Feeling extremely lonely sometimes

[tiawalters]

I don’t know if it’s just me but after becoming a mum, and with a lot of the life changes, I feel more and more lonely as the years go by.

I’m 41 and have been through quite a lot in life: divorced parents, absent father until the age of around 12, lots of instability, school and house moves, emigrated from my country to the UK, changes of jobs and potential careers, partner with an alcohol problem, loss of friends.

I just feel so despondent as the years go by. I feel really alone and I think sometimes the only thing that gives me hope and optimism is seeing my children grow up.

I have a few friends but still, the void inside is so huge, I don’t know what can fill it out completely. Family situation also difficult as all abroad and in different countries. I am an only child too.

Anybody else feeling this way as they grow older? I just want to share experiences, really. Thank you so much.

When you say 'partner with an alcohol problem' are they still your partner or are they an ex-partner?

My personal experience is that life does get more challenging as you get older. Lots of responsibility, lots of people depending on you whether it's work or children or elderly parents. A good partner should be a source of love, companionship and support. If you don't have a partner, then you need to make a special effort to make and retain friends.

Thanks for your words, Cogito. I'm with my partner but he works very long hours and when he comes back home, we're both tired, plus he likes relaxing with his drink in front of tv. I prefer reading.

I always made efforts to retain friends, that's the irony of it all. I always had quite a few friends and acquaintances in my life, and even now, which is the lowest I have ever been friendshipwise, I still have more than one. The problem is they are all fairly recent, and don't have a lot of past history, that's why I fel cut off and isolated.

I moved around a lot in my life and I guess I am paying the price for that.

I moved around a lot in my life too. Grew up in 3 countries. It makes me feel I can connect with 3 nationalities (and the one I married into).

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.

Life is not easy. It sounds like you don't get much comforting feedback from your partner. I don't know if that is the problem.

Sometimes people who are friends can turn out to do strange things, friendships are not always for life.
Friends come and go in life.

I find though that being friendly is always great. If I have a nice interaction with a stranger out and about it makes me feel good.

I,m a LP. And love life. I have a LDR which suits me fine.

Do you work? You may be way too busy with work and kids but if you have time volunteer work is a great way to interact with people.

Have you heard of the Law of Attraction? It could help you, have a google.
Abraham Hicks is good.

Oh, and have you had counselling about your absent father? Is your husband also "absent" to you? Just a thought.

We often repeat what we experienced in childhood in order to heal it.

Hi ififlyaway, thanks for your reply and advice. My partner works extremely long hours and is usually very tired when he comes home. So yes, there's a feeling in me that he's somehow absent. I work part time but the group of people at work is terrible. There's a combination of very difficult personalities, so even though I like my job as such, I don't enjoy the vibe at all. I don't know if there's an element of resentment that I work part time, and have a family too, I don't know. Only one day of the three that I work in a happier team, I feel ok about going to work.
Not having any family around is a big downer, but I guess I just have to keep going, for my own sake and children's.

Argh: a job you like but with a difficult team. I think if there's something in life you can feel wholeheartedly good about, the other things which are changeable dint seem to matter so much.

I am so much happier now I am not doing a job I loved with people I couldn't get on with. It means I can cope with having people around me or being alone much better.

Good luck in finding a way to feel good about the relationships you have.

Thank you, benza. You're so right to have left that job. I think my job situation adds to my feeling so lonely on a day to day basis. And the situation with my husband too. I am surrounded by people, yet fail to connect on a deeper level.

I am so aware I need to change jobs but it's proven so hard to find another one with all the benefits I get in terms of money and annual leave. With small children, there are so many things you have to juggle.

Hi Tia,

Well, it wasn't through choice! My centre closed down. I had felt very trapped there before we had the announcement. And it will continue to be a struggle, but at least I don't have to put up with a manager who can't manage and a team- worker who doesn't understand team or do any work!

It sounds like things are difficult for you from several different angles. I hope you can figure out one angle which you can assert some control over and make it work for you. Then the impossible to change stuff will be more bearable.

You can feel much more, profoundly, lonely if you're with someone who is unavailable. He represents 'family' to you and he's absent. Same old story for you?

You do know an addict already has their lover - it comes first in everything, waaaay before anything and every body else. Sounds like he's rather wedded to his job, too.

I can really empathise with a lot that you've written, tia.

I have no trouble making friends and while I do make the effort to retain them it can be hard as obviously life gets in the way (more for them than for me it has to be said!) i do feel very lonely a lot of the time and I'm never sure how to solve it.

No advice but empathy

Thank you so much for your comments and words, everyone. I do feel sometimes, and I don't want to sound too whiney or moany here, that I have never been anybody's main person, or especial one in their life.

My parents were too busy trying to fight their own battles to give me their full attention. My partner is too busy with work, or relaxing with his drink to give me his full attention. Even to friends who I thought were good and solid, I turned out to be quite peripheral in their lives, and they had no problem in dumping me over minor stuff.

As I said earlier, right now the only relationships that seem really meaningful and fulfilling is to my children. All the adults in my life have hurt me or disappointed me in so many ways. I just have to accept that and try to move on.

Thanks for understanding, peri. to you to too.