I am sick of daughters dad and having to encourage him to see her

[vodkanchocolate]

I dont have contact with my father and I think its very important for a child to know their dad as think it has played a very unsettling part in my life but when does it get to the point where you stop and think actually this is doing the child more harm?

He dumped me when I was pregnant 9 years ago now, he has needed prompting to see her pretty much through out her life wether it me inviting him round or his parents having her to their house. Only times hes willingly asked to see her is to do show off things like holidays, theme parks etc and to bring flash gifts at Christmas and Birthday. The everyday boring parent stuff is just out of bounds as far as hes concerned. Hes always payed his way has never missed his maintenence payments and on the few occasions ive needed extras hes given me money without an argument so he is good like that I just feel like im wasting my energy with him ie keeping him in the loop about schooling etc surely he would be interested?

Now hes getting married and not got any problem with that but hes had it plastered all over facebook, I know for a fact he had not told my daughter. He had known ive seen and there was no dont tell her ill do it or anything. Shes nearly 9 and getting to that age now where she will start to come up with her own opinions on him but it just gets me so annoyed. I have been with my husband since she was a baby and she thinks of him as her dad as soon as I had my eldest child with husband she started copying and calling him "dadda" I did go to the effort of getting it into her that she only has 1 daddy but she would say she wants 2.

I have spoken to him until im blue in the face its like nothing registers with him, I feel like giving up. His parents are very good with her I cant fault them at all cant really blame them but I think if he was my son he would of had a very hard kick up the butt by now, as a mother its an horrible situation to be in. I know should be greatful he does see her but compared to the relationship she has with my husband and the relationship her siblings have with their father I just think it could be a lot better for her. I dont know how she feels about the situation I have tried asking her a couple of times but she doesnt give anything away. She is an happy child and no obvious issues with the situation.

Any tips will be taken on board

I think you should keep encouraging him to see your daughter. Let your daughter name her own mind up. It's also important she see her grandparents. Doing this will mean she won't resent you for not letting her have a relationship with her father.
It's going to be tough but worth it in the long run. (I think)

I don't think children benefit from having people shoe horned into their lives that don't care about them. Better they spend time with people who genuinely love them and have time for them rather than keep being let down or ignored. Facilitate contact, therefore, but don't go out of your way.

Hey, thank you for replying. I arent and never will stop contact but I think shes at that age now where a light it going to 1 day turn on and she'll start questioning her dads relationship with her. I mean as it stands now she calls him dad but hes like this cool uncle who turns up now and then with a gift then goes, I wouldnt say she dotes on him or anything hes just "dad" and I find it sad that there is no closeness between them at all, if they have been out somewhere and he drops her off its as if hes saying bye to a mate or something. I know from the start hes always insisted he wasnt ready for father hood but hes had 9 years now to get used to the idea so that excuse does not wash mith me.

Her grandparents are lovely people have a few other grandchildren and they have regular sleep overs my daughter does really enjoy that and is a lot closer to her grandparents than her dad shes also really close to his brother and sister. I just find it odd!

Kids need fathers. But only if they're good ones.

I would stop forcing the situation to be the way you want it to be.

Let her call step dad "dad" if she wants to. He has played a dad role, and not being able to do this, she might feel a bit on the outer.

Let him see her when he initiates it. You don't speak badly about him, but the relationship is between them.

Hi I dont see how im forcing the situation, I am offering him chance to be involved eg asking if he wants to go to school events etc which he never does or will say he cant get out of work or whatever. I am trying to keep him involved. I am at point where I am fed up of initiating things but if I didnt I very much doubt she would see him at all. This situation is would preferably have set visits and a decent routine in place and more structure rather than me txting to ask if you he wants to see her at all this weekend. We have in the past tried but due to work commitments he couldnt stick to set days or sleep overs and then things just got back to how it was.

I don't think he wants to see her. I had the same situation myself. If your dd has a great relationship with her stepdad then you should concentrate on building that up, after all its what she knows. Take a step back and stop trying to force him to see her, he makes no fuss in paying maintenance, and he made it obvious when he left you and your baby all those years ago. I would say her relationship with the grand parents is far more important than the biological father.

I think you should do nothing. The paternal family are interested in her and her father meets his legal obligations towards her.

You don't need to chase him about contact. Just leave it with him, after all there's no need for him to contact you first because you do it all of your own back.

You said he cannot commit to set times days etc due to his job.

It's sounds like he's never gonna be the father to your dd that you want but what he does or doesn't do is way out of your control.

Be thankful she has your own dh as a role model.

I completely agree with some of the above posters.

Just let him do the running from now on. If your DD requests to see her DF then - fair enough - contact him and tell him.

She has her stepfather and you - the 'dad' isn't her dad in her mind.

You will be fighting a losing battle if you continue .

I would back off too. Maybe somewhere in the middle; let him know if school evenigns come up but don't ask if he's actually coming, just wait to see if he offers.

it sounds like your daughter has lovely grandparents and a good uncle and aunt as well as her stepfather. She has a lot of good role models and if there's one thing I've learned, blood is not thicker than water.

