When family don't 100 % support your potential same sex marriage, what do you do?

[breakingtradition]

Hi

Firstly, this was insprired by another thread on here recently, about a woman who's GF was unsure whether or not she wanted to marry her, due to family issues. Anyway, it's brought up thoughts and questions, which I've been burying for a while now.

So my GF, who I've been with for 2 years, proposed a year a go and I said no. I made it clear it wasn't because I didn't love her to pieces or that I wasn't 100% committed to her, but it was just that the timing was all wrong. My family (mum and dad mainly) had only just started to let it sink in. I was always with men before my GF and they had no inclining of my bisexuality, so it came as quite a shock when I told them I was in love with a woman. GF did genuinely understand the reasons and I think wishes she could have just held off until the time was right. But the more I think about it, the more I think 'well who says when the right time is?!' It's our life and actually, my family have accepted her. The problem is, before I announced my new relationship, my parents were borderline homophobic and my mum especially, didn't support gay marriage in any way. My mum would turn over if any gay scenes came on tv and growing up, I had a lot of arguments with her about sexuality not being a choice. She didn't realise I was talking from experience, but obviously their attitudes would have made it really hard to come out and tell them I was actually bisexual.

Now, my parents have become very close to my GF and I think there's genuine love there. The problem is, I can't be doing with this half accepting thing. For example, they're very welcoming and if anyone ever said anything nasty about our relationship, they'd fight our corner to the death, but I know deep down that if we did get married, my mum especially, would be sad and disappointed and I can't have that feeling on what should be the happiest day of my life. I know they both love me regardless of who I share a bed with, but there's always this feeling of not being able to be 100% a couple iyswim. We (me, my gf and my mum and dad) have had a couple of arguments, ending in tears unfortunately, where we talk about gay marriage and when my mum has had a few, the truth really does come out (in wine, truth) and she'll go back to saying that she's entitled to her opinion and she doesn't think that gay marriage is right or necessary, but she'll still say that if we were to tie the knot she would want to be there. Am I wrong for feeling like the whole day would be tarnished because of that?

I've had a feeling recently that my GF might ask me again and I want to say yes. I just want to be able to announce it and for people to be happy for us.

I don't really know if I'm looking for advice, or what. I know there are no magic answers and I know I should just do what's right for us, but would be great to hear your thoughts.

TIA

maybe worth having some meds on the day. I know its your big day and all that, but think of it like a flight

Beast, I think a couple of glasses of bubbly may help take the edge off.

Agree with pp who said the key Q is whether you want to marry your DP (2 years isn't all that long, unless you were previously friends). Sounds like your mum would attend and behave OK!

A couple of times you wonder whether your family "love" your ex and current partner. IMO it might be better not to worry about that too much, seems like extra pressure, as long as they get on OK things can be fine!

You don't need to pander to homophobia - if you want to marry your GF do- and tell your mother to keep any homophobic comments to herself. They're not okay - however old she is and you (& your girlfriend) shouldn't have to tolerate them.

And I'm mid 40's & twenty odd years ago took my grandmother into a gay bar by mistake - & she was perfectly able to cope & would have had a go at anyone showing any prejudice - so age really is no excuse.

OP do you really want to get married? I'm getting the sense you're not too sure or ready yourself and maybe you're feeling pressured by your Gf and think it will cause strife if you don't commit.

It's only been 2 years, it's not that long. Would your DD ok with it? I could be off the mark and I don't mean you have doubts about your Gf just the being married part and everything it means?

It wouldn't be unreasonable to feel that way regardless of your partner's gender, it's a big step particularly when you already have a child and have come out of another significant relationship which didn't work out.

When my mum and dad got married it took an awlful long time for my grandparents to accept my dad. My dad is white and it was very hard for my mums family to accept him. I can honestly say that my grandparents were a little racist against anyone not of their race. In actions they completely welcomed my dad eventually (I never saw them treat him badly growing up) however they would come out with racist comments till the day they died.

Obviously in an ideal world no-one would be racist, however they had been brought up to fear anyone foregin and they had not really met any white people before my dad. It was very hard for them to break beliefs they had grown up with, but their actions were completely welcoming towards my dad eventually.

