any advice on attending mediation with a narcisstic please

[greenberet]

just that really - getting anxious about the whole thing - wanted to do this to try & have some sort of relationship with DH for sake of kids but the way he is treating me lately looks increasingly unlikely and he is being generally obstructive and twisting things to make me look in the wrong. He thinks its all me and I'm back in that place of doubting myself. When I have nothing to do with him I am fine - as soon as I have to have contact with him even via email I end up feeling a mess. Just want him out of my life but with kids is this possible.

as romeyroo said.
focus on practicalities.

focus on trying to get something concrete an interim clear contact schedule - for dc contact (if that is what this is about)

if you well prepared and know exactly what is right and reasonable for DC you can just keep reiterating that.

if you are able to sit and let your ex rant and then when asked by the mediator simply state factually "it is best for the children they see dad on xx x days at xx times"

don't get drawn in.
don't defend yourself - you don't need to.

if you have an idea of the things he will say etc you can be ready with your set phrases to repeat calmly.

Hi there. I found this article very helpful about communicating with a Narcissist.

powercommunicating.com/articles/Suggestions%20for%20Communicating%20with%20Narcissists.pdf

Also remember that what happens at a mediation is driven by parties rather than the mediator. If you don't want to see/be in a room with your N ex and do all the mediating solely via the mediator, this is an option. Just tell the mediator. They may advise you that meeting face to face/ later would be a good idea but you don't have to do what they say.

"Hi i have already had a telephone conversation with mediator so this is us together - i have also sent her copies of emails where I feel ex is being unreasonable but she is unable to comment on these - can only go on what happens with her present"

Does the mediator want you and he to attend the same session and or to be in the same room?. You must not sit in the same room as he is!.

I would talk to Womens Aid in any case and seek their counsel; if anyone is being totally obstructive here anyway it is he. If you're already worrying about it I would insist on sitting in separate rooms.

I will stand corrected on this but to me this mediator seems already out of her depth with regard to your H. I think your H is going to run absolute rings around this mediator during that session and you will get nothing from mediation apart from the feelings of being completely wrung out to dry.

www.huffingtonpost.com/tina-swithin/8-tips-for-dealing-with-a_b_2799069.html

Although American in tone, the above may help you a little.

I still do not think mediation will at all work here because he will make these sessions all about him. I would if at all possible just go straight to court and ensure that you have Solicitors that actually understand domestic violence and or NPD.

omg CheersMedea that article is incredible, it sums up my stbxh to a t. I hadn't even realised he was one but it explains absolutely everything about him, including how he is with waiters, etc .

greenberet I've been trying to get my abusive stbxh to a mediation session to no avail. I went to an initial assessment alone and it was very helpful in understanding the process, she also gave me some tools to help me - eg I was concerned he might sit there and cry and I would find that hard to deal with and negotiate with - she had ideas for how to think about that . She also said I could stop the session at any point I felt uncomfortable or unsure. I would recommend going to have a face to face session alone - it may make you feel more confident and clear about the process.