Will I ever get over the OW?

[hookedonharibo]

Hi, I'm a long-time lurker on this board and the advice given has made me re-think issues in my own life. A couple of years ago my now-ExH started an EA with a close friend of mine which went on to be a full-blown affair and, a week after we divorced, they moved in together. Their relationship broke down a couple of times and, finally, in January this year I think they realised that it would never work.

The OW and I have young children of the same age who attend the same school. Throughout all of this, I have kept my head held high on the school run and maintained my dignity, whilst her and my ExH sent spiteful anonymous texts to mutual friends that criticised their behaviour.

I am now in a new relationship, my DP is great and I'm really happy with him. However, whilst I'm over the hurt caused by my husband's actions, I feel that I've never really dealt with the betrayal of my 'friend', the OW. I never spoke to her or confronted her about it at the time and simply deleted the texts that she sent me where she denied the affair and asked to be friends again. She is soon to be divorced and I believe she's in a new relationship. However, she has never laid low and is arrogant in my presence in the playground, laughing loudly with her friends, loudly arranging nights out and almost goading me, whilst my heart is in my mouth.

This behaviour continues and she was still doing it even this morning. We live in the same small village so she is always there and she will always be there. However, I don't want to move as my son has SEN and is really well supported in the school. I have tried to remove her from my life as much as possible, deleting mutual friends on facebook so that I never see her posts, but people always gossip to me about her and in some ways I want to hear it and to have information about her.

I realise that this isn't healthy, but I just don't know how to get past what she did so that I can properly move on to a happier life. Is it possible when we both live in the same place?

I have no real advice for you. She sounds like a horrible woman. I think you are doing the right thing. Keep your head high. People know what she's like. She probably feels a bit jealous/insecure if she needs to behave on such an awful way.

If you're in close proximity to someone who has hurt you, no I don't think you are going to get past it or get over it very easily at all. It's a constant reminder of a painful episode. You're doing the right things by reducing your exposure and giving her a wide berth. Confrontation is unlikely to be satisfactory if she's always denied her involvement. I would strongly suggest you tell people not to give you information about her. That's just picking even more at the scab...

Thanks Mild and Cogito for replying. Yes, people know what she's like but she has kept a lot of friends because, as a lot of them say, 'well she's never actually done anything to me'. Which is true and let's just hope for their sake that she never does! I won't confront her now, she and I both know the truth about what happened. I think you're right Cogito, I need to tell people to stop giving me information about her.

There's no easy or quick solution, but be assured of one thing.

I would bet my hat that she would give anything, anything to turn the clock back.

Her behaviour SCREAMS 'insecure, unhappy, feeling judged'.

She has to bust a gut to show you at every opportunity she has that she is happy, ok with what she did, feels good, has a great life...

...and hasn't totally fucked up her reputation as a normal honest trustworthy person and doesn't secretly know that everyone, EVERYONE she speaks to thinks she's a fucking idiot who's got what she deserved - a broken marriage and a shattered set of childhoods - and all for nothing because the sordid little affair didn't even go the distance.

Meanwhile, you honestly couldn't have handled it any better.

No undignified texting.
No scenes.
No pick me dance - you split with him.
Moved on to a new good relationship.

Every time she sees you, she squirms.
Every time you don't feel the need to respond, she thinks 'She's happy. She doesn't even need to respond to me - I'm truly insignificant to her.'

You've won. It doesn't mean it's easy, but you've won.

And her friends? They think this too. They may be happy to keep the status quo and not drop her - it's what most people do - but do you know what? They thank their lucky stars they aren't her.

Poor stupid deluded cow.

One day, you will truly stop caring. She'll have this round her neck for the rest of her life.

Other people have to make their own judgements about someone's character. You've been badly hurt which has been a personal tragedy to you but the reality is that marriages break down all the time for all kinds of reasons and some just don't want to know.

She's also an easy and visible target don't forget. When you don't have much invested in the 'OW' it's easier to paint them as the villain of the piece, luring men away from their families, turning their heads etc. Easier than getting angry with a man you thought you loved who instigated the affair and went along with it enthusiastically that is. Your exH sounds like a really nasty piece of work. Do you see him much?

