I'm going to report the man that abused me. Advice please

[Icantthinkofanamerightnow]

Prompted by another recent thread I've decided to report the man that abused me when I was a teenager. I answered an ad for a cleaning job, cleaned for a bit then he offered me more money to let him take naked photos of me, which progressed to oral sex and touching. I was 14/15 and used to bunk off school and visit him. I was unhappy at school and home, he used to feed me, give me money, it was like he was looking after me. I realise now he was abusing me but for a long time I felt like I was just dirty and a slag and basically a prostitute. I've found his house this morning on streetview. It's brought back so many memories. It was 20 years ago. I've had a look at some suppport websites for victims of histrorical abuse. I know it has affected how I have dealt with men in life, I think it taught me to use sex as currency. Why stop being a slag when thats how I started off.

I'm a bit unsure of where to go first, the doctor and ask for counselling first, straight to the police? Has anyone here done this? There was another girl in my class who was doing the same thing. Should I contact her and ask if she would report him with me? I haven't spoken to her for a very long time. Would it be unfair to name her to the police, she might have just forgotten about it and not want to bring it up, can I say that I knew of other girls he did this too?

Would be really good if anyone can tell me what to expect.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience.

I would suggest you contact Rape Crisis as a first step. They are specifically geared to help people like yourself and can offer good advice on how to go about reporting to the police and what support services there are available. I don't think it would be unfair to name the other girl. This is your story and she is part of it. If she doesn't want to be involved in an investigation, she doesn't have to agree.

I'm sorry but I have no advice.
But just wanted to say you are being very brave confronting this.
If you can get back up from another person who suffered alongside you then I'm sure that will help.
Good luck and well done!

I reported historical sexual abuse 5 years ago. Sadly the CPS didn't take the case forward - it wasn't in the public interest. (The man is now a vicar )

That aside, the police were lovely and I was treated with consideration and kindness.

Good luck

tb that is what I am afraid of, raking it all up for them to say they won't pursue it. Did they arrest the man?

I also think I'd feel incredibly bitter if I went through all the upset of talking about it again, for nothing to come of it.

Do you really think you would feel bitter if it didn't result in an actual prosecution? Would you not get even a small amount of satisfaction if it was just investigated - or recorded? If this man attacked two children to your certain knowledge and if you assume there have been others before and since, it could be that he's already known to the police.

Good luck. Im so glad you are thinking of reporting it.xx

I know someone who reported a historical abuse case last year. The police were informed first who were amazing, tell them about this other girl and they will follow that up rather than you approaching her. It was a hugely emotional year with massive lows for the person involved. The police offered counselling and victim support which wasn't taken up.

The case was heard and tried and the abuser got 5 years and s/o register for life. They have to go on what the sentence would have been then rather than now. In this case the guy would have got life.

A strong relationship or tight friendships will help you get through this. Chat to the police and they might suggest more.

I think I'd feel very very angry. It feels like an enormous amount of stress to go through for nothing to come of it.

It's not comparable but I had a dispute with a bank a while ago, I know it's not the same, I went to the financial ombudman, it took months of letter writing, Then the ombudsman went in the banks favour. I was so upset and angry and wished I'd not bothered. The anger I felt after just consumed me. It seems minor but the unfairness of it really bothered me.

I DO know its not the same but it will be very very scary talking about it. I've never ever told a soul. Just thinking about saying it out loud is scary. And if they decide not to prosecute I will feel like I've gone through all of it for nothing.

I don't really know how far the police would take it. I always felt that because he gave me money I was agreeing to it. It's not like he held me down and raped me. It was much more subtle. At the time I felt like he was looking out for me when other peope didn't care.

I'm certain there were more, he told me about another girl who he had the same arrangement with for a long time.

would I have to tell my family? I really don't want to burden my Mum. My sister is having MH issues and blames my Mum, I think she'd blame herself for not stopping it. I think she knew I had the cleaning 'job' and was getting money from this man.

Would the police want to talk to her to discuss the family situation at the time, which wasn't great. I'm a bit worried about setting something in motion I can't stop.

Rape Crisis are not in a position to prosecute anyone which is why I suggested talking to them first. They know how scary it is for victims. They understand why people don't speak up for years. They know about coercion, grooming, and how children (often with other problems) can be made to think this was a legitimate relationship or that they'd gone along with it voluntarily. Look at these poor girls in care homes, desperate for affection, who thought they were going to parties with 'boyfriends' only to find they were being set up for abuse.

There are counselling services to help you understand that it wasn't at any stage your fault. Rape Crisis will not push you to report to the police because they know that, having gone through an experience where control was taken away from you, it is important that you are fully in control of this part of the story.

It's very brave to decide to report it however you have to be prepared to accept that you may not get the result you want from it. You will have to give a very detailed statement to the police which is video recorded. The. CPS will decide whether their is sufficient evidence for a realistic chance of a conviction in court. Obviously if other people come forward that will increase the chances. Cross examination in court can be a traumatic experience and you may not get a guilty verdict.

Not saying don't do it but just be prepared. Think about what is your real purpose in doing this, closure, control, justice?

Have you had any therapy about the abuse?

The police asked to talk to my friends family and gf about the consequences and how it affected him to this day, they also wanted to talk to his mum about what she remembers. The gf and mums statements of how it affected him to this day were read by the judge - he sympathised but couldn't add more to the sentence due to his hands being tied. I think the jury might have read these too. His sister vaguely recalled something but couldn't remember 100% so she wasn't called. His father refused to testify or be interviewed (there are other reasons I could go into by pm if wanted) so his fathers thoughts weren't used. The police would tell you more.

I've never spoken about it before to anyone. I think my motivation is justice in a way, but also I think revenge I want him to pay for what he did to me. He made me feel like the only thing I had was my sexuality and that was the only part of me that was worth something.

scarlet That is what I am afraid of. If he admitted it when they arrested him would I have to go to court?

cog I'm going to call rape crises tonight after work.

If he did admit it then you wouldn't have to go to court in person. However if he has good legal advice he may well be advised to not admit anything as these cases are notoriously hard to prove. If it's just one person's word against another it's unlikely the CPS would take it to court as it would be hard to obtain a guilty verdict.

Be careful of wanting 'revenge', as it may be you who ends up getting more damaged by this.

I think getting skilled support to help you with how you feel about yourself and your body/sexuality may be if more use in the long run.