Oh god, oh god. I've finally done it!

[sprinkleofglitter]

Here's my original post (Posted in June)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2110909-Removing-Toxic-People-LONG

I've finally sent the letter asking for no contact with my Grandmother.

I actually feel sick. I want to break the post box open & remove it. Where's the feeling of relief?? I'm still certain it's what I wanted & need to do. I don't regret it as such. But I don't feel like a weight has been lifted. I just feel that this is now the beginning of a whole lot of s**t. I'm preparing for the backlash. Praying my mental state won't crumble & will allow me to remain strong. Oh god. I feel so sick!

You will feel that way initially. Well, I did anyway. It is fear because you have been conditioned to do as you are told.

Come back here when you need to. We will hold your hand.

You will feel that way initially. Well, I did anyway. It is fear because you have been conditioned to do as you are told.

Come back here when you need to. We will hold your hand.

Thank you financialwizard. I hope the feeling of nausea & anxiety will pass soon. But it's a comfort to know that this is a normal way to be feeling when taking a step like this & not my brain having a bit of a melt down :)

Sprinkle I have just read your previous post, and couldn't go without posting. I am speechless for you: no wonder you want to cut your Grandmother out of your life! You so deserve only good things in your life from now on. You have been through sooooo much - you are under no obligation to allow anyone or anything into your life unless you think that they will help and support you.

Hoping others will be along with wise words for you. Thinking of you

sprinkle you have been very brave.

This is a big step in gaining power over your own life and actually over your own feelings. I really understand how very deeply it shakes you to have taken this step.

You will probably keep feeling sick and plain downright odd for a while, maybe your feelings will swing to and fro. Expect a few bad nights maybe.

In a practical way, make sure you keep eating and drinking regularly, and don't drink too much wine until the fallout's done with.

You wrote that your partner had severe health problems, but I hope he can be a help and support here. Or a good friend or two.

Keep posting here if fallout comes. Expect the winged monkeys and plan how to deal with them. Work out what they might say and how you will answer; practise with your partner if you need to. Remember when you wobble that you are doing the right thing for you here.

Thank you, longtallsally. I've just had a quick read over some of the replies I got on my original post & it's made me feel a little bit stronger.

Thank you for the support - & to everyone else if they may stumble across this from my original post. It's been vital at times & greatly appreciated x

Thank you so much, Meerka. My DP is an absolute gem. His support has saved me on many occasions & I'm sure will carry me through this brief moment of anxiety & worry.

I suppose my greatest worry now isn't my grandmother writing a letter in return - it's my dad's sister I fear. She's evil & I know she won't stop unless she knows for sure she's worn someone down to their lowest ebb. I fear mentally that I won't be able to cope with that & I will end up at my lowest point once again.

I have tried to write this letter since January. That alone has been driving me around the bend! It's certainly something I needed to do & I know that even if I did it tomorrow or in 2 months or 2 years, I'd still feel the way I do now. Maybe it's all part of the moving on process?

Do you know what the stupidest thing is of all this? The overwhelming feeling of guilt. It's crushing. I feel guilty for if she may get upset. I feel guilty that I haven't just been able to move on from this without writing a letter that may upset someone. Then I feel guilty that I feel weak.

I know these are normal but ''irrational'' thoughts / feelings that I need to somewhat ignore. Because I know, deep down, I am not the one who should be feeling guilty.

I'll stop rambling now!

Have you read Toxic Parents? there's something that you're feeling very strongly atm, called the FOG - the Fear, the Obligation and the Guilt. It's something most people with awful parents / grandparents feel and it's the single thing that stops people breaking free and living their own lives in a good way.

|And yes speaking your piece can definitely be part of the moving on process. Even if you know it's not going to be heard, just saying it is partof standing up for yourself and taking (the right sort of) control.

Btw, can you go NC with your awful aunt too?

Oh yes, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt..... Its horrible. I'm experiencing a bout of it myself at the moment. I'm very low contact with my parents (both narcs, emotionally abusive) and I'm having a bit of a wobble. The critical voices are there - 'how can you do this to your parents?', 'they only want to hear from you more often', 'how can you leave them cut off like this?' But honestly OP, it gets easier over time. Remind yourself over and over and over again of the dreadful things she has said and done and remind yourself that you DO NOT have to put up with it. You have made the decision to put yourself first and to refuse to take any more of her crap. That is a hugely brave thing to do. Well done.

The guilt comes in waves - you just need to learn to ride them out. Good luck to you.

NC your Aunt! You don't even have to tell her, just avoid, ignore and block.

lotta have you seen that thing by perfectStorm? it's absolutely great.

Keep strong. You're entitled to live your life unblighted by people who make you feel shit and darken your life.

Thank you Meerka I don't think so - can you tell me more about it?

Lotta - I'm NC with my toxic sister and father, and I have no problem at all with that (23 years DF, 5 years Dsis) but i get the 'but it's your sister!' 'But he's your dad'. It's from mum, admittedly, and I just say 'well I don;t need people like that in my life, related or not'. She normally tells me how she could never do that to a member of her family - and she is one of 10 dc! - but it is water off a ducks back. She forced me, 23 years ago, to invite father to my wedding, and it was a huge mistake.

No going back.

Good for you captain. Its true what people say - life really is far too short to be putting up with toxic nastiness just because they're 'family'. Through therapy, I've become much more comfortable with the idea of putting myself first and realising that I have a right to want to be heard and valued and treated like I matter. Its been a bloody long slog (and far from over yet) but so incredibly, unbelievably worth it.

Perfectstorm wrote this:

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time.

it is a perfect summary to me.

That's lovely Meerka, thanks for posting it. I have often asked myself if I would accept my parents' behaviour from a friend or boyfriend - the answer is no. And it becomes even clearer if I imagine a friend being in my shoes, telling me how her parents have treated her - I would be screaming at her from the rooftops that she does not have to take it any longer! The guilt is much less than it used to be. I'm getting there

When you make space in your life by removing someone unhealthy, you are making space for someone healthy to enter it. I hope more positive healthy relationships find their way to you :)