Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding DPs divorce very stressful

21 replies

trialsandtribs · 07/10/2014 17:05

DPs ex has finally signed the divorce papers and the ball has started rolling. It's been a bit of a worry for a while (she wouldn't agree to terms of divorce etc etc ) and now even though it's only the start of the process I'm feeling really stressed by it.We've been together 1.5 yrs and want to live together but don't want to do it till he is divorced as his ex has made various threats about money to him and we think this would make it worse. Part of me feels that I should just butt out and let them sort it and the other part thinks that I have every right to know what he's agreeing to as his financial situation will ultimately affect my future (as we plan to live together and hopefully try for a baby of our own.)
They also still own a house together which shows no sign of selling and this stresses me out too as DP lives in and pays the mortgage on it now as she has her own place.
Should I just forget about it all or is it something I should expect to be involved in the communication of? I'm confused.

OP posts:
digger123 · 07/10/2014 17:12

I should stay out of things as far as she is concerned as you could make things worse. She will feel it is none of your business I should imagine. As I'm going through the process myself I would hate it if my STBX had a DP who got involved (come to think of it, I'd quite like my STBX to HAVE a DP who got involved as it might move things along, but that's another story!!!)

Yes, it is all pretty stressful, but process to be gone through unfortunately Sad

seasavage · 07/10/2014 17:12

Stay out of it. My ex dragged out my divorce for long enough for it to be ongoing when I was dating my now husband. He was a source of comfort and advice but I'm always glad that it was something separate to him.

Isetan · 08/10/2014 06:14

The financial settlement between your partner and his Ex is none of your business.

AnyFucker · 08/10/2014 06:50

If you choose to have a relationship with a man that is still married (if only on paper) then did you expect it to be all roses ?

Stay out of his financial affairs.

Original poster
trialsandtribs · 08/10/2014 09:07

I'm quite surprised nobody thinks I should be aware of what my partners financial situation will be.

OP posts:
Isetan · 08/10/2014 09:11

Being aware and having a say, are two different things. Your partner is a big boy, let him sort it out.

TeapotDictator · 08/10/2014 09:16

Also find it interesting that you say you are avoiding living together because of threats his ex has made about money. What sort of threats? I'm also going through a divorce and there's one very good reason someone delays moving in with a new partner until the divorce is finalised - and that's because they'll be seen as having a greater household income than if they were alone.

JeanSeberg · 08/10/2014 09:26

I hate the word 'baggage' but he has too much going on his life to be considering setting up home with him at this point in time. Let him sort the divorce and see how the situation is after that with regards to finances. Make your decision then as to how you see your future together.

Does he have children?

angel1976 · 08/10/2014 09:31

trialsandtribs I'm going through this with my exH and also my current DH is separated but not yet divorced. I don't think my DH should be involved in the discussion of my financial arrangements with my ex. He knows what the situation is, I have told him what we have agreed and how it is going but this is all about making sure my DCs are well taken care of. My DH has his own arrangement with his ex that I am aware of but I generally steer clear of his financial affairs as well.

My feeling is that through whatever arrangements I come to with my ex, I have secured something for our (DCs + me) future. And whatever my DH agrees with his ex, he needs to make sure his DC is taken care of first and foremost. I have always worked and my intention is always to be eventually financially secure on my own (at the moment, I still live in ex-marital home and the bills are big so not do-able without ex's help).

I have no intention of getting married again BUT if I do, my DH knows that what I have received from my first marriage WILL be ring-fenced for my boys' future first and foremost. We currently live together and he contributes to the household but he knows he has no claim on the house and doesn't want to anyway. I don't want his money either and if and when we decide to pool our money together, we will make sure our DCs are taken care of first for the future.

I don't think you should have a 'say' in your DH's financial arrangements with his ex BUT you should be made full aware of it and both be very clear if you should decide to have a baby, how you will both provide for him/her. Once you have that knowledge, you can choose to be with him or walk away, your choice is there. Not in 'helping' him make financial arrangements with his ex. Good luck.

Original poster
trialsandtribs · 08/10/2014 09:53

I don't think I should have a say but yes should be aware...

She has made threats such as "I'll quit my job and you'll have to pay for a house for me and DCs" etc etc.
I can see this would get worse if him and I were living together as I am a high earner and she'd think we had some amazing lifestyle.

I am all for dad's supporting their kids but I don't believe that after relatively short (6yrs) marriages where both parents have worked throughout that one ex partner should have to support the other ex partner for the rest of their lives! I guess I am just concerned that I will end up indirectly funding her cushy life while I'm working my arse off!!

