Terrible guilt at end of relationship

[Ijustworemytrenchcoat]

My partner and I are on the verge of splitting up. We have a 14 month old child and I cannot stop the overwhelming feelings of guilt I am having at ending our relationship. I feel like I cannot function anymore, I keep welling up at work every time I think about our son.

We have been on rocky ground since not long after he was born and have lived apart for periods but we have been trying to make it work. The situation has really deteriorated over the last few months mainly involving what I see as interference from my MIL and his failure to support me enough. There is so much resentment and anger on each side now I don't think we will ever get any respect back for each other as long as we are together, I think apart we can once again recognise the good and concentrate on our son.

I know relationships break down, but I just feel like such a failure, my child is so young and already from a broken home. I am embarrasses to say I care about what people will think of me as well, of being judged by work colleagues, friends and family. Most of all I keep thinking back to when we were living apart, I think it affected my son badly, he would cry when his dad dropped him off and cling on to him. Even now when we are still under one roof he is clingy with him, almost panicky when he goes. My heart is breaking at the thought of separating them again. It will be my fault he doesn't see his dad every day and I don't think I can live with it. When we were apart before he dropped in to see our son every day and took him out when he could and we had started overnight visits from 10 months, but this time it will be a more permanent separation so he said there will be no daily visits. He says he is happy to see him once a week, that it is better than the situation now. I don't think it will ever be better for my son to see his dad so infrequently.

I have tried to stay together for the sake of our son, but it doesn't work. We have both tried but the old issues keep resurfacing. My heart is saying it is wrong to separate them and we should just keep going but while I could have lived with what had become more like a friendship during the 'good' times I can't live with the huge arguments and icy silences. It will never end and I know it would be damaging to our son to stay, but I need help to see it. It's better to leave isn't it? I feel like I am ruining my son's life, but I know he will end up damaged by parents who hate each other if we stay together.

Of course it's better to leave. You only get one shot at life, you have to make the best of it for yourself, and all those other people.... colleagues, friends, family.... are probably too busy getting on with their own lives to spend too much time judging yours. And if not, they should be.

Where children are concerned, ask anyone who grew up in a household were there were huge arguments, icy silences and a big absence of affection between the adults and they'll tell you it was seriously miserable and damaging. Don't subject a child to something you find intolerable. You have a choice. They don't.

Your DS is 14 months old. Think back to your own childhood and I doubt you remember very much before the age of 4. If you and your ex get into a good routine during his toddler years and if you are mature about it and find a way to cooperate for his benefit then he will not know any different. Many children grow up hardly seeing Dad because he works nights or away from home... it's not the time spent with a parent that's important but how secure and loved the child feels.

You don't remember what happens when you are tiny, but that doesn't mean it has no effect on you. It may be worse in more extreme cases (think Romanian oprhans), but I always thought that my ex might have been affected by having to spend long periods in hospital at a very young age, without his parents. He is today still afraid of being alone, e.g. without a partner.

Having said that I fully agree that what's important is how secure and loved the child feels. My husband was left on his own in the hospital, which wouldn't happen today. Your child has you there worrying about him and wanting to give him the best you can. You're so concerned about making him feel secure and loved that you'll never be satisfied, whatever you do! But that's a good sign.

Oh, and yes, staying together in a shitty atmosphere is not great. Do you feel as if you shouldn't expect to be happy and thus that you are doing a good thing when you sacrifice your own wishes?

"my child is so young and already from a broken home. "

On this point.... The concept of a 'broken home' as in not having two parents under the same roof is very out-dated. Families come in all shapes and sizes and are accepted as such (with the exception of some bigoted holier-than-thou types that can be safely ignored). Adults living independently with children are totally normal.

What was your own childhood like? Are your parents together? Happy?

The worries you outline above are absolutely normal and go through every mothers mind when she is considering a separation.

But ultimately what they realise is that a bad relationship affects their dc negatively anyway and that they have got nothing to lose by starting over.

Be brave and make the jump.

Thank you for your replies. I will quickly reply because have just started crying in the work canteen reading them.

I wasn't being derogatory with the 'broken home' comment by the way. It's just not what we planned, although it is not what anybody plans is it?

I agree it is not good for a child to grow up in that atmosphere. I think he notices now. I am trying my best to just disengage now, like for example last night after my day off my partner (ex?) came in then right out and didn't come home till after the little one was in bed. I think it was designed to get a rise out of me but I won't play got for tat. I will go home after work today and spend time with my son and doing the bedtime routine.

My parents are still together and are happy, they argued occasionally but nothing out of the ordinary whereas my partner had a bad childhood in this way and can remember sitting on the stairs listening to the arguments. Neither of us want this. I just wish we could get along and stay together but we have tried and failed so many times.

Several people we work with love to stick their nose into our business. One in particular who lives alone and has never had a relationship has already quipped to him when I was on maternity leave about his family leaving him.

