Feeling blue after ending a shitty relationship

[pinkartset]

On Saturday, I split up with a guy I had met and started seeing in April.

From the start I wasn't too sure if he was any good or not. I've had a lot of shitty relationships and was constantly second guessing myself about if I was seeing too much into his behaviour etc.

He was very full on and charming from the outset. Telling me he loved me, I was his soulmate, wanted to marry me, have children, move in together etc very early on in the relationship. He started leaving his things round at my house within a week of us going out, which i was not that comfortable about either. I doubted that he meant any of it as he didn't really know me when he started saying it. I kept telling him I felt uncomfortable about the speed of it all, and he sort of took that on board for a bit but not really tbh. He also lavished me with flattery (unbelievable stuff like I was the most beautiful, intellegent, witty woman he had ever met - I'm not putting myself down in saying this, but it was way over the top!). He took me out to fancy restaurants all the time and took me on holiday (including a foreign one) 4 times! I guess I was a bit selfish, shallow and spoilt but loved the attention particularly as I've been a single mum for 4 years and haven't had this kind of attention in years. I really hoped that I my reservations and gut instinct was just years of getting burnt in relationships and that actually I had met a lovely man who was crazy about me.

But he showed lots of very controlling and jealous behaviours, and that was really the reason why he had to go. He always interrogated me about all of my ex boyfriends. He also interrogated me about who I was with when I was going out with my friends without him (we had a major row after I went out with some friends which included men and he got very funny about this). On one occasion I went round to his and he pretty much outright accused me of cheating before coming to see him! He would get moody/sulky if I wanted to see my friends or not spend a day with him if I had other commitments (once he announced on a day I had taken off and had arranged expensive childcare in order for me to some studying towards my degree, that he was going to skive off work so that we could go and have a day together - when I told him that I have to work on my studies he went very moody). I once told him that I wanted to join a local book group and he immediately piped up that he wanted to come too. I once turned up to a date wearing a pair of heels which he did not like on me because they made me look too sexy and tall.

He never had anything nice to say about any of his ex girlfriends, they were all crazy and stupid who used him as a doormat etc. They all seemed to last just a few months. He would also drop little nuggets about crazy sex he's had in the past and that he had had lots of lovers before me. He had a massive sex drive so could believe this tbh. He had a great magnetism about him.

Once when we were on a motorway, I can't even remember why, but he got upset about something I said, slammed on the accelerator and started screaming and yelling.

Writing this all out lets me see clearly about the relationship and this is helping me remember why it had to end. You may wonder why the hell did I stay with him, but the truth is inbetween all this crazy ass behaviour we would have periods of getting on great, fantastic conversations, laughing till were literally pissing ourselves, heaps of private in jokes. He also used to ring me in the evenings and we would chat and he would often be the only person I had properly spoken to that day or had taken in interest in me. He was very affectionate. I loved him and now I miss him. The idea on him not with me anymore makes me so sad.

Sorry this is so bloody long. I've found it quite theraputic writing it all out though.

Another thing was that he used to get very huffy if I didn't want to do things that he wanted to do, like going out if I was feeling tired or unwell. Never really respected my boundaries.

Well rid I'm afraid - but you know that really . Hope you meet someone nice next.

Read my thread on this page - "struggling after broken engagement / ex met someone else"

Narrow escape. Well done on getting out. Feel sorry for the next woman. Block all contact wherever possible- he doesn't sound like the sort of guy to be reasonable about these things.

Well on the upside, none of his relationships have lasted very long because he makes it clear from the outset that he is an abusive nut job.

Missing someone who makes you happy is natural, as is the relief of getting away from a controlling possessive asshole. You are going through both of those emotions at once. Of course you will feel lonely, you wouldnt be human if you didnt, let yourself feel what you are feeling. Dont fight it, let it happen and when you have worked it through you will come out the other side with "thank fuck I dumped him!".

