Feeling very down today...

[JonesTheSteam]

... need some perspective maybe.

Just feel like I am at breaking point from lots of little stresses.

9 months on from discovering DH's affair. We're working through things and we are doing really well. Today I just feel an overwhelming sadness, no anger about it any more or anything. Maybe some towards the OW (rightly or wrongly), but that's it.

DH's job is uncertain at the moment due to company restructuring. And his company have played things quite unfairly (some very underhand stuff!)

My job is perilous -neighbouring LEAs have either got rid of or are cutting their version of the service I work for and I can't see me doing this job next September.

My dad is going in for a minor op next week. It will be fine. I'm still worried though.

Just stupid little things. But today I just want to curl up and cry and cry.

God, it all sounds ridiculous I know.

No need to reply. Just need to vent a little....

.

Do what you need to do, even its curling up and crying.

Everyone has bad days; you've got more going on then most so have earned a good cry.

Of course you're sad. You could even be depressed. You've been betrayed by your husband, work is uncertain and there's illness in the family. That's a lot of very emotionally stressful incidents one on top of the other. Not stupid or little in the slightest.

Hi jones, have a hug xx I know exactly how you feel. These sort of pressures are often present but when you have suffered such a betrayal, regardless of whether you stay with your partner or not, it will feel as if the ground beneath your feet isn't quite stable enough to cope with it.

H lost his job about 9 months after dday, and after a few years of financial stability we were thrown back into the maelstrom but this time with a far bigger mortgage. I felt lost, as if I had nothing to cling to for support. It got better.

Sounds like a difficult time for you, you probably cope for a long time running on adrenalin, and today it's caught up with you. Have no real advice to give you, just vent on here when you need to, be kind to yourself, try and do something nice for yourself today, it's not weak or ridiculous to get overwhelmed occasionally.

Hello op. You have already done an amazing thing. You have been able to reach out and ask for support. I think it shows you know how to be good to yourself! So many, me included can just fall down and down when the black cloud comes over and nothing seems right.
Sending you lots of warm wishes. Take one day at a time!
Sometimes it help also to list all the good things in your life like: I have a roof over my head, there is food in the fridge, I am healthy, etc, simple stuff that we take for granted but when we look around in the world so many people don't even have that!
Take care x

Thanks everyone.

I have a huge anxious knot in my stomach all the time at the moment.

I think it's more to do with the job uncertainty (for both of us) than anything else as I hadn't been feeling like this for a couple of months (apart from the occasional wobble) about the affair. At the moment it's there permanently. And I'm finding myself dwelling on the affair, possibly as I have no control over the work stuff, and talking about it / asking questions when I thought I'd started to move on a bit.

That's what I think anyway... :-/

And then it kind if becomes a self -fulfilling kind of thing, if you know what I mean.

I talk about it, I dwell on it and it adds to the growing anxious knot.

Not sure I'm making even a tiny bit of sense... :-/

I'm finding myself dwelling on the affair, possibly as I have no control over the work stuff, and talking about it / asking questions when I thought I'd started to move on a bit.

That makes perfect sense.

You will move on when you have processed it all. It may take years. That is something he will just have to accept. You are dealing with a new reality that isn't one you chose.

He is accepting of it. He knows it will, in all likelihood take a long time for me to get past everything....

Thanks all...

Hiya Jones,
Decided to come 'out of the shadows' ;-) to offer you a virtual glass of wine etc.
You have been through a lot of 'uncertainty' with your DH's affair ; you are now facing new uncertainties with both your jobs :( .
Easy enough to 'tie' them up together - even if they are not related.
Uncertainties are hard.... Regardless of what causes them , you're not 'weak' to be stressed over them all - just try not let them overwhelm you.

At times life can be a bitch, a real struggle, it's sounds like for you. - it is now :(

Simplistic as it sounds, I hope it all sorts out well for you.

I think of you & hope you are doing well.

Hi Jones, sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. As you say, it's likely because you feel a massive amount of insecurity from various sources. When we feel insecure in one area, we normally expect or want security from all others to make up for it. When we feel a lack of stability in all areas, it can be difficult for our mental health.

Since the affair was a huge attack at the basis of what you thought your 'life' was, that's now been joined by other unstable elements. We quite often have an emotion and then, to explain and make sense of the emotion, we attribute it to a thing or a person. This happens way more often than we like to admit. normally we claim 'a thing happened and now I feel this way', but often we feel a certain way and we seek out a rational thing to explain it. Since you feel unstable and anxious about the future, the affair is hoving into view as something which feeds and explains that emotion. It's horrible and totally unfair but understandable.

You WILL be okay, whatever happens. Most people report that it takes 2 years from the last lie until these periods are largely absent.

Unfortunately instability and uncertainty are a part of life, the trick is to either become more comfortable with uncertainty generally, or to find techniques to manufacture the feeling of stability or control. Perhaps it's a good time to think about that. What makes you feel safe? Can your DH help with that? 9 months is really not a long time.

All best to you.

Hi Jones

When I published a thread a few months ago about finding dodgy instant messages between my DP and his ex-OW you were kind enough to respond and offer support and advice based on your own experience. Thank-you.

So sorry you're going through all this and first of all, hope it all goes well for your Dad. After all you've been through the job worries for you and your DH are the last thing you need. I think you're absolutely right in that you can't do anything about that, so your anxieties have latched back onto the affair. The world has become an uncertain place. I wonder if you would find a course of CBT beneficial? I found it helped me immeasurably. Just a thought.

You've posted about your DH taking responsibility for his affair and his willingness to work things out. I appreciate he is having job uncertainties himself but he will need to step things up and reiterate his commitment to you here. I hope he does.

Really hope you feel better soon. Please take care.

Thanks pausing. Appreciate the virtual wine as not drinking this week.

BloodontheTracks I'm not sure what makes me feel safe any more. I have a full and happy social life outside of our marriage, playing in orchestras with a group of people I've known for years, including a couple of very close friends, so I guess this does maybe. DH looks after the children while I do this, always has done without complaint. Well apart from when DD drives him insane with her maths homework!

Weirdly (maybe?), spending time with DH just chatting and cuddling, or going for a walk helps too. We are doing a lot of that as well.

thecatsmother I got things are going well with you?

DH is still acting in the same way as I posted on your thread; completely and utterly committed to making us work. And making us his priority rather than anything else, despite his stress. I think previously he wouldn't even have told me he was at risk back in June, but would have waited until things had progressed before telling me, so this is a huge step forward for him in terms of being more open and bottling things up.

Would you mind explaining what CBT is please, as I'm not sure? TIA.

thecatsmother That should say I hope things are going well with you? Autocorrect up to its usual tricks!

Hi Jones. CBT= Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It helps you to focus on what's actually happening rather than making up scenarios and then getting upset/angry about things that are imaginary. To only ever look at the evidence. Obviously there's a lot more to it but I had it last year when I was coming out of a period of depression and it has helped me so much. I was referred on the NHS.

In answer to your question, things are OK, still a very long road ahead but my partner and I are out of the shell shock phase and focusing on the future. We both want to make it work but it can be very difficult. I don't honestly know where we'll be this time next year. But compared to when I wrote that thread things are better, thank you

Thanks thecatsmother