Marriage crisis... so unhappy

[Dorothy77]

Hi everyone

I posted on here in July when I was having a tough time with my DH over an unplanned second pregnancy... in a nutshell I wanted the baby, he wanted me to abort it, in the end I miscarried. The original thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2138947-Pregnant-with-second-child-but-husband-doesnt-want-it-have-no-idea-where-to-go-with-this

At the time, the way that he acted and the things he said were horrible... I was pretty much ready to leave and do it on my own. After the miscarriage I was all over the place and didn't feel ready to make any big life-changing decisions so I decided to stick around until I was sure of how I felt.

Fast forward 3 months and I'm still no clearer. I know the way I feel about him has changed... I don't believe any man should put his wife through what he did... he pretty much tried to bully and emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion knowing how much I wanted the baby. I now have to deal with the fact that was probably my last chance of having a second child - I'm almost 38.

I think I do still love him in a way but not in the way I should. I don't want to hurt him but I'm so unhappy - whether he admits it or not (he doesn't) he got the outcome he wanted when I miscarried and hasn't spoken about it since. I don't feel I can talk to him about my feelings as we are nowhere near the same page on this one.

I just can't seem to make myself feel anything for him anymore... it would break his heart if I left but all I can think about is how much happier I'd be on my own. I keep wishing I could catch him cheating or lying or something just so I can just up and leave. I don't want sex with him, I don't even want him anywhere near me anymore but I don't seem to have the courage to do anything about it.

I could ramble on here forever but I just needed to get some of this out - thanks for reading if you've got this far! x

Bullying and emotional blackmail trying to get a woman to abort a much-wanted baby is utterly disgusting behaviour. For him to be even minutely satisfied that you miscarried - and I'm so sorry you lost the baby - is abhorrent. Worse than cheating IMHO. You seem surprised that your feelings about him have changed. I'd be amazed if they hadn't.

Have you confided in anyone IRL? Are you under some kind of pressure to stay married? Would you consider getting legal advice?

I have confided in one or two close family/friends and, as much as their first priority is to support me through what I've been going through, I can tell they are surprised I'm still with him.

Since the miscarriage he's been really attentive and telling me he loves me all the time, wanting to make plans for the future, saving for holidays etc. None of these plans involve what i wanted most though which was another baby!

Even if he did a u-turn now and say he did want another child I wouldn't be prepared to try again with him after everything that's happened.

I think I know what I have to do.... I just have no idea how to go about doing it :(

It's going to take a little courage, some confrontation, and he's going to experience the consequences of the pain, bullying and misery he's put you through. You said earlier that you didn't want to hurt him. That's very noble but he has shown you nothing like the same consideration. When you needed love and support most, he let you twist in the wind.

Bullies are often attentive, loving and so forth when they think everything's going their way. It's just an act.

Nearly 20 years ago i could've written a similar post.
I quoted some of the foul things he said to me when I discovered I was pregnant, in my divorce petition.

When I was admitted to hospital with stomach pains and they did a pregnancy test, which to my surprise was positive (previously had clomid) he was so awful, calling me a stupid cow etc, that I vowed that night that if I was pregnant I would keep the baby and leave him. Sadly it was ectopic, but I still left him as the writing was on the wall for me. I lost all respect and love for him that night. Like you, I couldn't stand him near me. He wouldn't have a vasectomy but I felt I'd done enough with a CS, multiple mc, fertility treatment etc. it was him that was now saying he didn't want any more DC.

He then had an affair so that made it even easier for me to ask him to leave.

I went on to meet now DH and had three more DC when I was 36, 38 & 40 so please don't write yourself off. and I didn't need any fertility treatment to get them
I've read on here before, when someone tells you who they are, listen.

Not sure what point I'm trying to make but wanted you to know that I understand

What Cog said.

Would it help to make it more real and seem do-able if you got some legal and practical advice on the process of splitting?

Might be a good next step for you.

What is the point in carrying on with a man that was pressuring you to abort your baby, I mean, how bad does he have to be. Vile, sorry OP this man does not love you in the way you deserve or expect.

I wouldn't be hanging about trying to look for an excuse to leave, you already have one, he's a pig.

"It would break his heart if I left". It should be no surprise to him.

What all of you are saying is absolutely right and I know this myself.... I just don't want to make a decision I'll regret later. I don't know whether to give it more time to see if I feel any different, whether to suggest some time apart and see how I feel then?

I'm leaning more towards the latter at the moment... I just feel trapped and suffocated and like I just want to be on my own for a bit.

I never wanted this for us... we've only just had our first wedding anniversary last month, our DS is almost 3 and the thought of breaking up our family leaves me with a horrible feeling, more for my son but also that I've failed for wanting to run out the door at the first sign something is wrong.

Sorry OP but I don't see your feelings suddenly changing and you will all of a sudden start to want to be with him and forget what he has done, that's probably why you can't, I think when he did that he probably killed the relationship.

