Mucking it up again - come and bollock me

[Dinnerfourone]

I've NCd for this, apologies, might be a bit long...

I split from my DH close to two years ago, we were together for 11 years and have 3 DC. Our relationship wasn't brilliant for a fair while but I let it slip, as did he and it died very very slowly.

Towards the end, he'd given up and I meet an old BF who helped me to remember that I wasn't always so serious and miserable. I knew what I was doing was wrong but he made me feel good again. We had an emotional affair. I told my, then DH, about it and said, this is what I have with childhood BF but it's you I want it from. DH told me to enjoy it as he couldn't give it to me.

DH and me tried Relate but neither of our hearts were in it and over a period of a year or so, it went from bad to worse. I refused to back down from my new found confidence and I had found my voice again and i used it. All of the small things i had let go over the years, I fought back on, pushing and pushing, all the while meeting ex BF for coffee and a run (DH did know and there was no sex involved, but still)

Anyway, DH finally lost it and punched me a lot one morning in bed, I told to get out and that was the end.

Childhood BF is going through a divorce. His ex lives in the house with him and his DC (it's all very messy), our relationship became sexual about 4 mths after DH left. This was 18mths ago.

BF didn't want to define our relationship due to the mess we were both in the middle of and neither of us wanted it to be a public thing or to confuse the DC any more, they had very recently been through enough. We both have full on jobs and care for our children as single parents, so we'd snatch time here and there. We'd have sex, go for a run and are both involved in our local community.

This worked for a while. Then I began to want more, I missed him and fell for him in a big way. I felt that I was more into it than he was and I pushed for more. He couldn't give it and so I cut him out to self-preserve.

That was six months ago. We probably had the first 2 mths with no contact and then it started to creep back in with the odd - always 'important' text message, then he'd pop over, always with a purpose, often with DC. Just friends though. Then it got flirty and Sunday, I slept with him again.

I seem to be on this path of self-destruct. I do have massive feelings for him, he tells me he loves me but can't be with me until things are clear. His divorce is due any day now but then there will be custody issues.

My ExH and I are getting on much better than before, he has the DC and helps out. No complaints there at all now the dust has settled.

I don't know why I pursue this clearly wrong relationship? I feel like I have to keep making myself a victim, I know it's not right, we want different things, i'm not going to sit and wait for him and yet, that's what I have done.

Anyway, if anyone can help me make any sense of this, i'd be eternally grateful. Sorry it's so long and thanks for reading, i'm sure i've missed big chunks out, will try not to drip feed.

Bump

Erm...you are a booty call.

You are never going to get any more from him by the sounds of it.

If you love each other why is that wrong? Ok so having the affair might have been a bit off but you are both single now so why not be together? It sounds like thats what you both want.

He won't commit. He wants it to be 'right' ie. both divorced and living alone.

We have both been single for a long time but it's messy. My thinking is, life's too short and if you wait for perfect, you'll be waiting forever.

I do feel like a bit of a booty call BUT, i instigated not him.

Sorry but you are just a booty call.

You were unfaithful emmotionaly to dh so he cut you loose. Your married bf doesn't want to leave his family.

You need huge hugs but you also need to scrape up your self-esteem and live your own single life.

Thanks Penfold, I do think I struggle with self-esteem.

I have self confidence, but i do have a 'who'd ever want you' voice going on which does seem to make me cling on for dear life when i should be running away.

although I can't seem to shake him from my head.

I thought the married bf was getting a divorce though?

He is.
It's been a long drawn out process for various (sadly identifying) reasons, but it's due any day. They still live in the same house until the money is released and she will have 56 days to move out.

She wants out, their relationship has been over for longer than mine, it's just taken a long time.

Thing is these type of flings are great when they are going on but you feel rubbish when it ends.
Go no contact and give him some space then see what happens.
Keep your options open!

Oh Dinner you sound so much like my dsis. Please invest some time in yourself and the children then look for romance. Maybe some counselling?

Thanks chocolate, we did do the no contact thing for a couple of months but it's sadly close to impossible not to see him. Small village, same school, same community things (trying not to post too much detail).

Penfold, I've considered counselling, but i don't actually know what the hell for - not liking being alone? gah!

I do have time for my DC and I do invest 90% of my spare time in them and i love it. I have an incredibly full on job that involves travelling away two nights a week, they stay with their dad when i'm away.

I only see him on the odd weekend that i'm sans DC and he isn't working, maybe once a month? We didn't have a sexual relationship for six months but I wanted it on Sunday, so made it happen. Christ that sounds brazen.

So in theory he could be single and living alone in 3 months? Doesn't seem like a long time to wait for someone you love, but it the same time he seems to be fobbing you off with "someday" promises and no real plan of when the two of you will be able to be together.

Cut contact with him for now and focus on yourself. If he really wants to be with you then he'll fight for you when he is single and living alone. But it's more important for you to build up your own self esteem and get your own life back on track.

I suppose that's what i struggle with.
How do I build up my self esteem? and

I can only speak from my own experience - counselling, exercising and getting fit (which it sounds like you're already doing anyway) and finding something that I enjoyed doing and was good at that made me feel good about myself.

Where is good for counselling. ExDH and I went to Relate but i wouldn't know where to begin for just me?

I'd continue seeing him but without sex. If he wants to wait until it's all formalised (which I can understand in case there's ever any problems with what his children think etc) he can wait for sex too.

Try the BACP to see who is available in your area, and have a read up on different types of counselling and therapy
www.bacp.co.uk/

It sounds as though you need to focus on sorting yourself out before you can get involved with someone, anyone. Also consider the Freedom Programme - if you have experienced DV and find yourself heading into unhealthy emotional dynamics again then it might help?

I am shocked that no one has yet commented on how your ex husband punched you repeatedly. You were abused.

Abuse has an impact. You have already commented that your self esteem is very low.

I mean this in a very nice way, but you need to stop dating completely and heal from your ex husband abusing you, and a (seeming) pattern of bad and dysfunctional men.

If you heal yourself you won't even want this loser of a man who won't commit to you.

You will want more for yourself. You deserve more than either of these men and until you see that you are not ready to date.

I mean this very kindly and in your best interests. I hope things get better.

:)

I see Justwhateverreally just beat me to it by commenting on the DV.

Thanks everyone for all of your help.