Being betrayed by a friend causes terrible grief and loss. Its as if the person stabbed you, but then died themselves so you could never ask them why. But of course you know that even if they were resurrected and you could ask their ghost why they did it, the answer would just be another type of stab wound.

Thats whats happening, you're seeing her ghost at the gates every day.

The good thing is that is she's talking and laughing a bit too loudly and goading you, then that is born out of deep, deep insecurity. "LOOK AT HOW FABULOUSLY I'M DOING!"

There is only one thing you can do, and that is to live well. Presumably its all over the village that you have a new relationship and its going swimmingly. She may be in a new relationship but Lord knows how its going and all her gambling with her life and others lives has led to a trail of wreckage behind her. So I would take comfort in your lovely new life and freedom, walk tall, and I would never ever ever walk into that playground without lipstick on.

Thanks Castle, I know you're right. The first thing she did when she finally split with ExH was to go running back to her STBExH and try to patch things up. Thankfully, he saw through it and that it was more about her wanting her old life back rather than wanting him back, so he told her where to go. He and I have remained friendly so he told me this.

And the way I've handled it has had an awful lot to do with Mumsnet and the brilliant advice on this board. God knows how I would have got through it otherwise!

Sending texts denying what happened and asking to be friends again, arrogance and loudly laughing and arranging nights out near you are all signs of insecurity. Your approach of ignoring is clearly rattling her - carry on doing it!

I would also stop the remaining flow of information about her. The more you cut yourself off from it all, the easier it will be.

I would find it very difficult to forgive a friend having an affair with a friend's husband. It is a lot worse from both their parts to having an affair with an unknown woman. It's a double betrayal and trust me few people can stomach that. The fact that they're no longer together actually makes it worse. They've hurt so many people and have to continue to all.live in the same place for something that can't have been that great. At least if it was a great love you could understand a little.

Yes Cogito, she wasn't the sole reason for my marriage breaking down, there were other reasons. He had at least one other EA before her, which I found out about when my DD was a newborn. Another woman in the village of course! I think I just find it unfathomable that she continued to keep me close and encourage me to confide in her when she was seeing him behind my back. I thought she would have gone out of her way not to see me in those circumstances.

I do see my ExH and we're amicable now. It's important for the children, particularly DS as his SEN means that he needs both our support. He has moved on to another relationship but, from what I hear, is carrying on behind her back. He will never change and I'm glad I got out when I did. I pity his current DP because she's nice and good for the children to be around.

Thanks Anna, great advice, particularly the bit about the lipstick!

Laughing loudly to me is her brazening things out. She could actually be ashamed of what she did and the goading you refer to could be a faint hope you might react - then she'd feel relieved and somehow imagine you both to be 'quits'. (Of course not, but people can rationalise things to their own way of thinking).

You have endured and have come through an ordeal and now have a good and rewarding new relationship. What did she gain? Your cheating H who eventually slunk off. Yes of the two his was the bigger betrayal but as a close friend she was a snake in the grass.

"Well, she's never actually done anything to me" - aka "I'm all right Jack!" they'd better hope she learned her lesson.

I imagine if your exH is your DCs' father that means you do have to have some contact. This woman may remain on your radar if her DCs attend the same school but over time that face will blend into the background.

Yes, Cricrichan, from what I understand she painted it as a 'great love' at the time which is why people were sympathetic to her. I believe she now says that he 'broke her heart'. She said this recently to a mutual friend who reminded her that their actions had destroyed 2 marriages and affected the children on both sides.

Yet, she knew from me when we were friends that my ExH had form for this kind of behaviour. She obviously thought it would be different with her.

We were all in a big group of friends and used to go on short breaks 1/2 times a year. That group has drifted apart and I see very few of them now.

Thanks Donkeys, I really hope she does just blend into the background. In some ways, the playground is easy because I'm prepared for it, it's worse when I bump into her when I'm not expecting it.

Just pity her next time you see her having to act as the life and soul.

And wonder how many of the women she is doing this at are really too scared not to be there and wondering if it may be their H next.

Small village, they will all know, they will all have judged and not a single one will really trust her.