It sounds like a similar situation, cut your mum some slack, she is supporting you by her actions, I know the comments are hurtful but she probably is finding it very hard to change them not because she doesn't love you, but because her whole life she has been told one thing and it's hard to get rid of something that ingrained. She is doing her best. My mum once explained it to me like this: it's like your whole life someone says chickens are pets and then one day your child turns round and says we now eat chickens. It's hard to let go of the feeling that chickens shouldn't be eaten and are still pets.

And tbh I barely spoke to my mum on my wedding day, she was too busy running around sorting stuff

Sorry for essay!

Your parents may not have fully embraced the idea yet but they evidently love you and have accepted your GF. If you had told us that they are chilly towards your DP or in any way unpleasant about the two of you of course it would be impossible to invite them to your wedding or see them full stop.

After a few drinks it's clear your DM still struggles to fully understand what she sees as unconventional but I think she copes by trying to focus on you and your GF and not all those who are flying the rainbow flag. I know it's 2014 and you shouldn't have to worry about winning over anyone but i think it'll take one more generation before old notions die out.

Every couple wants genuine heartfelt congratulations and fwiw I think seeing you and GF get married supported by all your friends would really clarify things for your parents.

I think catzey has spoken real words of wisdom. We grow up being almost indoctrinated by ideas and beliefs that society tells us are correct and true. It can be very hard to challenge such ingrained 'truths' which lay the foundations of our life. However, your mum has overcome this prejudice and has fully accepted your choice in life and indeed your gf. You may not get 100% total acceptance of a lifestyle, that to many, seems very different to what they were told is the 'norm'. However, I think that you have got a huge amount of love and acceptance from your parents and this really is enough. I think the real problem here lies within yourself. Are you scared of marriage? Are you, deep down, not ready for it yet?
Why not have a word with your doctor about the anxiety and perhaps take up something like yoga to help you cope with stress.
Look deep within yourself and decide what it is that you truly want.
You can't change homophobic feelings in people overnight but you have every chance of having a wonderful wedding day, and all the love and acceptance that you need to begin a life with your partner, it's up to you now to decide if that is what you really want.

I would be over the moon if you were my daughter. We always had a policy in our family that when one of our children brought someone new into the family we shuffled along the bus and made room.

Sadly no one was gay.
I cannot understand this prejudice . I would welcome any one with open arms whatever their sexual orientation, colour or creed as long as they were a nice person.

I have two gay 2 Nd cousins both lovely people ...and why shouldn't they be, they come from a lovely family.

There's too much stupidly and bitterness in this world already.

Marry your girlfriend and spend a lifetime together being happy. I would rather be a loving supporting woman than my nasty selfish, cheating womanising ex!

If that makes me a bit gay!

Great!

Marry your GF and ignore your mother .....at least that's my plan my adorable partner has agreed to be my wife and she wants a 'wedding'....because I love her and want to make her as happy as I possibly can we shall do the 'wedding' thing and it will be the best day of my life....family might not come because they don't approve but that will be their loss.
Your family have their lives and you don't dictate how they live them so please live yours for you and your GF

Oh congratulations

Be with a lovely supportive woman!

Both my parents and my ILs2b had similar reservations about their child's choice of life partner. Both thought that people of our sort should not get married (not sexual orientation but similar prejudice).

But they behaved reasonably and accepted us as a couple.

They came to our wedding, had active roles in it and behaved impeccably.

TBH it was not quite a happy ever after, because the ILs got quite nasty for a few years afterwards.

In other words, go ahead and marry your love. Expect the best from people and they will often deliver.

It's your life to live.

I really do get what everyone is saying about generational differences. It would be wrong of me not to take that into account, but at the same time, there has to be a limit. I think if we all just said 'oh it was a different time' then it continues and almost encourages imo, bigoted attitudes. For example, when I was young, my parents would drip feed that it was wrong and disgusting and that we shouldn't just accept it and basically our country is going to hell if we accept homosexuality as being 'normal'. As a child, I didn't really know what I was. I assumed I was straight I suppose, but then I was a typical girl (whatever that is) and I would fantasise about a prince rescuing me and having a massive royal wedding but even then, I knew what they were saying was wrong. I'm still fairly young, but it was a different time when I was young, but that doesn't excuse bigoted attitudes does it? Well I don't think so anyway.

cheese, it's interesting you're getting that feeling. Just out of interest, what is it I've said that's made you think I don't want to get married?

