Relationship w sister-in-law

[CheersMedea]

I would welcome advice about how to manage relationship w SIL/ brother and help for my own feelings.

I am one of 3 siblings and we are (were) a close happy family. My younger brother very recently married a woman that none of the rest of my family like for a number of varying reasons depending on the family member ( this is my parents, my other brother, his wife, me and my husband - 6 people in total). She has just announced she is pregnant.

It is awful to confess this (don't hate me) the news upset me terribly. I realised that I had been hoping that they would get divorced/separate at some point and he would realise what a mistake he has made.

One of the reasons I have been so upset, is that I have realised that now (once the child is born) this awful woman will be part of my brother's life forever but also someone that will be part of my life forever.

I don't know what to do. I have no relationship with the SIL, nothing in common with her and think she is one of the rudest, most mannerless women I have ever met. She comes from a very different socio-economic background from my brother (and our other spouses) and her family behaved in the most dreadful way at the wedding. I've previously tried to build a relationship with her but have given up; I think realistically there is no prospect of us ever getting on/being friends - not least because now I really dislike her. My husband has caught her out lying about me to my brother (making up things about what I have said to her). She is trying to turn my brother against the rest of the family and it's working.

The fact of this pregnancy has made me really depressed and I keep dwelling on it. I keep thinking that this woman and her terrible family will now always be part of our lives. I also feel terrible that I am miserable about a pregnancy; I feel like that this makes me a monster. I can't tell me brother how I feel or why I am so down. My husband says that things may improve after the birth but I can't see why this would change anything.

Would welcome any advice, particularly from anyone with similar experiences.

Yyy to scones post

OP, you are right, your DB having a child with this woman means that this is 'forever' - unless he's a wanker, he's going to be part of her life forever. I guess you were hoping she was just a mistake he'd realise.

But perhaps, you need to reflect, that as this is the woman he's chosen to spend the rest of his life with and start a family with, that perhaps you didn't know him and what he wanted from life as well as you thought?

You thought the sort of woman he was with before was the sort of woman he wanted, but that's not the case.

Sadly, I think you need to accept that you won't be as close to him as you hoped, your brother is chosing to build a very different life than you thought he would. Unless he's a complete wet fish, he's probably chosing this, even if it's taken someone else to spur him on. And he wouldn't be the first 'slacker who didn't care about money' to get a bit more career minded once he had responsibilities.

My DSIL was a snooty, public school pia, much older than my DB, divorced with a son she didn't have care of, and needless to say we didn't like her. But we did make an effort and in the end she was who my DB chose, he loved her and wanted her as his DW, who knows why, I couldn't see the attraction but you have to lump it.

Also you are seeing things as a position which isn't going to change but, who knows, DSIL might have the most cute, fun, lovable DC that the whole family is happy to spend time with. She might change her attitude and give priorities to her DCs and DH and forget about the inheritance.

Try to accept what you can't change, things could improve anyway.

I understand the pregnancy thing. I have a friend whose wife I don't like and my heart sank when I found out she was pregnant. But there's not much you can do really, assume she has some redeeming quality you can't see and move on.

I am the SIL in too (it is nice reading the other posts and realising that I'm not alone) so I agree with a lot of the other posters providing an alternative perspective. I'm not saying that you are like my SIL, you sound more aware than she is.

Anything that my SIL doesn't like about the decisions we make as a couple (including not having canapes at our wedding) I get the blame for. She makes a massive assumption in deciding that I am overriding what my DH wants and attacks me without even asking him about it. She is the main thing that DH and I argue over. I'm giving up on trying to make it work and just protecting my sanity. She has kicked off this weekend (I'm getting the brunt of the blame again) and it will cause problems for the whole family over Christmas and probably into the New Year. We will see as little of her as we can get away with. This will impact everyone, grandchildren, siblings and grandparents.