So nervous!

[Vixinafix]

I have for the last year been chatting online with my ex. We broke up due to his visa running out and him having to return home. It was devastating at the time but we both went on to have other relationships. Anyway neither of our relationships worked out and last yr we started talking again and all the feelings are still there. My problem is (and please don't laugh but it's really stressing me out) is that at Christmas he's flying back and we are spending a weekend together in a lovely hotel. It's not the physical side to it that I'm worrying about, it's the toilet aspect!!!! How will I go number 2 in a hotel room with him right there! It's been 17 yrs since we last saw each other and I'm dreading it! Part of me is laughing at myself for being so ridiculous but the other part is wondering how I'll deal with it. I've not been with anyone in 3 yrs so it's kind of nerve racking, and also a bit daft??

1. Enter bathroom, lock door, put plug in wash hand basin and start running taps, slowly and noisily. A loud, slow trickle is fine and will mask any noise of you defecating/multiple flushing.

1. Sit on bog with seat down (obviously).

1. Spread your arse cheeks (and thighs if appropriate) to totally seal off the toilet - so basically your arse becomes the lid and the toilet itself is like a vacuum. Make sure there are no gaps from which stink can escape.

1. Shit as quick as you can - don't wipe, just shit ... and then flush immediately with arse still sealing the toilet. You might get a bit of water spray going up the jacksy but think of it as a sort of bidet.

1. Sit there a minute or so (keeping an eye on the running taps obviously) while flush subsides and then - with wad of paper ready - make a small gap between arse and toilet seat, by raising a buttock slightly through which to insert hand to wipe quickly, but don't hang about.

1. Flush again straight away to get rid of paper.

1. Get up, and if loo has a proper lid, put it down immediately.

1. Make big palava of washing hands by squirting (perfumed) hand soap or bar of soap or shower gel or whatever is available into your (by now full) basin of water and swirling around to make a lovely foamy solution - like you would a bubble bath. The surface area of this solution gives off a 'clean' aroma which wafts around the bathroom and will get rid of any residual shit stink that may be hanging around.

1. You can also use the same soapy solution to have a bit of a clean up down there as well if rushed arsewipe didn't do the job properly.

10. Before leaving bathroom check toilet to ensure there is no evidence down the sides of the pan, of you having shat, otherwise all your efforts will have been in vain. If there is, use toilet brush to remove.

I read a thread on here where someone had been married for several years, with children, and had never had a poo whilst her DH was in the house.
More recently there was a woman who wouldn't let her DH do a poo at home, he had to go in work. If desperate he had to pop to Asda.

Loving this thread...and lucky you My guess is he is probably thinking the same thing...and men do stinkier poos!!!

Fontella Point 2. If you put the seat down surely you can't get a proper seal as there is usually a gap between the seat and the porcelain.

I'm going to give that a go though. Sounds promising.

I would definitely go for the shower on then shit option OP.
As an aside I went out with a control freak army officer who was horrified by all female bodily functions. I wasn't allowed to fart in his company for 2 years and would be in pain from holding it in at times. We went to India for 2 weeks and he ended up with the most horrendous shits. The noises from out en-suite were dreadful - and he would give me a running commentary on unnecessary details like consistency and how soothing the bottom washer was on his burning anus. Still I was not allowed to even let off a little whiffle in his company.... One day we went on a motorbike into the mountains - after a long drive we stopped to look at an amazing view and as he hauled his bike up onto the stand he shat himself. Not just a little bit either. I like to think of that as karma.
I farted in front of DH on our first date...

I have never farted in front of DH, ever.

I'm loving reading the suggestions and will be definitely practising to work out most effective way for minimal smell escape!
Fackinell your story made me hoot, kind of thing that would happen to me. I'm praying I don't get a tummy bug!
And the having sex aspect I cannot blooming wait for, I still fancy the pants off him and it's been a mega frustrating year not being able to touch him, possibly tmi but it's the truth!

Asteria, that story made me roar with laughter!

Satinlaces

Good point and one I'd never thought off before! You'd probably get a better seal straight onto the porcelain, so despite having good results with my method, I'l going to try it with seat up next time.

I have no words of wisdom, but this has made me laugh so hard I cried!
Very informative though, as I hate to be on the loo with people about.
Can totally see where you are coming from OP.
Good luck, enjoy your weekend! :)