I know the answer...just need coping strategies

[Sameolesameole]

Hi. I left my ex partner of 17 years whom I have children with. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. I'm happy I finally had the courage to do so and have no regrets. Nor do I miss him.

it's been a year. During the past 8 months, I entered a somewhat 'casual relationship' with a guy who at the time appeared to be all that my ex wasn't. It was causal because I had commitments to my children, and never wanted them to know about another man while they were adjusting to their new circumstances. Plus, the guy in question lived quite far, so although we kept in touch every day. We only met up once a week on average.

Last month, I made a discovery...he has a partner (not married) and a child. I was devastated and angry but he was adamant he wasn't happy with her and he only stays with her because of the threat of her leaving with his child.

Naturally, I didn't believe this and I cut contact. But, it's been so hard. He continues to text and call. Admittedly I have responded a few times but haven't met up.

I feel so hurt. One, because I was lied to. And second, because I know that I have been taken in solely on his looks and charm! I actually know that even if he left this woman, I couldn't trust him. And actually, he has never actually said he loves me etc. only that he misses me. He's a good looking guy that gets a lot of attention. I think in my heart I am not the only one he has been seeing. So why, with all this knowledge, am I struggling to get over him. I constantly think of him. I can't distract myself with friends etc as just want to be alone to cry. I feel so pathetic. How can I get over him?

I'm hoping someone here can help. I need to be strong. It's been a tough year...in fairness it's been tough from the moment I was in a relationship with my ex if 17 years...

Thanks

Cut off all contact with him. It's the only way. If you don't do that, you sabotage yourself.

I know. But it's continuously on my mind. And the stupid thing is. I know he is only using me. So why doesn't that make it easier??

Because you are a glutton for punishment ? I dunno

But the solution is in your hands. No excuses.

Block his number and email.

You just have to be frank with yourself that it's over. There is nothing either of you can do to change that so why waste anymore time on him.

I know that's easier said then done but it's the only way. Time will make it easier honestly.

Can you do something new to shift your focus? Join a gym class or start an online course?

vision2learn offer free courses you can do from home. I have recently signed up for one and I have a friend who has done a few and she's really enjoyed something different to do in the evenings once the kids are in bed.

AF has nailed it.

Go no contact and dig deep for the strength to try to keep busy. Keep your thoughts away from him. He's a loser, you know that.

Be strong.

He isn't the man you thought he was. That man doesn't exist, he wouldn't have behaved this way. He is also a total shit for doing this to his partner & child. You need to block him completely, & perhaps try being just you for a while. Take up a new hobby, join a gym or a new interest group, start a course if possible? You need to stop thinking about this man, try to make some new friends on a basis of having something in common.

Thanks everyone I know you're all right. That's the problem I actually know. But can't seem to shift my focus. I try distraction but can't help thinking of him. Yet know he's not the sort of guy I should be with. For doing what he's done too his partner and for lying to me.
This is what I hate. That I know the answer just find it hard

I'm sorry that you have had a tough time but it is true that you hold the power to your own recovery.

Stop all forms of contact. Tell him if he contacts you again that you will 100% contact his partner and tell her who he really is.

You want him because he was so nice to you but there are so many other men out there who are just as nice. Start looking again just to take your mind of him.

You know you deserve more. This man was just using you to fill what is lacking in his relationship. Excitement etc

Good luck.

Thinking won't help, only doing. Something absorbing, something tiring and something where you will meet other people. Kick yourself into action or pay/bribe yourself.
As time passes it does get easier but it also helps to do things to make time pass quicker

You describe yourself as feeling hurt, but you don't mention anger anywhere; anger about the deceit, almost certainly not only to you but to his partner and child. With the relevant anger about how you have been used it is much easier to completely cut contact and move the healing process on. If you have not experienced anger, do you have any thoughts on why?

Hi Gina. I did mention in my op that I was angry. It still doesn't help :-(

Ah yes - sorry, although it is an emotion with a range of intensities. Are you still angry? Are you angry enough to lose all respect for him as the description of his behaviour seems to warrant?

Hi again...
Found out last week I was pregnant. Clear blue test said 1-2 weeks...found out I 8weeks pregnant ??

No idea what to do. Contacted ex. He flipped. Said can't possibly go through with it as he has partner and child...feel so messed up

You need some RL support. You have to think of you not him.
I was going to respond to your initial post then I read this. My original thought was you were finding it hard because he probably eased some of the grief (even though it was your decision) about your LTR and buffered feelings for you.
Get some RL help.

I cant tell anyone...feel ashamed to be in this position. Don't think anyone in rl would understand