Have you heard the term 'red flags'? You've pretty much listed most of the common ones in your story. Monopolising your time, irrational anger, rushing ahead, no respect for your decisions, badmouthing exes, inflated opinion of himself, suspicious/jealous etc Of course there were good times in between. No-one's a rotter 24/7 or there would be no attraction in the first place. Glad you had the strength of character to see it was wrong and chuck the bugger. You'll now be another addition to his long list of 'crazy' exes but it's a small price to pay.... :)

If you're lonely, do something to fix that. Make new friends, fill your spare time, do nice things for yourself etc. Loneliness can do weird things to your judgement.

Two months ago I could have written this. Seriously, I hadn't have been in a relationship with mine I would swear we were talking about the same guy.

Well done for getting out. I know it's hard. I still love mine. There are times I miss him like hell, but what you'll find is that as time goes on you'll remember the good times less and less and all your memories will be replaced with the one's where you felt threatened, tearful and frightened. Good luck.

I know this is stupid but a week after its ended I still feel so sad and down. I hate that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach - its a mix of fear, sadness and grief. I miss him so much. But having said that I don't think I would want to get back with him. We were incompatible at the very least, but he also showed signs of being potentially controlling etc.

We got on so well and I could ring him anytime. I have great friends that I can rely on but it is just not the same. It seems so odd to me, as the relationship was relatively short lived but he seems to have made deep roots inside me. I hope this time next week I'll start to feel a bit better.

Sorry for boring you all, I'm just venting.

Hugs to you OP. I've been there too. Single parent for years, had a very short relationship with a guy who absolutely swept me off my feet but I just knew there was something off about it and got out very quickly. It was over a year ago now but there are times I still think about him. He got married recently and I must admit to having a stab of 'oh no!' when I found that out. BUT he was an arsehole; he would have made me miserable and insecure. He already was making me miserable and insecure and we were only together a few months. And I don't doubt he will make his wife miserable and insecure, and I really don't get any pleasure from saying that.

Some people are very clever at getting inside your head but that doesn't mean they're a good long-term bet, and no man is worth putting up with controlling, weird shit for. Just think how much of a mess your head would be in if you were still with him in a year's time.

Have a good cry, go out with some friends and talk about him until they want to run away screaming , accept you're going to feel down for a few weeks. It's temporary. If you'd stayed with him, the shit feeling would have been permanent.

You're one of the strong, clever ones who knows when to get out.

Word of warning - he WILL try to get in touch and charm you back. Do not, do not give in. Block, unfriend, delete. He won't change. You just need to plod through the crap bit for a few weeks. Think about your DC - their stability and happiness is worth a lot more than this tool.

And well done. Shaking my pom-poms for you, a strong woman who knows what she has to do and does it.

Thanks for your message stickymouse . I know that it is the right thing for me to have ended the relationship but I still feel sad that we are not together anymore and keep reminiscing about the good times when really I should remind myself of the bad times. I actually wrote out a list of things that he did that really upset/annoyed/disturbed me and the list was absolutely massive! I should concentrate on that. I've had other relationships which were much more long term which did not seem to effect me as much when they ended than this one is. He seems to have such a hold on me. I have a feeling that he won't get in contact now. We had actually split up a few times in the months we went out and when we did he would manage to hoover me back in but now it feels in my bones that it is over on both sides. If he did get in contact I am certain I would not take him back. I'm feeling such a mix of emotions.

Oh yes, keep looking at your list and adding to it as things occur to you. I had one of those and it kept me sane for the first few weeks. I had it on my phone so that every time I remembered something twattish he'd done I could add it on.

I just read it again for the first time in months and I'd already forgotten a lot of it. Some of the most telling stuff is really small fry, but it all added up and made me remember why, from day to day and almost minute to minute, he had me second-guessing myself constantly.

I think it's human nature to grieve for the good stuff and gloss over the bad stuff, but don't let yourself do too much of that or you'll end up with a distorted picture of what happened. You haven't 'lost' a good man, you've kicked a bad man to the kerb. For your own self-esteem and state of mind you need to keep that front and centre as much as you can.

I have a diary of 30,000 words on my laptop about my ex.
Only the first 2,000 words are "it's so amazing". 20,000 after that is "who the fuck is this person, what's happening?" and the rest is my recovery.

Pink I ended a relationship last week and I miss him. It's the first proper relationship I've had since I divorced 9 years ago.

