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Relationships

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Original poster

Unwanted birthday gift from estranged sister.

24 replies

HermioneDanger · 07/10/2014 15:41

I have nothing to do with one of my sisters. She is not a nice person and has behaved abominably for most of her life. For me this came to a head earlier this year when she went beyond her normal lies (other sister is dead, I'm a lesbian, father is dying of cancer) to get attention and actually made a complaint to the police about me based on something she and her boyfriend made up. This thread isn't about that, but whilst I'm willing to let it go I'm not willing to have any kind of relationship with her - we didn't have much of one before but I can't and won't trust her, therefore there is no point in us having any kind of contact.

It was my birthday this weekend and she sent a present via Amazon. I don't think it appropriate that she's sending me presents - and if it's an olive branch I don't want it. That said, I don't want to be a twat and send it back to her or Amazon and cause more ripples for the wider family (I don't want to drag other people into this, it was messy enough when the whole thing kicked off). So I'm a bit stuck - do I accept it and let her think things will be OK between us or reject it and start WW3? Are there any other paths I can take?

OP posts:

Mum4Fergus · 07/10/2014 15:50

Donate to charity?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 07/10/2014 15:55

Why would it cause ripples through the family? They presumably know you are NC? And if they dont, why would they know that you have been sent a returned a gift?

Id be tempted to put "not living at this address" on it and send it back.

Gunznroses · 07/10/2014 15:56

But.. donating it to charity, is 'accepting it' and what OP want's to know is should she accept it or reject it iyswim.

Its a difficult one, if you accept it, it will no doubt go into a long list of 'all the things she's done for you' even though you didn't want it. Turning it down will seem a bit petty and ungracious. I think I would accept it, and perhaps just keep it, 'cos its bound to come up in future....., exaggerated beyond belief how expensive it was boa boa, then you can bring it out and show it

Gunznroses · 07/10/2014 15:57

bla,bla..don't where boa came from..

AMumInScotland · 07/10/2014 16:03

I would send it on to her with a note saying simply that given the current situation you feel it is not appropriate. It doesn't drag the wider family into it, unless she decides to moan about it.

Meerka · 07/10/2014 16:17

Agreed with muminscotland

If she made up something and got the police involved, a very sincere apology is needed before any sort of friendly contact can happen. Especially as this is only the tip of the iceberg.

captainmummy · 07/10/2014 16:20

Send it on to her. No note. No explanation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2014 16:35

This behaviour of hers is known as hoovering. Radio silence from you must be maintained. Do not fall for it.

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behaviour. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).

You are indeed wise not to send it back to her. This is her way of trying to draw you back into her own dysfunctional world, it was never sent out of any concern for you whatsoever.

I would regift this item she has sent to a charity shop. This does not mean you have accepted said item.

Do not at all acknowledge the "gift" she has sent you as these are never sent without conditions attached anyway. ANY contact or acknowledgement from you will be seen by her as a reward thus opening the door to bother you even more!. NC is exactly that - there must be no contact at all from you to your sister.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2014 16:44

Such people like your sister never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

something2say · 07/10/2014 17:42

I too am no contact. I think that if you like the gift, keep it and don't say anything. But if you don't or keeping it means you look at it and always think of them, then ditch it somehow, you don't have to say anything at all. It may also precede an actual contact attempt. You don't have to answer or respond in any way. If it becomes harassment, then diarise and when you have enough history, report. If you report, you must be able to demonstrate that you have not responded. Good luck x

BalloonSlayer · 07/10/2014 17:48

I would send it back to Amazon, either write "not known at this address" or "refused delivery" on the box. Presumably you've opened it, but she won't know that.

Viviennemary · 07/10/2014 17:48

If you are determined to have no more to do with her as is your absolute right then you should send the present back to Amazon. Because if you don't or donate it to charity she will think there is a chance you will make it up.

