How to heal after an affair?

[scattercushion]

I don't know how you are supposed to get over it? We separated two years ago but it feels like yesterday. I just cannot stop thinking about the pain he has caused me and I want to punish him and make him suffer by stopping him seeing our dd. Tell me it will get better... I am in anguish.

It does get better but a big part of recovery will centre around yourself and how successful you are in creating a good and fulfilling independent life for you and DD. Punishing him.. although tempting... is unlikely to make you feel better. Are you busy? Do you have good friends? A social life? Are there people who will listen to you? People who understand? If the feelings of pain and preoccupation with the past are getting in the way of you leading a full and happy life, do consider talking to your GP as you could be suffering from depression.

You get over it by making yourself happy. Go out, start a new course or hobby, organise outings with friends, join a cycling or photography club or something that interests you and gets you to meet new people with shared interests. Have fun and be busy and start dating again xx

Thank you Cogito and Cric - It just feels like his life is sorted, he's happy and I'm in hell and that's so unfair. I want him to suffer. I have done so much to try to heal myself - move house, move towns, take up hobbies, see friends, meet someone new (still trying on that one) but at the heart of it lies a furious rage and deep deep despair. Yes, I am on antidepressants...

Be strong and learn to value yourself.

You derseve more than someone who will disrespect you with lies, cause you pain and make you feel like you are going insane.

You've made a healthy choice to seperate and try to get on by yourself. I think this will show your dd that deep down you are a strong woman.
It's so normal to feel angry, hurt, let down and alone...
Well done for posting... you need to be able to get how you feel off your chest.

One word of advice, take it or leave it, but by trying to punish him by not letting him see your dd is really only punishing your dd.
She needs to see her father, and in time will be able to make her own judgements on him. Don't let her judge you too by saying 'my mom never let me see my dad after they split up'.
It's hard, very hard, you are on a long road, but you will heal.
Big hug.

There's a phrase that 'comparison is the thief of joy'. All the time you're looking over your shoulder thinking that he's happy and his life is sorted, you're telling yourself that your life is second-rate. Did he leave you for an OW? Does 'sorted' mean he has moved on with a new partner? Got more children, anything like that? Is he financially better off than you are?

There is no such thing as karma in the sense of cosmic justice. Whatever he's done, no big foot is going to come out of the sky like Monty Python and squash him flat. Exes can and do go on to lead happy, relaxed lives and die with their boots on at a grand old age. You can't influence that.... All you can usefully do is find other, better things to care about.

You are doing lots of positive things to try to move your life on, but it seems to me that you haven't addressed the emotional fallout. I would suggest that you need to work through that. I can't recommend this from experience but I saw this book on Amazon: Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You Paperback – 2 Apr 2009
by Susan J., JD. MEd. Elliott (Author)
It's also available as a kindle edition. It has good reviews. It might be worth checking them out. Hope it helps. Basically, though, I think it's a case of working on your feelings, whether via self help or with counselling. Also I would suggest checking out the internet in general, as there is so much info out there. Hope this helps

Same happened with me. I have a new person in my life but the effects of the deception caused by my ex H continue and it's very hard to trust anyone again. I still feel very hurt and angry about what's happened. I cry every single day and often feel like ending everything. Everyone thinks I've moved on but I'm still really sad about everything that happened and how much he hurt and deceived me. However, I've never stopped him seeing his children. At the beginning when I hadn't got anyone else it was hard when they left to see him and I was left on my own but now I relish that 'me' time and time to spend with my new partner.

It is hard when you've been cheated on, and everyone always expects you to move on within weeks, where in reality it can take years.

For me it was the acceptance that he hadn't found someone "better" he'd found someone "else".

I spent a long time feeling he'd moved onwards and upwards and I'd stood still, but when I recognised he'd just moved sideways I was able to move forward.

Not sure I'm explaining myself very well!

In brief, he hadn't found a model with a million pounds in the bank, so his day-to-day life was the same; going to work, cooking the dinner, doing the laundry etc. In reality my life was easier without having to do those things for him, and he'd just found someone else to pick up after him!

Once I realised that things got a lot easier. Hope things improve for you soon too.

Thank you for all your advice, I will definitely buy that book. I love the phrase 'comparison is the thief of joy' and will try to remember it.

He left me for that old cliche - 10 years younger, thinner, blonder etc and made her pregnant whilst we were together. They now live together with baby - urgh.