We got on well, we laughed, sex was amazing, he was besotted with me, all very powerful stuff

But I found out he'd been violent to the mother of his daughter, she told me, and his response was just not acceptable. He blamed her for winding him up

I had to dump him as I just couldn't forgive him or accept his explanation

I know how you're feeling though, you get used to texting and the calls, having someone there

It will get better - we will meet a good man one day

Is it possible you are missing being in a relationship rather than being with him? Any of the good times are completely negated by his other behaviours. This sounds like an absolute car crash of a r'ship IMO. Maybe you are lonely and miss having someone regardless of what they are like. I feel for you as I have been there.

Shit - I'm sorry for boring everyone again about this but its still very much effecting me. I can't quite almost comprehend how much he managed to get a hold of me. Today has been a bit tough. I just feel like I have no energy and have been in a terrible mood all day. I know he is going out tonight as I have foolishly social network stalked him this week and saw he had plans to go out so my feeling is that he must be going out on the pull. I wouldn't put it past him.

I've been reading loads about psychopaths/sociopaths this week and so many of his character traits seem to fit the bill. He was extremely charming and glib . He wanted to commit immediately (like within a few days of meeting ffs!). Lavished me with compliments, gifts, holidays and nice meals. He told me I was his soul mate, he had never met anyone like me before, I was the one he has been waiting for his whole life, talked about the children we would have together (even thinking of names...), the big house we would have etc. He had the biggest sex drive of any one I had ever been out with before. Literally able to go at it all night, with little time for a breather in between (sorry if this tmi). Was constantly wanting sex. I think he also mirrored me a lot, I've had problems with my relationship with my parents (whole new thread on its own!) and he was supportive and told me about his "difficulties" with his parents. He also claimed to have the same interests as me which now I think was just manipulation. Like why would I think he actually liked ballet or poetry like he said he did. Probably just to reel this fucking idiot in .

But was also very controlling, very possessive and jealous, was never wrong etc. I remember when we were on one of our holidays together we had a big row (I think it was one of our first ones as it was early on in the relationship) because he got upset that I was slightly put out that he had told me not to sleep with a blanket over me. I can't sleep without a sheet at least and he wanted us to sleep with nothing on. He was showing his controlling behaviour really early on. When he introduced me to his friends and colleagues, he told them I was "his partner" despite at that point we had literally only just seeing each other. I think "partner" is more relevant if you are at least living together and you share things like finances and responsibilities etc. Whenever we had any kind of argument he would always manage to turn it round to me, like it was my fault or that I was being too sensitive. He compared me to his previous girlfriends in terms of "I've never been out with someone like you before" like I was weird (even though at 44, he had no long term relationship to speak of, I believe his longest relationship was a year which had been in his twenties- and even that one he told me his girlfriend had been crazy, telling everyone they were engaged when they weren't).

All throughout the relationship with him I never felt that comfortable. My gut instinct from the first few days was "oooh I'm not too sure about him". I knew the whole "you're my soul mate" thing early in a relationship was a massive red flag as were the controlling behaviours but I thought that if I just kept an eye on it and was aware that it was happening I would have more control and wouldn't get hurt. I did a lot of second guessing of myself. I also really liked him and desperately wanted him to be genuine. We did get on so well in between all this shittiness. Now I feel so angry with myself for not listening to my gut instinct earlier. My friends did not like him either. I would tell them over the months that we went out about various things he did or said which I wanted to bounce off them and they thought he was bad news. In the end I started to not confide in them about it because I felt like a dick because I knew they didn't really approve iyswim. When I finished with him, they were relieved, my best friend told me she had been worried that it might have turned dangerous for me.

I feel now like I've actually fallen in love with him and now just feel so shit about the whole situation. It also pains me to think that he was some sociopath and that actually the last year really did mean absolutely nothing to him. I've always suffered from really low self esteem and felt like my family never loved me. He probably just saw this in my body language and swooped in with all his compliments. It just makes me feel really sad.

