Hmmm..... Well, sex!

[FoxgloveFairy]

Hi from Aus! Tasmania, no less!

Just after advice/ opinions.

Myself and my husband have been together for 24 years. Lately, in a bit of a sex drought, for us anyway. My husband is a marine engineer and is away for two weeks, home for two weeks. When he's home, obviously, we have sex about two or three times a week. This leave, he's had a bit of a grumble that he'd like it more, and I'm not as responsive to his signals as he'd like. Although it was still 5 lovely times in the fortnight. Is that less than usual for a couple like us? Should I initiate a bit more- not good at that, involves confidence I don't have! How can I without feeling stupid?

This is, I might add, on the background of a very loving marriage. We just seem to be missing each others cues lately a bit! Tips please!

'Usual' is a broad church and there's all kinds of normal depending on who you speak to. The crucial element with sex is compatibility. Both parties have to be on the same page or the risk is one is disappointed while the other feels under pressure. And that's not the recipe for a happy sex life.

If he's always the one initiating, that's probably the place to focus. If he's always up for it (I'm guessing now) and you are the one saying yes or no, that puts you in the position of gate-keeper on the sex-life. So the initiation should be shared out equally. Ideally it should be a spontaneous thing and this is where the process gets tricky. Think too hard about sex, discuss it too much and the spontaneity goes out of the window.

What is the intimacy like in your relationship? Do you kiss and cuddle? Hold hands? Or is all the intimacy saved for the bedroom?

Have sex as much as you want, and no more. Doesn't matter what anyone else does. If your dh feels its not enough, and you do, between you work out why.

Thanks Cogito.
As far as cuddles, kisses etc, outside the bedroom goes, we are very affectionate. No problem there. I take what you say about spontaneity on board- really anxious that it doesn't become a 'chore'. Can't think of anything worse. Long way from that yet, but just keen to avoid it.
Brought up Catholic, ie. conservative Irish Catholic mother, enough said? Almost feel like it's up to him to initiate. Unfair on both, obviously, and don't misunderstand, I fancy him too, just shy to initiate for want of a better term, or inhibited maybe. Not all the time, but most.
Just gentle hinting at this age from OH, but don't want it to be a problem. Thankfully, we communicate really, really well on all levels, and can discuss anything mostly.

Should add- it's always huge fun!

Then it sounds like you have a good basis to work on and plenty of non-sex-related intimacy - which is very encouraging because too often these types of problems end up being very polarised 'all or nothing'. If you want to feel more confident and less inhibited then that's a reasonable ambition.

After 24 years of a loving marriage, you must know your DH really well and there must be a lot of trust. There are lots of things you can do and IME by far the easiest and least ambiguous is to talk. All those things your Irish Catholic parents/teachers/priests said you shouldn't talk about.... talk about them! If you're self-conscious about initiating verbally you might find flirty/intimate texting or IM'ing is a one-removed way of being more adventurous.

Yes CES- my mother demanded a Catholic wedding and both of us went to the 'married' lessons from a priest! Who told me that if DH wanted sex, had to DTD! Seriously!! Both of us joked for years about that! One of the biggest things I love about him and us as a couple is that we do talk so well, about anything. Slightly toxic Mum if you hadn't picked it up. Stupid Catholic head games!

After 24 years of having sex wit him I think its a bit much to now blame his grumblings on you being raised Catholic, tbh.

Get over yourself and grab his ass!

Fair enough Annarose! Good advice- he'd love it! Just need the confidence, which is about me, ain't it, with his support- which I have(funnily enough!)?

I wasn't raised Catholic but my (also mildly toxic) DM was and thoroughly embraced the sexual repression in all its forms. :) Not that long ago she even said to me that I had no need for a double bed because I was single. LOL!

My current squeeze is a massive fan of the flirty texting which is why I suggested it. More than once I've read my phone, blushed to my roots and had to make up an excuse about hot flashes. :) My favourite response is 'get naked... bring beer...'

has he got access to porn whislt away? maybe he's found a few things online that have made him think oh we should be doing it more?

Hi CES- good point- some flirty texts would be a good thing, although on the rig he's on, they have to leave their personal mobiles onshore and use a company landline. Could go pear shaped!
Minkymusky- nah, no porn as risk of getting sprung high!
Guess what I need is a bit of sexual confidence. For me, not him. He maks me feel v. desirable!

You know there's nothing to stop you texting to someone in the same house? There he is quietly watching the Grand Prix.... text comes in from FoxgloveFairy .... 'Hello gorgeous... fancy popping upstairs for a pit-stop? Bring something that runs well in the wet... !'

OK.. I know it's a bit Sid James Carry On Film... but you get the idea

Heh heh! Sadly, only access is to a landline on the rig.The company monitor calls etc! Miss him heaps when he's away.

Okay- you mean when he's home? Bit dim- due to gin consumption tonight no doubt! Good idea, actually. Something like "need you quickly, all my clothes have fallen off and I've had to collapse on the bed"? That'd get results!

You see.... you're a natural. I predict huge success and broken bedsprings.

Thanks CES! Heh heh!

Would another option be to have a secret signal between the two of you? Something that isn't obviously sexual at all, but that when you do it means "run over here, scoop me up and throw me on the bed"?

That way you're not out of your comfort zone with a saucy wink and a grab of a buttock, but you're communicating clearly that you want him.

I think the textual initiations are a great idea though, so you may not need mine.

catholicism is VERY mysogynistic. I was brought up in a catholic household. Believe me if you flipped the genders around a priest would never tell a man to DTD just because his wife wanted him to.

Mens needs matter. Womens dont. One of the reasons why i havent practised this religion for almost 23 years.

Misogynistic and let's not forget 'hypocritical'.

YY Cogito. Absolutely.

Asking my partner when I am getting dressed what clothes he would like to see on, and off, me usually works!

has he got access to porn whislt away?

Of course he has, he works on an oil rig/ship

"Believe me if you flipped the genders around a priest would never tell a man to DTD just because his wife wanted him to."

I think 1 Corinthians is very clear that both husband and wife are responsible for satisfying one another's needs. It certainly not just something for wives to do.

biblehub.com/nlt/1_corinthians/7.htm

You don't actually have to initiate sex in order to initiate it - a cuddle and a kiss in bed usually leads to more here!

Last year for dp's birthday I sent him some sexy pics (not naked but in sexy underwear) and that evening I was in charge. He bloody loved it and still has this pic that he 'uses' when he's away.

The trouble is Dino with the mysogyny in society people tend to interpret religion to suit their own agenda.

Most religion is women hating. If Catholicism wasnt woman hating there would have been no such thing as the Magdalene laundries.

And in a marriage where sex and/or affection has waned it is often the women who are expected to put up and shut up if ending those side of things is the choice of the male in the partnership.

Look at the slut shaming that happens to women in the press nearly every day.