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Original poster

The Marriage Course

26 replies

mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 19:05

Has anyone done the marriage course? We are three weeks in and seems to just be making everything worse.

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firesidechat · 07/10/2014 19:12

Is this the one with the Christian basis?

Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 19:16

Yeah. Although it's not rammed down your throat. Seems to be a mix of religious and non couples. I read about it in a Guardian article.

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AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 19:18

Is it all about STFU and "working" on your relationship ?

Especially the female ?

Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 19:21

Lol! It's about listening and putting the other persons needs first so far

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Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 19:23

...which one of us finds more challenging than the other!!

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AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 19:24

Who has the biggest expectation upon them that they "listen and put the other person's needs first" ?

guinnessgirl · 07/10/2014 19:27

Any, it expects equal work, communication, consideration and give and take from both partners in the relationship. To answer your unspoken but very clear insinuation, it isn't outdated or sexist Hmm

AuntieStella · 07/10/2014 19:27

I've just had a quick google. Is this the one decided by Nicky and Sila Lee?

If so, it's likely to be good as a pre-marriage course or as a reinforcement of common good (getting through a flat patch). I'm less convinced it is one to turn to whilst in crisis (though might be good if you are both committed to reconciliation and renewal).

firesidechat · 07/10/2014 19:32

Just typed a long post and lost it. Sad

I can see why you would think that AnyFucker, but no it's not like that from the little I remember.

We did it for fun really and with no real problems to address. Apparently I like presents and he likes nice words ie I love you. Grin

momma I recognise your name. Do you have problems that you are looking to solve? What are you struggling with?

Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 19:35

Yes that's right. I'm the one who is unhappy with how things are - he agreed to do it - but resents every minute. We just end up having a massive row either during or after. From everything if read - I'd hoped for better. Not the fault of the course which is good I think. Maybe the timing is just wrong or it's too late

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firesidechat · 07/10/2014 19:35

I tend to agree with Auntie.

We discussed a few things that were a surprise to me, but I don't think it's the place to deal with a marriage in real trouble. It's a bit too lightweight for that. It is done one to one over a small table, but you are in a room with lots of other couples, so not the ideal environment for crisis talks.

firesidechat · 07/10/2014 19:38

I would think that is your problem. It's got to be something you both want to do. It's not a course to drag someone along kicking and screaming.

Meirasa · 07/10/2014 19:41

Maybe you are getting exactly what you need from the course. Sometimes realising you are incompatible and unhappy is the best result. I'd sooner have a broken engagement rather than a divorce on my hands.

Maybe it's couples counselling ye need more than a marriage prep course?

Annarose2014 · 07/10/2014 19:42

To be fair it is meant to get issues out in the open before you walk down the aisle. Its meant to provoke discussion of stuff you may never have discussed before.

Our one raised a lot of subjects we hadn't really talked about, such as adoption, and what would happen if one of us became unemployable through illness etc and one of us had to be the sole provider.

There was talk about sexual expectations, and we had to tell each other how much religion we would each expect our future kids to be exposed to. So it caused a lot of discussion and we found it good.

Mind you, we had the worst row ever during it, about something stupid to do with the wedding ceremony. I was blindsided! And we had a real argy bargy. Luckily we worked out a compromise. But I remember thinking that if it weren't for the course we may simply have avoided all these conversations as we were busy being all loved up.

Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 19:43

Think I'm realising that. Stick with it and hope it gets better (think I'm hoping he has a light bulb moment!) or give him a clear out and bail?

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Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 19:45

No we are married already 2 Kids. There are two courses marriage prep for engaged couples and the marriage course. We just avoided celebrating our tenth anniversary !

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Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 19:47

Sorry for confusion!

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MLP · 07/10/2014 19:48

Did it two years ago and not sure it would really help for a marriage in deep difficulties. Agree it is more suited to being a maintenance check up.

We probably had more rows as a result of it.

I also found Nicky and Sila a bit annoying to be honest.

TotleighTowers · 07/10/2014 19:53

We did the pre-marriage course from Marriage Care (I think it is Christian in origin but we did a non-denominational version so there wasn't any explicitly religious content). We had a few arguments along the way, but we really enjoyed it in the end - it made us think and talk about things, and consider how our upbringings had shaped our approach to conflict, children, money etc.

The one area that was a bit tricky was money, where we weren't very good at pooling our resources. We were both a bit taken aback when the facilitator suggested that my fiancé pay off my credit card debts before we got married, in line with the promise to share each other's worldly goods. But the discussion ended up with us deciding to open joint accounts as well as our individual ones.

TotleighTowers · 07/10/2014 19:54

Oh sorry, just saw you're already married, so it wouldn't have been the same course... Ignore!

foolonthehill · 07/10/2014 20:03

IMO The course is ok and does have expectations of equal value and equal investment in the relationship. It is good at looking at how each person feels valued and communication styles

Unfortunately, just as relationship counselling won't work if only one of you is investing in it neither will this course enhance a relationship where someone is coasting or checked out.....

the person you go with is supposed to love and care for you and to be invested in the relationship...if he/she is not it can't solve that.

I did it with my abusive STBX.....obviously with no good effect.

As is commonly quoted, you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. The marriage course looks like it is showing you a little more of who your partner is, and what he thinks of your relationship....

RaisingSteam · 07/10/2014 20:15

DH and I did it years ago, it was quite good for communication skills which has stayed with us, it didn't solve everything but having said that we are still together!

The format started to grate on me (they are so flipping smiley) but I think the content is sound enough for what it is.

If it's making things worse is your DH feeling a bit put on the spot and defensive/sensitive about the issues (assuming typical bloke who's on unfamiliar emotional territory). Without being a doormat, you could give him a bit of space for it to sink in. It must be a big step for a lot of men to think about those issues.

Can you find time to do something non confrontational before/after like go for a drink as well? We used to go for a coffee before hand. (oh happy preDC days).

Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 20:30

He is super sensitive. Extremely defensive. Says he feels like a bear that's being poked. I'm being incredibly careful with my language in order to be as non confrontational as poss. I knew it would be difficult - lack of communication is why we are there. But whatever the topic he just says he doesn't have any strong views either way, which is driving me mad and making me feel even more like the one driving our lives with him in the comfy passenger seat. Confused

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RaisingSteam · 07/10/2014 20:47

He is probably well out of his comfort zone. I would say try to stick it out because he might have a lightbulb moment.
If you get one thing from it, try to understand each other a bit better and learn to talk and listen.

If DH and I have to have a bit of a Talk, we do it by passing a thing backwards and forwards still: "No, I haven't finished, I've got the cushion, you have to listen to me" has become a bit of a joke now. But has got us through some potential arguments.

The week on parents/in laws is quite interesting, might help you put things in perspective.

Original poster
mommabirdbird · 07/10/2014 20:59

So much sound advice. Thanks all.

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