Hey I've recently split from someone I now believe to be a narcissist. He was. A very old friend and knew all about my troubles with my ex h, he swept me off my feet and offered me everything my ex wouldn't.
I was totally bowled over and blown away, head over heels, a few people suggested it was a rebound thing or mentioned the frying pan and the fire but I thought we had it going on...
Very early in our relationship he started making disturbing comments, if I challenged him he'd say it was a joke or suggest it was me projecting my own 'issues' and making something out of nothing. He then started showing a nasty temper and little lies, omissions and half truths started rearing their heads. I couldn't challenge or question him, I was really uncomfortable and kept splitting with him but kept getting back with him, partly because the sex was awesome (or so I thoght) and we had some really good times as long as I didn't rock the boat.
Anyway I have a lot of shit going on in my life and the relationship was causing me too much angst so I was planning to end it for good when he started to really change, he became ultra gentle and romantic, really sweet and thoughtful, not losing the plot and I started to think maybe we had a future. One day I felt a bit uneasy, it was a minor thing but whatever it was it tempted me to look at his web history, I found loads and loads of porn (he denies being a porn user) and lots of searches for specific escorts by name and locally as well as regularly logging in to dating sites.
It suddenly made sense, how when I'd thought our sex was edgy and exciting he'd actually been degrading me and acting out his hatred and disrespect for women, how someone as highly sexed as him could have stayed single for nearly seven years.
I let him go, I didn't tell him I'd snooped because I know he'd turn it round on me somehow. I have deleted him and blocked him from email etc and don't want anything to do with him, he repulsed me on the one hand but on the other hand I really miss him or things about him, physically and emotionally, we used to share some really fun times, loving times, great in-depth conversations (when he wasn't patronising me, or subtly telling me I'm not good enough) so I totally understand how you feel about missing him and feeling sad. I'm sad for what I though we'd had, what I thought our future would be, I'm sad I let him abuse me and I'm sad an dear old trusted friend has turned out to be such a wanker.
I am reading lots and lots about narcissists and psychopaths and also reading a lot about how to heal myself. I can't afford private therapy and don't qualify for nhs counselling so am trying to fix myself from the inside out.
It's so hard because I'm completely physically run down, emotionally wrung out and exhausted from all the practical stuff I'm trying to manage from my divorce as well as managing the break up from the next guy.
I'm probably not helping much, sorry I went off on one there....eek, I'm trying to say, you're not alone and what you're feeling is perfectly normal.
Have a read about trauma bonding,Stockholm syndrome and wound-mates. Interesting stuff. Sending you supportive hugs .

PS you're not a fucking idiot, these men are very skilled at mirroring and for such nasty bastards they are actually very sensitive to your needs and vulnerabilities so don't blame yourself just love yourself and try to learn about recognising red flags so that once you recovered you won't get fooled again.

I did the freedom programme online which really helps to put some of it into perspective.

Thanks for your message along. I'm glad that you managed to get out of your relationship too. Sounds like he was not very good either. Hope your healing goes well. That is something I am trying to do now. I can't afford counselling either nor am I eligible for nhs help so am doing lots of self help reading this week - have got myself the Lundy Bancroft book, together with You Can Heal Yourself by Louise Hayes and Why Men Love Bitches. Hopefully I can learn something from them...

Another thing that I felt throughout my relationship with him was a growing latent sense of anxiety. Whilst I was with him I developed various phobias which hadn't been a problem before in particular serious vertigo and just general jumpiness which has subsided now that its ended. I think it must have been connected with the anxiety and confusion that he must have induced in me.

Often if I disagreed with him about something, he would argue (not necessarily shouting) but twisting his and my words around to the extent that I was really confused about what was going on. I would actually forget what the disagreement was about, what I had said and would generally feel confused and slightly almost dizzy/hazey if that makes sense. I think he was very skilled at confusing the shit out of me.

I am also a single mum and my ex never complimented me so new guy I am dating is saying all the right stuff, did you find your ex to be dominant in the bedroom. I only ask as my new man is more domineering like grabbing hair and stuff. Not physically abusive but different to how he is out of the bedroom. I find myself wondering if its a insight into a more domineering side. I don't want to get to deep and miss signs.