Fatman, congratulations to you and your DP too! I really hope the day goes well.

Six, wise words.

In other words... marry a chicken?

el, erm.......what?!

OP, to answer your question, it's how you seem to be approaching this. It comes across to me that your parents apparent lack of "genuine" acceptance of your sexuality is an excuse for not getting married. I think it's as good as it's ever going to get with your parents but your expectation of them is unrealistic.

Either you're idealistic or you've got a nagging doubt and this is a bit of an excuse. It's reasonable to want their blessing. And effectively, they've given it to you. But you're convinced this is not enough and it affects your outlook. I think if you're truly in love with and want to marry your Gf, that desire to be married to her would outweigh how you feel about your parents/mum because in the grand scheme of things you've got their support.

Your Gf proposed after a year. That's pretty soon. You get the impression she's going to propose again. Arguably, that's quite soon too. Not unforeseeable that if you don't say yes this time round, it will cause issues in your relationship. It shouldn't do if she loves you and understands if you don't feel ready yet but regardless of sexuality, if someone wants to get married and their partner doesn't, it tends to be a bone of contention and resentment.

You say in your opening post that "my GF might ask me again and I want to say yes. I just want to be able to announce it and for people to be happy for us."

The I want to say yes almost sounds like you want to but don't feel able to.

The need for other people to be happy for you sounds like it would validate you being happy.

Do you want to get married and if so why? And why does it have to be your Gf proposing, if you really want to get married to her, why don't you propose?

To get married and not invite your Mum would be a bit cruel and hurt her.
She has come a long way in changing her perspective and I think she will fully accept your marriage if you go ahead with it.

I am an older person and was brought up to believe that any sex outside marriage was just very unacceptable behaviour and that homosexuality was just a perverse choice. Obviously I have changed my opinion now but it took a long time.
I was always appalled by racism. sexism and prejudice but for a long time I saw homosexuality as different-a choice and a behavior rather than part of a person's make up.
I now understand things differently.

If your mother has a background like mine it will take time. but she loves you. she loves your GF and she'll be fine.

Get married and live happily ever after but do include your Mum in your wedding day.
Its all a learning curve for her-be patient.

cheese, interesting. Apart from when I was very young, I was never massively bothered about the idea of marriage. Even though my parents have been married for nearly 40 years, I don't think I assumed I would just get married, have kids and the mortgage etc. I don't have a problem with it, but I just didn't see getting married as having much meaning. I used to preach that it was just a piece of paper and it didn't make you more committed to someone. However, looking back, I did meet my ex very young and we were never really suited and so, I think my 'meh' attitude towards marriage, was probably more about the person I was with at the time, rather than marriage generally. I was engaged to my DD's father for quite a long time and thinking about it, that probably also made me slightly reluctant to get engaged, because the last one didn't go anywhere. That said, my relationship with my DP is completely different and I get the whole marriage thing now. My issues with my mum isn't a red herring though, as I think may be being suggested. I think they're two separate things.

drudge, wow, so you really have changed then. I don't understand how anybody could ever think sexuality was a choice. I've never understood that way of thinking. Why on earth would somebody choose to make their lives more difficult?... It's beyond me, but anyway, glad your opinions on that have changed. Thank you. There's no way I wouldn't include her in the day. As I said up thread, I couldn't do that to her. I guess I just wanted to do it when I felt like she was excited about the idea instead of just tolerant. Maybe I am asking too much, but it's still sad to think that.

Yes -I have changed-I believed that because it was what I was brainwashed with for years.-remember when I was small male homosexuality was a criminal offence.
Also I was brought up in quite a narrow religious atmosphere where all sex outside marriage was seen as sinful.

What changed me later in life was listening to gay people that I made friends with and I started to see it all in a different way.

I think your Mum will be okay-but you can't push her quicker than she is processing this herself.