Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Age gap relationships, being the older woman.opinions of..

47 replies

gottafindaman4yagirl · 06/10/2014 13:38

Just started dating a younger man, I'm early thirties and he's 9 years younger. Can a older woman date younger without it being a issue. Not sure I'm keen on being the older partner, even though I still occasionally get asked for ID when buying alcohol.
I find myself wondering why he's ok with me being older and should I be cautious, any older ladies with successful relationships with younger men ?

OP posts:

smallnotfaraway · 07/10/2014 13:19

I'm 8 (and for 3 months in the year, 9) years older than my dh - we have been together for nearly 15 years, have 2 kids, known each other for 18 years.

I'm in a different situation than the OP, as I was very naive and immature for my age when we first met, didn't have children and didn't consider myself any older than him. I have also always looked a lot younger than my age and still do.

Nobody can tell an age difference (yet - hey, I'm a realist) but then, we also seem a lot younger than our contemporaries - they call us kids, even though we are in the same age bracket as them.

As we get older, the appalling truth of the actual numbers seem to correlate less and less with how we feel on the inside :)

I couldn't imagine being with a man older than my age, as it would seem like a 'father figure' to me, (I lost my own father as a young teen - maybe that has something to do with it), and I still have that 'I'm not actually a real adult, I'm an impostor' feeling quite a lot.

In summary, all of the above, plus being very compatible in life goals, lifestyle, music and comedy tastes, is why it works in our particular situation.

zanashar · 07/10/2014 14:05

Mine prob doesn't count as much as DH is only 3 yrs younger but my oldest friend got married last year just before she was 36 to a 26 year old. They'd been together two Years by then, and have just celebrated their 1st wedding anniversary.
another close friend also married last year to a man almost 5 years younger than her.
So I'd say that's a resounding yes!!
I think it's all dependent on the individuals really.

joanofarchitrave · 07/10/2014 14:09

I know a relationship that started at late 30s and early 20s; tbh I was a bit shocked, but I would have been whatever the genders were. Nine years later it's still going along really well with all the things that anyone could want, home, family etc.

I think there is a slightly odd dynamic in the relationship but less odd than most relationships you see. i very rarely see relationships that i think 'wish I was in that situation', don't they all look pretty awful from the outside? It's still jogging along quite happily with lots of good things (home, family etc), more than most.

NellieSpencer · 07/10/2014 15:07

My XDP was a similar age to your younger man when we met; I was 6 years older than him. We always looked a similar age, so there were no toy boy comments. However I had a house and he didn't, so there are financial considerations to be made if you are not to end up losing out financially. We had 2 DCs together. He was immature in some ways, but he tried.

We separated after 10 years because he spent all his time working or staring at computer screens - there was no humour, converstaion or togetherness. We had nothing in common apart from the DCs. Not sure if that was anything to do with our ages though.

He's 25 years older now and still spends his life working and staring at comptuer screens, so nothing to do with him being younger just a bit of a twat

Personally now I'm much older I wouldn't want someone younger as it would emphasize that I look like an old hag my advanced age.

JillySuper · 07/10/2014 18:59

DH was 23 and I was 31 when we got together. Two DC and 17 years later we are still here. I think age is irrelevant - if it works it works

nomellamoestenombre · 07/10/2014 19:07

I couldn't not answer this one. I've just finished with a man ten and a half years younger than I am. But his age is not the reason I ended it. When we met, he thought I was a few years younger than I am and I thought he was a few years older than he is. We weren't seeking out an age gap relationship. But we got on very well. I'm quite confident about ageing though. He said once he had no problem with my age and I said kind of sarcastically that I didn't think that that was particularly 'big' of him! We really clicked though. That kind of 'click' that only happens a few times in your life. He is one of my favourite people even though it didn't work out. he was very hurt when I ended it. Anyway, not sure if that helps, but the reason I ended I ended it had nothing at all to do with his age. I've met men my own age (mid 40s) who are less mature than he is.

nomellamoestenombre · 07/10/2014 19:09

Also, ps, sorry if tmi but the bf before the man ten years younger, he was ten years older (bit of coincidence I know). and the sex was just a million times better with the younger mand in his 30s than the older man in his 50s. So, enjoy that I say!

Rowgtfc72 · 07/10/2014 19:11

Me and dh met about the same ages. We've been together nine years today. It just gets funny when I remind him of a song I heard at uni and he reminds me he was still at primary school. Were evenly matched on humour,intellect and our views on life. Age is irrelevant.

Dowser · 07/10/2014 19:53

There's an 11 year difference between son and fiancé . Both were single parents. They now have a child between them and been together 5.5 years.

She's also the older and they are very happy.