My ex didn't pull my hair or anything like that gotta. He was very full on and confident in the bedroom though. Definitely coerced me into having sex with him a few times when I was feeling unwell or tired. I guess with the hair grabbing thing its about whether it makes you feel uncomfortable and how he responds to you telling him that that is the key to whether he is going to turn out to be abusive or not.

My ex was an amazing lover, great imagination, loving when it counted and pretty lively but one day after an argument he started to get a bit rougher during sex and the name calling began which escalated into sitting and slapping, lots of strangling and all sorts, he always acted really surprised and said he was just tapping into what he sensed I wanted. He always checked out with me after that I was ok, I was just so grateful to be getting sex I convinced myself it waxjustvedgy. Now I know more about him I just feel abused.

pinkartset thanks for the tips re the books, uncanny the counselling conundrum, we should be proud we have it in us to try to make the difference on our own, I'm sure it takes great strength and emotional intelligence.

The arguing and twisting are very familiar as well as the anxiety, I was in bits with him!

Not waxjustvedgy 'was just edgy'.
Time for bed!

Wow OP we have broken up with very similar men just 1 day apart!
I came on here a few months ago as a slightly concerned new partner to a man who was starting to show a lot of the signs in your OP.
He told me he loved me within weeks, had moved in without any proper discussion within 2 months and took me to see his parents in this time also (abroad). The beginning was all flowers and how amazing I was and cooking for me and spending time with me. Things shifted a little before our 'holiday' and the compliments ceased, cooking ceased and on one memorable occasion I thought I'd try to get the spice back and appeared naked in stilettoes in the kitchen for him. His reaction? "What on earth are you doing. (tuns to finish making coffee) You had better get a dressing gown on or something" and that was that. I simply couldn't be sexy. I turned into a shy schoolgirl then and it hurt that he couldn't even make a joke about it. There was also a lot of comparing me to his ex wife at this point which continued to the end. Nothing makes a woman feel sexier than hearing she was a size 6, hey?
As soon as we got to his parents I was ignored for 5 days; left for 3 hours alone in their flat with no way of knowing where he was or leaving, only parts of a couple of the conversations we translated for me so I had no idea what was going on or where we were going at any given time, he didn't hug me/kiss me/hold my hand and his parents didn't want us in the same room (he is technically still married!) so it really really opened my eyes in a massive way.
Once I realised what I was with (selfish workaholic who probably monopolised his ex wife (picked her jobs for her!) and who had a plastic vagina in his shed - says a lot about his ideas on feminism that one!) then I got out faster than a flea on a sex doll. It took 3 months in total and I should have left before the holiday. You just wanted it to be right, and you probably think you might be able to change him - YOU CAN'T.
You cannot live like this. He was trying to make you feel like a toy, he knew best. It is tempting if you are weak or vulnerable to get used to this - at last someone who can tell you what to do and how to do it - especially as a single mum who is always having to be in control of EVERYTHING. I do get it, but please take some strength from me - I also feel pangs of what if, but I see them for what they are, a fantasy of someone who I want to one day meet, not the one who wouldn't let me feel sexy and worthwhile.

Oh and the gaslighting - so so much of it! Also pretending to use metaphors for situations all the effing time and then eventually you loose sight of whatever the hell you were trying to talk about in the first place...
They really do all follow the same pattern!

Sorry for slow reply Lovely. Hope you're feeling better following your break up. Your man sounds like a massive twat and that you're well rid!

I'm back on here again as I'm still feeling quite blue. Have started to feel slightly better but usually when I'm alone (and particularly in the evenings) I start to feel quite sad and teary again. Been listening to a lot of Adele and other "end-of-relationshippy" songs while sobbing into a cup of tea is how I would describe my evenings this last week [embarrassed]

I spotted my ex on the street yesterday whilst on a bus going back home from visiting a friend. It really shocked me seeing him and made me feel sad all over again. I do really miss him.

I know I should concentrate on the shit times but it is hard. I can't help missing him, having a supportive person in my life (although as time went on he was becoming increasingly less supportive if not downright draining).

It was two weeks today that we split up and I still feel like shit.

I am boring everyone shitless about this I'm sure. I keep going on about it with my rl friends (who have been amazingly supportive and would never tell me to shut up) and also everyone on MN. Thank you!