement for the domestic services his wife used to provide just because you are a woman . We don't have " mop and scrub " genes in spite of what some men seem to think ! I am sure your husband is concerned about his father at the moment but he can show his concern by ensuring his father re builds his own life and not by allowing him to move into yours .
Just say NO.

Thanks everyone,

However, just to give a more positive spin on FIL is that he's actually very, very tidy, his house is spotless. When MIL was here I think she was the lucky one as FIL did all the housework and cooking. There is absolutely no way he will expect me to 'skivvy after him' Plus, when there have been issues between me and DH my FIL has always been on my side, he's had words with DH a few times when I've been upset (usually about my husbands messiness) and he's always made sure his son knows how disappointed in him he is that he doesn't do more to pull his weight around the house. Although FIL can have his moments in general I would actually be gaining an ally of sorts.

I have probably painted him in a really bad light but apart from the off fault he really is a lovely man.

It does worry me though how many posters have said they have lived with the IL and it's really put a strain on the relationships.

With regards to the holiday DH has already mentioned that it could be something we do each year. I said that's fine but I think we'll wait and see until how it goes next year first.

Thanks everyone,

However, just to give a more positive spin on FIL is that he's actually very, very tidy, his house is spotless. When MIL was here I think she was the lucky one as FIL did all the housework and cooking. There is absolutely no way he will expect me to 'skivvy after him' Plus, when there have been issues between me and DH my FIL has always been on my side, he's had words with DH a few times when I've been upset (usually about my husbands messiness) and he's always made sure his son knows how disappointed in him he is that he doesn't do more to pull his weight around the house. Although FIL can have his moments in general I would actually be gaining an ally of sorts.

I have probably painted him in a really bad light but apart from the off fault he really is a lovely man.

It does worry me though how many posters have said they have lived with the IL and it's really put a strain on the relationships.

With regards to the holiday DH has already mentioned that it could be something we do each year. I said that's fine but I think we'll wait and see until how it goes next year first.

Only 60? Ffs!

I started a Masters when I was 61.

Let the dust settle from the bereavement and he may well start looking around. Don't give him the opportunity to make you his social life, you'll never be free of him.

He'll be going on holiday with you, sulking if you go out with friends, have anyone over, do anything which doesn't include him.

On the other hand, if he finds his feet he will probably get a new lease of life and have a whale of a time!

I think FIL would turn out to be no ally of yours at all; his track record of comments to you to date does not indicate at all that he is any sort of person you would want to be at all around. He has attempted more than once to undermine your own abilities on parenting.

Well FIL would be hot on untidiness because he himself has a very tidy house!. MIL knew this man and kept any excesses of his behaviours in check; now that she has passed on he has full reign.

What is far more concerning re your FIL is his ongoing insistence to try and boss you about re parenting your own child. That is really about power and control.

Even if he were saintly and you all got on famously and even if he had a fully contained granny flat (which isn't going to come cheap) it's still fraught with problems and risks. There is no reason why you should do this.

Seriously, you don't want to go with FIL to buy a car seat because he would be unbearable but you're contemplating him living within spitting distance.

FIL sounds like an individual that needs strong boundaries and your strongest boundary is proximity. This man could have another 30 years in him, do you really want to spend that time fending off unwanted advice and commentary. Your H doesn't sound like a great defence which means you are going to be responsible for protecting yourself.

Don't invite this man into your marriage!

I would add to the chorus of 'don't do it' - for your own sanity and the health of your relationship, as well as it being far too soon after your MiL's death to be making major life changes.

One thing I am surprised no-one else has mentioned is the strong possibility that your FiL may be remarried or at least in a new relationship within a couple of years anyway. He seems to foresee a future as a single man with no life of his own, and I am sure it is the last thing any of you are thinking about at the moment, but it is extremely common for widowers - particularly happily married ones whose lives have always revolved around their wives and their work - to find a new partner very soon. I can imagine that a fit, healthy, working 60-year-old widower with his own home would be a very attractive prospect to many divorced or widowed women in their 50s. And if he is not used to living on his own, he may realise, after an initial period of grieving, that he would be happiest in a new relationship. Bearing that in mind, selling his house and moving in with you would seem premature, as well as not good for all of you for many other reasons.

And even if he does not start a new relationship, he is still young enough to build up a network of friends and interests rather than becoming dependent on you for all his social interaction.

Late post but I would also say DON'T DO IT!

We share a property with my in laws (us in house, them in annexe) - a decision made because we desperately needed money to finish building the house.

Worse decision I ever made for so many reasons and now I am trying to get DH to agree to a move.

I haven't done it but would seriously consider it under the circumstances you describe. If he has his own living space I really don't see the problem. This is what family is for IMO.

This is a financial minefield. The type of places you describe are very. expensive. In these cases the older person usually puts in the largest amount but ends up with the smallest space. Also what happens if one of you needs to move. Your jobs, schools, he decides he does not like it. You both have to sell up and this alone can lead to bad feeling.

He is still grieving and this is no time to make such decisions. My mum remarried 4 years after she was widowed. Imagine a new partner who decides living in an annexe is not for her.

Don't do it! I'm in this situation with mil and it's nearly cost me my marriage. Let everything settle down. Don't make hasty decision in grief.

Happyhats - sounds like a situation similar to mine