She's been good for my son. Just what he needed in fact and he's stepped up to the plate and she's a good home maker. At the moment they both look about the same age.
She's a good mother to my grandson , I've gained an adopted grandson and now there's another one...so all in all it's working out well.

madeofkent · 07/10/2014 20:02

Same here, and we are fine and have been together for almost 20 years. I did look younger than my age and know I still do and that helps, as no-one has ever commented. He was a very mature 25 year old when I met him. Apart from his sad addiction to Supertramp we get along very well. It used to worry me, but not much or often. Also - I got such a surprise when we went to the register office! Have a look at the banns if you ever get to one - a good third of all marriages were between older women and younger men, one was a 20 year difference which made our ten years seem minute. They were 21 and 41.

Iflyaway · 07/10/2014 21:12

Dowser, that,s lovely.

Wonder if I'll take the

DS,s dad is 13 years younger, met him when I was 34 and he was 21 abroad.

My current beau who I have been with for coming on 9 years and in a LDR which suits us fine as we are both LPs, is 22 ! years younger....
We have a great time when we get together, family stuff and friends.

Iflyaway · 07/10/2014 21:13

LOL@ addiction to Supertramp!

Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 21:15

I did, it was a fantastic ego boost and fun for a bit

Fairylea · 07/10/2014 21:23

I think being with someone younger makes you feel younger. Before I ended up with dh I had a bit of a wild time and went out with quite a few younger men - I was nearly 30 and they were all about ten years younger ish. At the risk of being cliché it made me feel less conscious of my own age and that I had much more life to live - especially as I had just been through an awful divorce.

I look at women my own age (nearly 35) with older men and I just think how on earth could they fancy them?! They all look so old to me.. too grown up. Which is ridiculous I appreciate as I am getting on a bit myself now and I know it's hypocritical of me but I guess we all have a type - or some of us do - and I could never even remotely fancy anyone my age or older.

Dh is okay though because he will never be my age .... He can never catch up!

Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 21:31

It got on my nerves after it served its purpose to be honest

WhiskeyTangoAlphaFoxtrot · 08/10/2014 11:52

I dont find older men attractive either.. im in my forties and men my own age need to prove they can pull a youmger woman still. Older men just seem so old, so i the few relationships ive had have been with men 30s!

chrome100 · 08/10/2014 11:56

I'm 33, my OH is 23. We met when we were 30 and 20.

I thought he was older and he thought I was younger and it was too late by the time we found out!

I did have huge reservations at the start, although couldn't really work out why because he was and is great. I think the issues were in my own head.

His dad is 20 years older than his mum so he is used to wildly different age gaps and has always been fine with it, but I think the fact I'm a woman and older made me feel strange.

Three years down the line things are great. He is very mature for his age and has had his own business since he was 19. Plus a lot of his friends are my age too. I rarely feel the age gap except when I see his birthday on his passport for example and realise it was in the 90s! Other than that, day to day, there are no issues at all.

Neither of us wants kids and I think it might be an issue if I did because I don't have much time left to wait around, so in that situation thigns might be different. My mum is convinced he's going to start wanting children when I'm too old and leave me but what's the use of worrying about a hypothetical situation?

UncleSue · 08/10/2014 12:41

I am 7 years older than DH, we have been married 10 yrs now and have 2 wonderful dc.
Was never a problem for us!

JaceyBee · 08/10/2014 13:08

I'm 35 and have been seeing a 24 year old for 4 months. It started very casual and is now a little more serious, although I still don't call him my bf but my lover

To me the age is irrelevant but the fact that we are in different life stages isn't. I am separated with 2 dcs and he has never had a real relationship. I kind of feel like I can't keep him because he has to go off and live his life and have a family if he wants to. I am at a stage where I want to develop my career and definitely don't want another baby.

However, we are very good for each other right now. I am a huge commitment phobe and he has felt like a 'safe' person to get close to, probably because the age gap means it can't work out long term. He is really good to me and gets me really well, and I do with him.

Occasionally things crop up that make me really notice, like last weekend I was getting up with the kids when he was just going to bed! But again that's about lifestyle not age, he's in a band and doesn't have a 'proper' job, and I'm a therapist so very different. But different can be good!

At the moment I'm happy and that's all I'm focussing on for now

Reese123 · 09/10/2014 19:29

Obviously it's dependent on the people involved but the guy I dated was 11 years younger, and was more immature than a teenage boy. So, yes it didn't end well and although he acted like he was mature he was most definitely not

frogmore6 · 11/10/2014 16:45

There are actually lots of men out there who prefer to (seriously) be and love older women.

magoria · 11/10/2014 20:36

17 year difference here.

To me it started as a FWB as I didn't expect a long term thing. It was a relationship to him from the start.

He is much more mature and grown up than me. Has his life plan, savings etc mapped out for years.

I did point out that I was over the children stage and if he wanted any he better look elsewhere but he doesn't want.

6 years so far!

Flip

1 2