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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So apparently this is a red flag?!

20 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 06/10/2014 21:32

On another thread a man was denounced as odd as the longest relationship he'd had in 15 years was 8 months.

Well my record is 6 months in 15 years following an abusive relationship. I feel like a failure now. I've been feeling a bit shit about my long term singleness but it dosnt seem to be improving.

I was with dds dD for 6 months before I got pregnant then get ran off.
I dumped one after 5 months as he did not support me through mums terminal cancer.
I got dumped after 2 months as I didn't like his weed habit.
The latest one refused to pay petrol to see me so I dumped him.

The advice on here advises me to stay single for a bit thus adding to my lack of desirability. Clearly I'm a hopeless case!

OP posts:
Flexibilityisquay · 06/10/2014 21:35

The longest relationship I had in 27 years was 3 months. Then I met DH, and now been happily together for the last 11 years. I don't think there is anything wrong with me!

borisgudanov · 06/10/2014 21:36

Well if he was "odd" I must've been a fucking Martian with two heads and three arses until I was 32.

Utter bollocks prejudice.

WipsGlitter · 06/10/2014 21:40

Me and DP were each other's first serious. I was 33 and he was 40. Eleven years, two kids later, no flags!

happyandsingle · 06/10/2014 21:40

At least you have had relationships even though they might not of lasted long it just means you haven't found the right one yet.
If it makes you feel any better I have been single for nearly 7 years now apart from a 3 month fling,but thats my whole relationship history in 7 years.
You also had a previous abusive relationship like me and that can take a long time to get over and effect future relationships sometimes without us even realising it.

LadyLuck10 · 06/10/2014 21:43

Advice on here depends on which way the wind blows. There's a lot of double standards and hypocrisy. I wouldn't believe everything you read. Absolutely nothing wrong with how your life's turned out. Don't let this get you down.

vodkanchocolate · 06/10/2014 21:46

Love it doesnt matter what anyone else says or thinks we are not robots programmed to do the same thing. Your time will come I promise, I think it would be better to have a few short relationships than staying with the same numpty for years on end, chin up x

BertieBotts · 06/10/2014 21:48

I find that odd as well. Maybe people are just picky (no bad thing!) or unlucky in who they have met. When I got together with DH his previous longest relationship was 3 months! OK we were only 22 or 23 when we got together but still, I think it is unusual, most people have had a relationship lasting a year or so at that age.

Anyway it's fine, we're still together and happier than ever 4 years in.

MisForMumNotMaid · 06/10/2014 21:51

Is it better to be single and in control of your destiny, to have made your choices for good reasons or in a long term relationship with say no.3 the druggy or no.4 looking for a meal ticket?

Be confident in yourself and your choices. You live by them and they sound pretty wise to me.

I think the world could do with a few more people who don't pursue dead end relationships, just keep trying hoping things/ people will change. I'm not saying throwing in the towel at the first row but drugs and lack of interest or support are pretty major things.

lunatuna · 06/10/2014 22:24

I think it can be a 'red flag' as in it can make you want to question why that person has been more or less single for so long, but anyone with a bit of kindness would understand that it is possible to have been unlucky in love despite being a perfectly wonderful individual.

When you meet someone you like, or when someone meets you and likes you, it isn't going to instantly put them off to know that you haven't had any recent longterm relationships, but you or they are likely to question why.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Believe that you are ok really, because you are.

Why do you think you have been single so long? Genuine question.

MisForMumNotMaid · 06/10/2014 22:33

My DH and I married when he was 39. He'd never had a relationship of six months plus. I didn't see it as a red flag.

Momagain1 · 06/10/2014 22:37

Better a series of conclusive endings than drifting into a LTR which doesnt really suit, or diving into one because you are afraid of not having a LTR.

Trills · 06/10/2014 22:49

I think you are misunderstanding.

It is perfectly possible that a good person has not had a long-term relationship.

And it's perfectly possible for an utter wanker to have had a number of long-term relationships.

Nobody is saying only weirdos have not had a long-term relationship by the time they are 30

But that doesn't mean there isn't a correlation.

If there is someone who you are unsure of for other reasons, and it turns out that they have never ever had a long term relationship, that information can help you to build a bigger picture.