OP posts:
digger123 · 08/10/2014 10:22

I don't think that would happen. Yes she will get a larger share if she mostly has the kids, and he will have to pay maintenance at a prescribed amount. The fact she has her own place and they are selling the house is probably good as she won't then tie up a house due to needing to house the house that could otherwise be sold and the proceeds shared.
I think, like me (trying frantically and drinking copious amounts of alcohol), you need to try to chill out a bit as it's all intensely frustrating when one side drags their heels - mostly due to either a control thing or a revenge thing

Original poster
trialsandtribs · 08/10/2014 10:23

Thanks digger. When you say that it's reassuring!! When DP says it it bugs the out of me. She seems more keen to get moving now. Apparently she has a new man which is great news :)

OP posts:
digger123 · 08/10/2014 10:30

Smile that's good, it will help her move on. wish my STBX would find one, but knowing him he's still drag his heels.
Btw I haven't worked for 20 yrs and being on the slightly older side do not have much chance of getting a decent job. However I am apparently still deemed capable of working, and although STBX has a good job and I don't, will still have to give him half of my assets. i.e. whether his X is working or not is probably immaterial as she has shown herself capable of it.
Just don't move in with him till it's all sorted...

angel1976 · 08/10/2014 10:47

trialsandtribs My lawyer said that basically, if exH moves in with his GF (which he has), while I cannot claim on both their incomes, I can argue that his disposable income has gone up because she has now half-funding their home together, so I should get more money.

But I have no interest in that, exH agreed to give me a bigger percentage of the equity in the ex-marital home so I don't claim spousal support (which is fine by me). I just wanted what was fair as I took a step back in my career to support his.

So yes, don't move in together till they have sorted out finances AND signed the papers. Just don't mix your finances together till he has made a clean financial break with her. That's just foolish.

You are the higher income earner here so you are lucky to be in that position. ALWAYS make sure you are financially independent. The reality is he has had kids with her, he will be responsible for his kids for the rest of his lives. He will never be as 'solvent' as a single man. Be aware of what you are walking into. Read some step-parenting threads here though that could well put you off your DH for life!

Original poster
trialsandtribs · 08/10/2014 10:55

Thanks - i also have DC so I do understand that. It is good that I am the higher earner but I get a bit frustrated when people say I'm lucky cause I've worked hard all my life to get there and not expected a man to fund any of that for me (not saying you have btw!)
I very much appreciate your advice and esp you disclosing what your lawyer said. Food for thought indeed. Hopefully their divorce won't take too long. I just don't know what will happen if they haven't sold the marital home by the time it comes to financial settlement. Any ideas anyone?

OP posts:
angel1976 · 08/10/2014 11:16

trials Don't worry, I know what I have agreed with my exH is fair. I have worked my whole life too but did give up a possibly very good media career to support him when the kids are little. Luckily, have always kept my foot in the door and am currently in a very fortunate position of possibly earning a very good wage in the future but nothing is certain in life as we have learned!

The agreement I have with the ex is that I will stay in the marital home till sometime in 2016 where I will then buy him out or put the house on the market. This is all laid out very clearly in the financial consent order that we will both signed once we are both happy with it and this will be filed with the decree absolute. So even if they don't sell now, it doesn't mean they cannot lay it all out in back and white what WILL happen when they do sell and even when they do sell. My DH and his ex sold the marital home and just split the money down the middle without any legal help so I imagine when they DO get divorced, it would be fairly straightforward as they have also agreed among themselves how much he will pay in CM.

Original poster
trialsandtribs · 08/10/2014 11:26

Yeah - the thing about career is interesting isn't it. I'm like you in that I definitely slowed down my career and earning potential but it was to have dc (and be part time) rather than support ex (although he stayed full time.) my solicitor tried to push me into going for more saying I'd compromised my earning power by staying at home with DS but that was something I wanted to do as well so I didn't push that one. I don't think I got as much as I could have from my settlement but then I also feel it was fair on both of us. Guess that's the key isn't it?

OP posts:
angel1976 · 08/10/2014 12:18

trials ExH offered me a bigger piece of the equity so I won't claim for spousal maintenance. I wasn't sure I would have anyway. I wanted maintenance for the DC primarily (he sort of had an OW waiting... And I didn't want to be the 'poor' first family he had just because he fancied another life...). We went for mediation and I was surprised at how much I got in the end (not in strictly monetary terms but in other things like he will have to pay for the DC's airfares when we go visit my parents in another country etc).

Anyway, at the end of the day, I want to support my DCs. They shouldn't have a poorer life just because they have a feckless father. So I will do anything to make sure that doesn't happen.

Original poster
trialsandtribs · 08/10/2014 12:42

Hmmm - I wonder if I have been too "independent"... I've always seen it as my responsibility to provide for ds. Am working more than I did when I was with DH as need the money. DPs ex works less!

Am I making life harder for myself than it need be I wonder?

OP posts:
angel1976 · 08/10/2014 12:57

I was working PT before we split and I am now working full-time in a very demanding job and I pay for all the childcare costs and for the DCs out of the child maintenance and whatever I earn. I tell himself it's good for my DCs to see their mum working hard to provide for them.

Original poster
trialsandtribs · 08/10/2014 13:30

That's been my attitude too - I want to build me and ds a life and show him that women are just as capable of doing that as men :)

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page