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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me make it up to dh.

11 replies

Spaceboundeminem · 08/10/2014 09:22

I have bipolar 1. I have been admitted in the past but as they have closed so many psychiatric units this episode even though I was more ill they refused to admit me.

I am a childhood sexual abuse victim and as a result of that and bipolar when manic I tend to believe God is talking to me. When I hear him speak he says that I must sleep with rapists peadophilles and abusive men. That once I do my blood is poison and the man if he is unholy will be punished.

On my last episode God also instructed me to take drugs.

So I became a drug addict(clean now).

I told DH all of this before we got together as I wanted him to know what he was letting himself in for.

Over the last year I have slept with a dealer for drugs. I slept with a very abusive man often coming home covered in bruises. i also started sexting people and found someone I suspected of peadophilla and the voices told me to trick him into admitting a crime. He was also into Sado masochism and admitted he found kids attractive. Over skype in order to gain his trust I started acting out some of his Sado masochistic fantasies. Want to make it clear I never even spoke to him about my dc for fear.

Now that episode is over and I have told dh everything. I was crying my eyes out and vomiting. He just held me when I wanted him to scream and shout and walk away. But he said he is just grateful I wasn't seriously hurt physically.

I told crisis team everything while it was happening repeatedly and begged them to admit me but they wouldn't. It was a mixed episode so I had moments where I was depressed and could think a bit clearer.

These memories will haunt me forever and I am physically scared from the things I did for these abusive men some injuries required hospital treatment.

I love my dh very much but how can I ever make this right? How can I ever sleep again when everytime I do memories come flooding back.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 08/10/2014 09:30

I'm so sorry that you are suffering in this way. I have no experience of this so not much help I'm afraid.

I think though that some form of complaint should be put in towards the team who are supposed to be looking after your mental health as it looks like you are being failed on some level.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2014 10:01

I don't think you can 'make it right'. His relationship with you is entirely his call.... same as the rest of us really. We are none of us in a position to change the emotions of others towards us. If he accepts and loves you as you are, cherish him. If he rejects you, respect his decision.

Spaceboundeminem · 08/10/2014 10:02

Thank you I am thinking about complaining. But I know that they shut the two local psychiatric units and the nearest one is two hours away and has no beds so I am worried my complaint will hurt the mental health team when its the governments fault for budget cuts.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2014 10:09

Did the crisis team tell you that they couldn't admit you because of budget cuts or did they tell you that they couldn't admit you because of clinical judgement on their part? FWIW there is always money for emergency treatment.

If you believe your condition was acute and severe (which it sounds like) and you were let down by medical teams, complain

Spaceboundeminem · 08/10/2014 10:12

They said they wouldn't admit because since the nearest psych units closed you had to travel far to get a bed and that they were full of druggies so I would likely come out worse than when I went in.

OP posts:
Spaceboundeminem · 08/10/2014 10:15

Dh atitude is that there is nothing to forgive. He said I was burning cigarettes regularly into my vagina and legs and cutting my arms regularly. That he could hear me arguing with voices in my head and he blames the mental health team.

OP posts:
Spaceboundeminem · 08/10/2014 10:16

But I wish he would get angry at me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2014 10:22

Then the crisis team were making a value judgement on the quality and appropriateness of the care available and they let you down by ending up doing nothing at all. It's like saying that the A&E department is far away and full of drunks because it's Saturday night..... so we won't treat you for a broken leg. That's not acceptable

You cannot make another person feel an emotion they don't feel. if your DH says he is not angry, you have to take him on face value. Your illness has punished you enough already and I'm sure he doesn't want to add to it. You're loved... that's a nice thing.

YackityYakYak · 08/10/2014 12:05

How would getting angry at you help?

Do you really feel you need to be punished for something that is so far out of your control?

It sounds as though you have a wonderful husband. But just as he wasn't able to pull you out of your episode, neither is he able to deal with the after effects of it for you, he can just support you while you deal with it.

Yes, he is hurt, but YOU didn't hurt him, did you? Not the 'healthy' you.

How you can make it up to him? By being as kind to yourself as you can be, and to do everything within your power to minimise the chance of you falling ill again.

snowdragonista · 08/10/2014 12:17

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately, the mental health service in this country is at breaking point in my experience. Woeful lack of beds and in some areas there are no longer 'voluntary patient' beds and psychiatric inpatient care is only offered to those who have been sectioned and are a danger to themselves or others. Its unfair, I know.

Do you have the care of the home treatment team, at least? You have a bipolar type 1 diagnosis and clearly suffer from psychosis when you're unwell, so they should be taking this much more seriously. Do you have a care plan in place? Are you seeing a psychiatrist regularly?

If you feel strong enough, it is worth writing to the complaints manager at your local mental health trust and explaining how unsupported you feel. It has worked for me in the past in speeding up referrals for help (I'm BP Type 2).

Whatever happens, you obviously need more support than you are getting. A care plan, which your partner could be involved in putting together along with you and your psych, would be a good place to start. It should lay out in a document what your triggers are, signs that you are becoming unwell, and what should happen in the even you become manic again. It can be a very useful thing to produce, as it helps your partner learn to identify triggers and signs, and gives them some feeling of being supported and having some control when you become unwell.

Good luck x

snowdragonista · 08/10/2014 12:21

I should have said also - are you in regular therapy? Part of the problem of bipolar in my opinion is the particular cycle of need it produces. The awful things we do when manic or in a mixed episode are damaging and you'll need therapy to deal with those specific issues, as well as ongoing help for your condition and the effects of childhood abuse.

I know that horrible feeling of looking at what you have dine while manic all too well. Its sickening and makes you feel worthless.

Your partner sounds like a wonderful man, by the way. I'd recommend he has a look at the forums for partners and families on the bipolaruk website.

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