feeling awful, need some words to keep me sane

[conway]

I have posted many times and am divorcing my Hubbie for his behaviour. He is in complete denial and won't open the letter from the court with the papers he has to sign. Feel really bad as he told me my boys 13 and 8 will always hate me if I divorce him as he will tell them it is all down to me. This has made me feel really depressed and yesterday saw lots of family's having days out together and thought that we will never have that again.
I know divorce is the right thing but didn't realise it would be such a struggle.
The other problem is that we are supposed to be going to Spain for half term and don't know what to tell the kids as I will obviously not be going. I could let my hubbie go with them and I stay at home but I am worried that my boys will hate me if I don't go and he will turn them against me. . I could make some excuse about not going or could tell them the truth.
please help as I just feel like I can't cope!

Have you considered sitting the boys down together to discuss it? Your h is being self centred and I am sure he knows it. Having two parents who are prepared to discuss things will help them understand and not develop a feeling they have to take sides.
Be strong. Open those conversations, if he acts like a twat they will spot it easily enough.

He can tell the dc what he likes; their relationship with you is not the same as your relationship with him. He can call it all your fault, (and telling the dc that IMO is a form of abuse - he wants to hurt you by hurting them? ) but it makes no difference; in a year, or two, you will be divorced and settled into a whole new life. All of you.

Not sure about the not-signing papers, does he need to? I think that is probably 'unreasonable behaviour' right there. He is not 'in denial', he knows what he is doing - and that is 'whatever you don't want'.

you saw lots of families out having a good time and think you'll never have that again? Why not? you and your dc will be your own family. One that doesn't need an abusive twat in it.

Re Spain - I'd go! Why don't you? you dont need to play Happy Families, you could just go a co-parent? I did exactly the same on a skiing trip - but my ex was a reasonable and non-abusive man.

If possible cancel trip to Spain for you and your dcs. Don't go with your husband. And don't let him take kids. They will be sad without you and it will be horrible. Just have a v easy mid term with no added stress. Do they know you are divorcing? Your kids won't hate you. But if dh is angry with you then don't give him extra access to kids when you aren't there as he could say mean and damaging things to them. Just stay home and batten down the hatches with them close to you. Is she still living with you?

He not she

Your DCs are unlikely to hate you, whatever anyone says or does. Unless they've grown up in a complete bubble they will a) know you don't get a long and b) have met other kids with divorced parents. Children are small, not stupid. They need to be treated sensitively but I think you can talk to them honestly and openly about the situation, answer their questions, address their fears and in the process shoot your STBXH's fox....

Not really keen on him taking the boys to Spain but am worried that if not he will stay at home with us as he already has a week off work. I can't stand him been around and as we are still living in the same house it is pretty bad. Ironically one of the reasons for the divorce is him going out lots and drinking,now whenI want him out he is staying in more. Can't win!

Yeah.. my ex told our DC I was leaving them all so I could have sex with younger men (yes, that very phrase!). They were bewildered and miserable for a while as they didn't know what to believe, but time proved that XH was a lying wanker and I, basically, am not. They do still see their dad regularly, but they know to take what he says with a pinch of salt.

I never did get to have sex with younger men, as it turns out But the important thing is not having it with XH.

Annie that's outrageous

OP, I don't think I'd go to Spain, it would be pretty unbearable imho, not to mention being vulnerable potentially abroad.

I'm not sure about him taking them. I understand your concerns, but could you actually stop him?