I just keep thinking how I couldn't bear to see my son so infrequently. Yet this is what I am doing to my partner. Although he says he doesn't want to be with me anymore either and wants us out he loves his son and I keep thinking of him going home to an empty house night after night.

"Yet this is what I am doing to my partner."

When a relationship fails, it is a two-man job. For it to succeed is a two-man job. If both of you can't make it work then both of you will have to accept that it's over. That's not you 'doing' something to him.... it's not vindictive or malicious.... it's just a sad fact of life.

As regards your son, the same applies. If both of you are committed to making his life as secure and ordered as possible and being the best parents you can be then there will be sacrifices and compromises but he will have a great upbringing.... probably better than it is now.

Don't beat yourself over the head about something that you can't fix. Whatever you do, it's not going to be ideal (is it ever?) but you're doing your best and your son will benefit from it; be proud of that instead of focusing on what you simply cannot do.

How about your partner? Is he saying that he wants to be a full-time single dad? Is he suggesting alternate weeks?

My DCs were 11 months and 2.3 years when I separated and I felt exactly how you do. The guilt was huge, so many tears and yes they too cried when their Dad left after a visit.

Roll on 5 years and they're happy, adjusted and used to it. I never speak badly of their Dad, I enable good contact and amicably co parent and I'm happy on my own.

It'll be ok. I read a book called 'What About the Children' which I found helpful and read things like 'It's Not Your Fault Koko Bear' with the kids.

I also had a course of counselling and went on ADs but I emerged from that dark time and I know I made the right decision. Remember those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

On the one hand he is saying he wants me out, and on the other constantly bringing up that I took his baby away from him before. I always made sure he saw him though, the longest he went was two days when we had an argument and he stayed away. I don't think we'll be able to keep up daily visits if we are both to move on.

Dontstepon do you mind if I ask what your contact arrangements were? My son has had overnights with his dad away from me before, I don't know whether it will be better to do that from the start or if it will be too confusing. I don't know how it could ever be enough for my ex to see his child once through the week maybe and once at weekends, I don't think I could cope with only seeing my son that little, I don't know how he will .

He used to come to me as he was living in a bedsit at that point. When they were very small he'd come for short visits here and there and I'd keep busy, then sometimes he'd take them out for a while and bring them back and then sometimes we took them out together as the DCs liked it. I had to push for him to see them at one stage. As the years have rolled by we've got into a rhythm for contact. It's not as much as I'd like but they're used to it now. He sees them once a week for a few hours due to his shifts and living arrangements.

They're both in school now and life is very busy, so perhaps that's part of why it's ok now?

You'll need to work contact and boundaries to what is right for you here. Don't let guilt cloud the issue, look at what's fair and reasonable. Facts not feelings.

He said you took his baby away from him? I'm starting to get an idea of where your guilty feelings come from.

You are not doing anything to him. You are both doing something to yourselves as a little family, together, because it needs to be done. You are presumably the one staying with your son because your partner is not able, or has not offered, to be the primary carer. This is presumably an arrangement that you both know is the most practical and sensible. It's also a major burden on you, as well as on him. Or is all that not the case? Are you solely responsible for him not being with his son?

ravenmum he does bring it up in arguments I never stopped him from seeing the baby. It was quite the opposite. I felt so bad gift the baby not seeing him that even if we were going through a bad patch I tried to keep contact as separate as possible.

Yes I will be the primary carer and he will have regular access. I just don't think it would be in my son's best interests to have a 50/50 split, I think it would be too unsettling, and quite selfishly I just couldn't bear it. I am working part time and have childcare so it is the mist practical. I still feel at fault though. Quite annoying that he is shouting at me to get out of his house while blaming me for doing just that in the past. No, it is not solely my fault: the blame is on both sides. We hold each other in such contempt that there us really nothing to be saved.

Good grief woman, you are really beating yourself!

Yes, many relationships fail. Yes, many children have unhappy childhoods. Yes, all relationships should be happy ones but, we are human, and part of human nature is to change, and in that change, you end up, sometimes, not being comfortable with people who you wanted to be with until the end of your life.

You seem so ridden with guilt that it makes me think you are one of those women so tied up with keeping within society expectations, that end up more bitter by divorcing than by staying in a rubbish marriage. If you think you are, you better stay put. Divorce is not for the faint hearted, if takes a lot of courage to go through one, it is much easier to stay.

However, if you really think that you can go through this and still be able to look at people in the eye, and look forward to the future, go ahead. You will face different problems but you will feel much much better. Staying in a bad relationship is slowly killing you inside. You will feel much lighter and happy once that the shock wears off.

If you think that being divorced is something to be embarrassed about, that you are ruining the life of a fourteen month old, please don't. DS is old enough to feel the stress between his parents but he won't be able to remember either of you if you disappeared for a year. He won't know any different, and he will be fine spending his time between two houses, as long as you don't pass your frustrations and disappointments onto him.