It doesn't mean anything on its own. But in conjunction with other information it can be an indicator of something.

Hissy · 06/10/2014 23:30

superstar you were in an abusive relationship, targeted by your abuser due to your vulnerability. this vulnerabilty means thhat you don't police your boundaries in a way to protect yourself from people like them.

the vulnerabbility would have started before the abusive relationship, perhaps while growing up.

you need to look then at these other blokes. not one of them worth the time of day. perhaps because your boundaries still aren't strong enough. had you believed in yourself, they woulndn't have stood a chance of even talking to you.

if you haven't done it already, you need the Freedom Programme AND ideally therapy to heal the hurt done to you, both by the abuser and whoever taught you that you weren't worth more.

you didn't do anything wrong, but you were conditioned into believing this was what you deserved.

break that idea now, do the healing and put in the effort and you'll lose any residual vulnerability.

once you're no longer flashing the vulnerable beacon, people like the blokes you've described would know to stay away, and the people who could be good for you will no longer be invisible to you.

what this does highlight though is that the short relationships you've had are signalling an issue at some level. it's not a fault of yours, but there is an issue. one that won't go away until you make it, but at least you CAN fix it.

the next relationship you need to have, is with yourself. there's no short cut to this.

well done for getting out of the abuse! now's the time to actually live Flowers

Frogisatwat · 07/10/2014 05:35

To be honest it sounds to me like you have your boundaries in place. Which makes you the better person.
I had a nine year relationship with an abusive wanker who treated me like shit.
that doesn't make me successful at relationships. .

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 07/10/2014 06:24

I wouldn't worry about what people on here say sometimes. This sounds like a classic case of MN double standards. I doubt anyone on MN would say a woman was 'odd' with a relationship history like that, they'd probably just assume she was either very unlucky or she'd be congratulated for being strong and independent.

With you it's been a misture of bad luck and that you're not prepared to tolerate other people's crap just to cling to a relationship, which is a very GOOD thing and certainly not 'oddness' on your part.

Some people (most commonly men IME) want to date and have casual non-comittal relationships but have no desire to be serious with anyone, so they constantly move on when they start to feel under pressure to make a commitment. It may be a little unusual but it's not 'odd' or a red flag necessarily, it's just a personal preference. It is not the law that we should all be looking for someone to settle down with.

Sickoffrozen · 07/10/2014 08:59

I think being brave enough to end relationships that are not working is a good thing. As often evidenced on here, some people cling on for dear life no matter how shit they are being treated!

hellsbellsmelons · 07/10/2014 09:06

I echo doing the Freedom Programme.
Do call Womens Aid and get some support regarding your previous abusive relationship.
It will have completely skewed your 'bastard' radar and it just needs resetting.

I have a wonderful friend who everyone loves dearly. She has never had a long term relationship. Nothing lasting more than a couple of months in fact.
She is fine with this and hitting 40 soon.

Not everyone is cut out for long term relationships. Some people are happier on their own, doing their own thing.

Freedom Programme then take it from there.

ARainyDay · 07/10/2014 09:06

I think it's quite sensible actually. You obviously spotted they weren't for you early on, so in my books you get extra points for not wasting years of your life!

There are plenty of other red flags to use and people don't usually only have one, so don't worry about it. Sounds like you have a good instinct in that department anyway.

Speaking as someone who has had relationships from 3 weeks to 7 years and definitely wishes I hadn't wasted the 7 years!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 07/10/2014 09:19

I've only ever had one relationship (I'm 31) and that lasted 3 years. So obviously I'm a walking red flag.

kaykayblue · 07/10/2014 10:22

I disagree. I think Trills explained it pretty well above.

Red flags aren't - in themselves - an immediate reason why you shouldn't touch someone with a barge pole (unless it's a pretty serious one). They are just helpful indicators.

If I met someone who had never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months in 15 years, then yes I would consider it a red flag. So I would ask them about it.

Depending on their answer, it either stops being an issue, or you know for sure that it's an indication that you might not want to hang around.

For everyone that's simply met people who were unsuitable, or the relationship stalled due to external circumstances (moving for work, change in personal circumstances, people being dicks), there are an equal number of people who are only after the thrill of the chase, who only ever put themselves first and can't compromise, or who simply haven't grown up yet.

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