It's hardly the first sign something is wrong, he was forcing you to kill your baby. You say he was horrible at the time, that's because he's a horrible person I'm afraid and Id hate to think his treatment of you contributed to your miscarriage, bloody awful.

I didn't see your previous thread but having read it can understand why your feelings for your H have changed. If you are unhappy that is reason enough to separate. It need not be the end of your marriage. Time apart may give you both time to think. But you don't have to wait for him to do something to give you an excuse to call a halt when the events of this summer are so fresh in your mind.

wanting to make plans for the future, saving for holidays etc. must say that would sound pretty hollow to me after his emphasis on how you could both ill-afford a DC2 when you were pregnant. It wasn't a momentary panic reaction to the news, he kept that pressure up for weeks. If he felt so strongly, he could have made sure no pregnancy could happen.

You said back then he was suffering from depression yet refusing medication, did he ever reconsider and go to his GP?

He did go back to his GP and has started a course of CBT... I know he's been to one session but wouldn't really talk to me about it and then said the therapist was on hols for two weeks. That was a couple of weeks ago and to be honest I haven't asked anymore about it.
Having just put little one to bed I'm now just lying upstairs not wanting to even get into conversation with him. I've got details of a good solicitor and I'm going to call for some legal advice first before I even suggest time apart... I want to know my rights from the off, although the house has no equity in and needs A LOT of work.... I'm happy to walk away with nothing and start afresh. I'm the higher earner so I know I can afford it.

the thought of breaking up our family leaves me with a horrible feeling, more for my son but also that I've failed for wanting to run out the door at the first sign something is wrong.

Re-reading that, I am not convinced you will be fully satisfied with ending the marriage like this. He let you down badly, no question.

Have you considered counselling for the grief of your loss? I think you need to keep talking to your H about everything that surprise pregnancy stirred up. Perhaps arrange counselling with a neutral, trained person helping you both to discuss why he panicked and abandoned ship.

All the reasons you wanted another baby are still there aren't they? Forgive me saying so - that impasse with H gives you a target for rage and grief. Even if this does lead to you leaving him - and as an outsider I'd see why - while he refuses to go over what was going on in his head I think you're not going to feel wholly settled.

To be honest donkeys I can't really think about the baby part at the moment - it's gone now and there is no likelihood of it happening in the near future, so I can only focus on myself and my son now.

while he refuses to go over what was going on in his head I think you're not going to feel wholly settled.

This really made me think - do I actually want or need to know what was going on in his head? I thought about it a lot and the answer is no, I don't. I don't think anything he can say or do now will excuse his actions or make me feel any differently.

On that basis, I went to see a solicitor and legally I'm in a good position to walk away both practically and financially. The house and all of our debt is in his name so he could sell up, pay the debt off and that would be that. Sounds great in theory doesn't it!

I'm going to suggest some time apart before talking about divorce... I just need to find the right moment and the right words to tell him now.

Thanks for all your advice so far... if anyone has any suggestions on how to have this conversation that would be great!

x

I have no suggestions about the conversation apart from making it very clear and make sure you follow through.

After our 'conversation' my ex just carried on as if it never happened and I ended up not doing anything and this dragged on for years.

Good luck

Do you even want to do him the favour of explaining why you want to separate? Why bother to try and educate him? Let him carry on in his own sweet way with someone new and get out with your DS and have a stellar life away from him and his mealy mouth. You are dead right to feel the way you do OP, dead right.

Well I've done it, I left yesterday and don't know how I feel to be honest... Numb is probably the best word for now.

He hasn't begged me to stay... I've told him I need some space and time to think but it's only been a day and he's pushing me for a decision already. He wants to know within a week!

I've tried to arrange time for him to spend with our son this week but he says he can't look at a picture or video of him without feeling sick... So says it's best ds gets used to not seeing him because if it's all over he will move back to South Wales (we live in west mids). Am I right to think he should want to see his son no matter what?? I'm so upset and angry.

Just giving you another alternative, even though the consensus on your threads is LTB in capital letters.

And this comes from someone who has been there done that: my DH (and his family) pushed and bullied me for a termination until the cut off time at 24 weeks. It was a living nightmare.

But we came through this in the end. We both wanted to work on our marriage and we did. Bottom line: I have forgiven him and we are happy now.

I wouldn't categorically say this marriage is over. If you both still love each other and if you both want to work on the relationship then there is a chance.

Just thought I'd put this out there.

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It's good you saw a solicitor and that you have separated. This will give you some distance.

Do you receive counselling for your loss?

I don't understand what you mean by "he hasn't begged me to stay" and "he's pushing for a decision already" but take your time and decide what you want.

Good luck with everything.

P.S. I wouldn't bring the issue with your son into this complicated situation.

Don't be upset and angry because your DH doesn't want to see your son.

Be upset and angry because of everything that happened between you and DH and find a way to talk about him what is going on in his head.

So now he is using your child as a way of punishing you for leaving, omg, let him get on with it OP, his choice, just make sure you are the best mum, put all your energies into that and don't worry about your partner, sure he will be just fine.