Vitalstatistix · 07/10/2014 17:51

If you don't take it, you'll be the cow who rejected her gift boo hoo my sister is so mean

If you take it, you'll be the cow who won't speak to me but she'll break her neck to take off me boo hoo my sister is so grabby

So tbh, I'd give the gift back because at least it's consistent.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2014 18:07

If the gift was returned to Amazon her sister's credit card would be refunded as a result. She would then know that this gift was received and returned. Any response like that opens a door and this woman could as a result go onto try and bother the OP even more. When it comes to difficult and wholly unreasonable relatives like OP's sister, the usual rules of dealing with family relations goes out the window.

It is not a good idea to acknowledge this so called gift. Radio silence and no acknowledgement of this so called "gift" from her sister must be maintained.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/10/2014 18:19

If the rest of the family get all stirred up because you choose not to accept a present from someone who lied about you to the police they're very nearly as barking as she is

WitchWay · 07/10/2014 18:22

Was there a message with it?

I'd pass it on to a charity shop rather than sending back.

Longdistance · 07/10/2014 18:26

Send it back with a bog roll included

Always worked for my mum when her shitty family thought they were doing something nice, and the crappy letters they sent got sent back with sheets of loo roll.

Original poster

HermioneDanger · 07/10/2014 18:30

Thank you for all your input. It's such a predicament - I don't want to open communication but don't want to be seen as either grabby or as ungrateful. I don't know why it matters but for some inexplicable reason it does.

There was no message with it, aside from "Dear Hermione, Happy Birthday, from EstrangedSister" and it's not something I particularly want (is a book about cocktail making when I don't really drink).

I think maybe the charity shop is a good idea - still unsure whether to acknowledge or not. Would it be utter madness to send a thank you letter accepting the gift this time but saying it's entirely inappropriate for her to send gifts and ask that she doesn't do it again?

OP posts:

Meerka · 07/10/2014 18:34

Yes, it would be.

Return the book to her if you want to but no message, or only "I don't want anything from you"

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/10/2014 18:55

Imho, do what you need to do for you. You need to let go of what your sister may (or may not) think or do about it. Being NC is a position of detachment...so detach emotionally as well...meaning stop caring what she thinks. And that may mean also setting boundaries with the wider family that you will not talk about it.

In my circumstance, after tapering contact for a period of years, I did return a gift to my sister and that resulted in her never speaking to me again. Result.

I agree with Attila, though. Overall, you do not want to engage in any communication. This includes saying "no" because that still manifests a connection.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/10/2014 19:23

When I was tapering contact, for every gift card she sent, I would send the same two line thank you note, hand written and snail mailed:
Dear toxic sister,
Thank you for your gift. (I would not name the gift)
Your thoughtfulness and generosity is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Me
It's a form letter and would be ok transmitted via the impersonal internet.

Do you feel that sending you a book on cocktails when you don't really drink much is a dig at you to loosen up? I would not bother with the thank you for that.

Any requests you make will be ignored, or will be redefined, or will somehow be used against you. This is why complete radio silence comes with a mandate of zero tolerance.

You are in the early days of detachment. It is not easy at first because you may have a period of time to detox, discover and process other aspects of your experience/relationship with her.
Sorry you are going through this.

DistanceCall · 07/10/2014 19:39

You can return packets to Amazon. She would be refunded, yes, but I don't think that counts as communication. It's more a matter of making it clear - via your actions - that you really won't be accepting anything from her. No need to say anything.

brassbrass · 07/10/2014 21:19

So we've had this problem. We just ignore, no acknowledgement, no communication. The sender has no idea if the gift was ever received, intercepted or lost in transit.

You can either choose to keep it or charity it. But do not acknowledge it in anyway.

Our last incident involved a flurry of postcards to the DC on my birthday weekend. Clearly making a point with the timing of it and wanting to make their presence felt. Postcards went straight into recycling bag.

borisgudanov · 07/10/2014 21:32

I would send it to her with a note telling her to stick it up her arse note the provisions of the Protection from Arseholes Harassment Act 1999.

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