Take the good, reliable, involved, decent father-figures where you can find them. (I speak as someone with biological, foster, adoptive and step-fathers; blood has nothing to do with reliability and interest).

Agree with other posters. Don't stop her from seeing her dad but don't organise it all so that he HAS to see her iyswim.
Her grand parents are clearly much more willing to be in the loop. Protect that. They are her family too and they will be able to help her understand better when the time is right.
Tbh your ex is acting like a father. He is decent enough to look after her financially but he is not a dad. I suspect your DH is her dad despite the fact he isn't her father. And the fact she has a dad, even though it's not who you would expect it to be, in her life is probably the most important

Keep him in the loop with what is going on with your daughter generally, perhaps by sending an email every now and then with things like school grades, any issues, birthday parties etc.

Don't invite him to things, let him get on and do it.

It doesn't sound as though your daughter is missing out, she has your DP there, and he sounds like a brilliant 'daddy'. She 'knows' her biological dad, even if he plays more of a cool uncle role. He isn't a mystery, she won't ever think 'the grass is greener' over there because she knows where she stands with him and her family.

He's not cruel or malicious, he doesn't use your DD to get at you, he doesn't promise to be there and not show up. He doesn't object to your partner playing a parenting role to your DD. His family are involved, and doesn't seem to be playing mind games with you either.

He's taking his financial responsibilities seriously, so he's not leaving you carrying the sole costs.

It isn't the ideal parent relationship, but it is A relationship, and that's ok.

Relationships aren't a one size fits all. If everyone's happy, including your DD, then that's ok.

Step back, he isn't the Dad you dreamt of when you got PG all those years ago, but he's a damned sight better Father than many DCs have. He pays, he sees her, he gives her gifts, yes it's a bit of a distant relationship, but it's way way better than the relationship many DCs have with their NRP.

Your daughters 9, IME girls understanding of adults develops massively between 8-11.

Leave it, let her come to her own conclusions about her Dad.

I think you're very wrong to tell she only has 1 daddy. That isn't true. Your husband is the one who is raising her and has every right to be called daddy.

I'd leave contact up to your dd's father and just make sure that you and your husband love her and raise her the best way you can.

I can tell you from experience the moment you stop pushing for contact but to allow contact to happen is very different and very liberating. It hurts every time they reject your child.

Hi just been reading replies and you have all given me some useful advice something for me to try and put into practice.

I think I will leave it and see how long it takes him to get intouch, its not that I obsessively ring him or anything just the odd txt near weekend to see if he would like to see her, I like to know for my own plans more than anything.

She is a lucky girl, she has me and my husband and her siblings, my family, dads family and my husbands family treat her equal to my others so that is great. I think due to my own experience of been fatherless has added to the problem I have always wanted things to be dfifferent for my children. I think aswell the way people say to me he should be doing more for her, even his own mum has said it thats when I feel like I should be doing more to encourage him but I am deffinately going to NOT txt him this weekend, I know we have plans as a family and chances are her grandma might offer to have her Saturday night as she often does so either way daughters not going to be left out in the cold

just the odd txt near weekend to see if he would like to see her, I like to know for my own plans more than anything.

Just make your plans. If he wants to see her he will have to realise that life is going on and that just because suddenly he has the urge to see her doesn't mean that everything is in place for it to happen.

Don't put yourself of the rest of your family at his beck and call.

Yes, he SHOULD be doing more, but he COULD be doing a whole lot less. His disappointment as a son to his own mother is HER burden to deal with, not yours.

I have had to take a long hard look at this with my own XH. Over the past 2.5 years, I have begged him to see DD once a week, to ring her once a week and to never ever let her down on the EOW access. I have advised him when she has had extra support from the school, I have advised him when she goes up a swimming level.

He doesn't even reply to the emails or acknowledge them in any way. I got to the point where I was so frustrated that he wasnt taking more of an interest in her life, that it was destroying me.

So I take myself out of the equation where ever possible now. The school send reports and assessments directly to him. I told him to read the school newsletter to keep up to date with parents evenings and events.

I gave up asking him to ring her or see her more often. He has now moved 2.5 hours away and everybody just thinks its a matter of time before his new life gets in the way and he sees less and less of her.

I have given up. It is his life, his decisions.

you need to do the same or you will drive yourself mad. you cannot make a man see his child or show more interest. I know how you feel, I really do, but you reach a point where you just need to adopt a MEH attitude. Tell him the important stuff, dont expect a response.

These men may regret it one day, they may not, but as long as you are the best mum that you can be and the rock for your DD, then she will be ok.

Hi Skye, im sorry you are going through similar it is a nasty feeling that the other parent doesnt care as much isnt it, im not saying they dont love them but its so much easier for men to just get on with their own lives isnt it. I will be deffinately taking advice given off this post anyway

Your efforts have been well meaning but your in danger of setting s dangerous precedent, whereby in order to have a relationship with her father, your daughter must assume the responsibility of doing all the work.

Your energies would be better spent, supporting your daughter in accepting her father for who he is, an uninvolved one, rather than the father you hoped he was.