Father had affairs

[Hepworth7]

I recently found out father had numerous affairs throughout his marriage to my mother. I'd always assumed he was faithful to her, now I'm shocked and angry, I feel I didn't know my him at all. He died many years ago, I was very close to him, right now I hate him. Has anyone been in a similar situation, I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this.

Religious people would probably phrase it that you can 'hate the sin but love the sinner'. He was still your Dad, even if he was flawed. Your relationship with him wasn't a lie even if he was lying to your mother.

My father had affairs during his marriage when me and my siblings were young which I knew about. I hated him then and took my mother's side. But now that I am older, I can understand more of the incompatibility issues which led (but did not excuse) to his behaviour and respect the way in which he never doubted it was his duty to provide for his family.

My parents are still together.

He was the dad you thought he was. He wasn't the husband you thought he was, to your mother. You just didn't have all the information. Nothing has changed. He was the same man, even if you now know more about him.

My dad had affairs. We knew at the time. I was older teen. I don't remember being bothered by it. One lady was famous and she called the house to chat with me. My mother was screaming "Hang up the phone" and I am just chatting with the lady. It was funny then and is still funny. I never thought his sex life was any of my business. I am NC with him now but not because of who he was having sex with and when or why or whatever. I don't care. I didn't care. I don't know why he stayed married to my mother so long. He clearly wasn't happy with her. I guess he felt like he had some duty or obligation to remained married. They eventually divorced. Long overdue.

It isn't funny to me, I now understand why my mother had breakdowns and struggled to be a good mother to me and my siblings. She was cold and remote and I took the brunt of her abusive behaviour, I thought she was to blame for everything that was wrong and dysfunctional about my family, now I realise my father was culpable too. I feel awful guilt as my mum must have gone through hell when we were children and took a lot of flak from me and my siblings as adults. I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive him, it's tearing me apart.

Get counselling.

Your mother might have been remote and abusive even if your father had been an angel. He might have found her remote too, and sought comfort elsewhere. Having affairs might have been less harmful to the family than actually leaving.

Dr Irene Kassorla wrote a book called 'Putting it all together' (I think). In it she offered a simple technique. Make a pile of big cushions. Tell them what's on your mind. Beat seven types of shite out of them. (I don't think that's how she phrased it).

Your script would start "Dad, I trusted you. I thought you were a good man but you were unfaithful to mum. I hate that. I resent it. You shouldn't have let me down..." whilst punching cushions.

You'll feel silly. Then you get right into it. If you keep it up you'll feel exhausted and much, much better.