No closure at end of loving 20 month relationship

[Nofoolnomore]

Hello,

I've been seeing what I thought was a lovely man for 20 months. Last Monday we had a disagreement. I told him he was tight with his money (believe me he is!) and basically he went off in a strop and I haven't heard from him since!

I left him to sulk but thought one of us should be 'the bigger person' and make contact - but he's ignoring me. I think there is an element of pride/arrogance there and he's conflict avoidant but I just can't understand how he can throw away what was a secure and steady relationship so easily.

Up until that moment, he'd been so loving and we had our future together planned. Nothing had changed and there was no sign he'd fallen out of love with me or anything to indicate a change of feelings.

I just don't understand it. Sorry to sound so pathetic but I don't know what to do!

Sometimes people take advantage of a relatively trivial disagreement to end a relationship. Especially if they are the type that avoids initiating conflict. They carry on appearing to be loving & normal, but then see the minor spat as an open window and fly out of it.... Trick is not to chase after them.

Sorry this has happened to you.

I'm sorry too, I know it hurts

But really, you're better off without someone like that in your life.

Be glad he has shown you who he is now- you really don't want to be with someone who sulks and gives you the silent treatment for days, nor do you need someone mean with money.

OH lord I can imagine how you're feeling - utterly bewildered and hurt. I don't think there's a lot you can do though

I don't understand. You describe his as a "lovely man" and then go on to detail arrogance, tightwaddedness, male pride, sulking, ignoring you, conflict avoidance....need I go on ?

Bullet dodged, I'd say

I'd put money on the fact that the relationship is not in fact over but you are now being punished for daring to point out what a tight-fist stingy mingy he is.
What he would like to happen next is that you apologise and have learned your lesson. I'm sure you are in a lot of pain and confusion at the moment and quite naturally you will try to avoid this happening again.
That's not a reciprocal mature loving relationship. That's the beginning of you walking on eggshells to not 'upset' him and risk being cast out and painfully ignored again.
He's a cunt. Don't be in a relationship with people who make you feel bad. HE has fucked up here. Set your standards high and don't contact him and if he contacts you let him know you are disgusted by his bullying you with stonewalling and that you can't be in a relationship with someone who won't address conflict in an adult trusting loving way.
Seriously. Get pissed off. There is no mystery here. He is priming you to shut the fuck up in future. Don't allow it.
Also. Sorry this has happened to you

Perhaps the money question has been raised before by a previous partner and he is sulking because deep down he knows it's true. Don't be afraid to voice worries with partners, after twenty months you should have felt comfortable enough to air concerns.

Whatthefucknow is correct, in my experience.

I've just had similar from someone after a 12-month-relationship. He stonewalled and ignored me for two weeks, before texting me at 5 am on a Sunday morning to say he had 'met someone'. (And here I was, thinking I was 'someone'). But in hindsight, he's been playing me like this for months.

I know how much it hurts. I feel as if I've been kicked in the stomach. If you don't want to relive this situation over and over, tell him to fuck off.

Thank you for your replies.

You are all right. He was sulking because of how I spoke to him - everything was all ok/happy then - apparently out of nowhere - I snapped "you're so fucking tight". I rarely swear and I think he was shocked. (I was pre-menstrual)

I'm embarrassed to admit to you I texted him and he came round Monday evening. He said he was very angry with how I spoke to him and if he stayed and tried to talk it'd have ended up in a huge row. He also admitted he over-reacted and 'threw his teddy out of the pram'. I said I've got to be able to voice concerns to him without him going off on one and he said it was the way I did it that got him angry.

I do concede I snapped/could have broached the subject in a more constructive way BUT giving me the silent treatment was immature.

He is conflict avoidant but doesn't stonewall me if I want to bring a subject up.

He is a dependable, steady man who I trust. Surely that counts for a lot - especially after reading everything on the Relationship section of MN.

Incidently, we went out again last night and he did pay.

Sorry reading my post again, I feel I have hood-winked you by not mentioning how I snapped. I didn't mean to bed dishonest!

Cogito is right. I had a "relatively minor" argumenyt with recent bf and altho it seemed relatively to him , it compounded doubts id been privately aware of.

"I do concede I snapped/could have broached the subject in a more constructive way BUT giving me the silent treatment was immature"

As ever, two wrongs rarely make a right. If you treat this episode as a springboard to do something constructive about the way you behave towards each other when there is a disagreement, it could be beneficial. If you don't like what you've seen in each other and can't resolve it, that's usually called 'reaching a natural end'

Be both still love each other and want to make things work so will look at this incident as something to learn from.

Thank you so much for your replies.

Wow OP. He's getting you well trained. It's your fault now then is it?

I think you need to be very very careful and read whatthefuck's post again