And yes, go ahead with overnight contact from the set go. How does a parent get to know their child, learn to cope with eventualities, discipline and learn that parenting is not all about the fun stuff if s/he only takes the child out for the day? You need to promote the bonding between them and that would be about learning to spend time together on their own without you in the background as a safety net.

50/50 contact would be hard but you can decide what's best here during discussions with lawyer/ mediator etc. It sounds like he would prefer infrequent though? Which isn't great. Your DS needs set dates on the calendar to look forward to, especially as he gets bigger and special time with his Dad. Not just an afternoon. If he's a good Dad, you should always encourage that.

Don't let him guilt trip you about the past. It sounds far healthier to separate than stay together.

Memyselfand1 you have got it right that I care what people think! I have always even this way, very self conscious and easily embarrassed. I work with my partner so we were office gossip from the start, and they are a small minded bunch at the best of times. I was so scared of letting my family down as well, of being the odd one out, the only one who couldn't make it work but I think they are just relieved I have made the decision after so much backtracking. They are all completely on my side and offering support.

I don't think I will end up bitter. I want to sort my life out. Start using my education, get a better job, work towards a better life for me and my son. But I see flashes of future relationships down the line. I don't want to be alone and bitter.

Dontstepon no he doesn't want infrequent contact, it's just when we separated before he saw him nearly every day and says now he can't do that. I understand we actually need to separate. He has threatened before to go for joint custody during a row by renting his house out for income so he can go part time, he then backed down and said he wouldn't do that. I have no doubt he wants to play a full part in our son's life whatever his feelings for me.

I worry about what people think. You're not alone. Choosing to take the imaginary label off my forehead saying lone parent/ failure/ broken home and recognise that I was a good parent and it was better apart and not to care what small minded people thought was a battle. But you get there. A lot was in my head I'm sure.

All 4 of my brothers are happily married with kids. I'm the black sheep. But 5 years down the line I'm happy on my own with the kids. They're eating breakfast, I'm drinking coffee whilst on mn and this little flat is full of peace and love. It gets easier x

So last time, you arranged for him to come round every day even though it must have been awful for you? Did he discreetly take your son off to his place, or did you have to hide in the other room? Did he hand him back bathed and fed?

It sounds to me rather like your guilty feelings have made you a little too generous, to the point of suppressing all your own needs and wishes, and he's going along with that happily.

Interesting that he backed down when it actually came to 50/50 childcare. Surely he knows as well as you do that it is more practical for you to be the primary carer? If so, he can shut up with those comments designed to make you feel bad. Make that clear in your own head and maybe you'll be able to get it across to him.

I hope he is not shouting at you to get out in front of your son. But why is he shouting that at you at all? You've both agreed that you're splitting up. You seem keen to take an equal share of the blame, but he sounds aggressive and unpleasant.

It doesn't sound like you'll end up with 50/50 contact, but that seems to be something that scares you. What exactly is it that you are scared of?

Yes it is so hard to not care about what others think, I hate the thought of being judged. I should be holding my head up, I know I am doing my best for him in the long run.

We were on friendly terms after a while so he could come round and it was fine and congenial for the most part. A lot of the after work visits were just flying visits, and I understand he had his own life to live. As far as day long visits (and later the overnights) he is a good dad capable of looking after him so I had no worries there. For the day visits he'd tend to bring him back for his last meal or take something I had cooked but he got better and batch cooked to stock his own freezer.

I definitely don't want 50/50. I don't think it is good for my son, I think it will be too unsettling, and from a selfish point of view I just wouldn't like it. The thing that scares me is thinking of my son potentially only seeing his dad twice a week even if one is an overnight. It is such a drastic drop, if it was me it would tear me apart. It just doesn't feel fair, he loves his son just as much as I do yet he will lose out. I am hoping eventually that we can have a set level of contact and on top of that he could drop by occasionally or take our son out when he is a little older and has a later bedtime.

Selfishness is when you ONLY take your own needs into account. Not just when you take your own needs into account among others. You sound quite the opposite of selfish to me.

My ExH saw them a lot when they were little and it was good for them.

If he can take him out often that's not a bad thing. As long as he doesn't use that as a precedent to push for 50/50. I'd seek legal advice on the best way forward tbh. So you're doing what's best for DS but also protecting yourself here.

My Ex was reasonable and my divorce simple and quick. That's unusual. So I never worried about precedents or him pushing for 50/50 and loads of overnights which would've unsettled them. On the other hand they loved seeing him often and I even let him bath and put them to bed but he wasn't abusive to me when here and respectful. He also couldn't have them overnight at his anyway. So my situation is different to a lot peoples.

Do what's right for you here and DS and seek advice.