If you found out someone had (secretly) recorded videos of you naked when you were a teen...

[RealityCheckRequired]

... How would you feel?

I have recently discovered that a man who worked at a youth club I attended has been arrested. Apparently he secretly recorded women and girls changing and showering in the changing rooms. This went on for years.

I don't know if I was filmed, too, and I will never find out (police have decided not to ID all the women in the recordings), but just the thought that I might have been filmed is making me fell... well... quite uncomfortable. I seem to be in the minority though. People I have spoken to (not many, for obvious reasons) are dealing with it much better than I am: They just shrug and don't seem to bothered by the whole thing. Someone even said to me "I didn't think you were the sort of person who would let a thing like this get to them".

The whole thing is making me doubt myself. I am a very happy adult and I certainly don't feel distraught by the discovery, but it does make me feel a little ill to be honest. And if it were my daughter who had been filmed... Well, I would go mental!

My husband (who is disgusted by the discovery) says I am thinking about it too much, that I have no control over what happened, and that I should let it go and stop torturing myself by reading about the case etc.

I guess he is right, but this is easier said than done!

How would you feel if you were in this situation? Any advice appreciated.

I think your reaction is normal. Your privacy has potentially been violated. Can you ask the police for their advice? The people you have spoken to, were they have been filmed too?

Thank you for your reply. Yes, the people I have spoken to may have been filmed too. They seem a little shocked ("Oh my god what a pervert!") but not much else.

Sorry posted too soon. The friends/ family who say they are surprised you are bothered, did they go to the same youth club? Ie are they in the same position as you?

Well first off I'm so sorry you've had this horrible revelation made to you, other peoples reactions are just that - other peoples.

How long has it been since you've heard the news? It sounds like you're still in a degree of shock.

Have you been in touch with the police yourself? They may be able to point you to specialist counselling if you feel that could help.

Putting things like this in a box to just will them to go away tends to manifest itself in other ways, is there anyone apart from your husband that you can talk this through objectively with?

Personally, I'd hope I'd be dealing with this just like you are, why on earth people would feel your privacy being violated is a brush off is beyond me.

It's been quite recent Time.

The case bothers me not just from a personal perspective, but the Youth Club's attitude towards the case angers me, too. They knew for years he acted inappropriately towards some of the girls (and they implemented some half-hearted measurements to stop him) but they never fired him or reported him. In fact when he left our Youth Club he started work at a neighbouring Youth Club and continued his disgusting habit there. My Youth Club never thought to warn his new employer clearly!

To me this (and also the responses I have had from people) somehow seem symptomatic of a society where it is normal for women to be "used", and that when this happens women should just forget about it and move on. But maybe I am just an angry feminist, confusing my political opinions with my personal role in this case!

It honesty wouldn't bother me.

However, that doesn't mean that you should feel the same way.

Being judged for feeling either way isn't nice.

Chipping, may I ask out of interest why it wouldn't bother you? I'm hoping to adapt your attitude!

RCR - how do you know they knew? Did you know at the time? The fact they knew and didn't act on it is disgraceful.

Would you like to know for certain if you were taped or would you rather not know?

I would be very upset by that, it's horrible.

I think it would bother me. I certainly don't think you are being OTT. Is it worth calling the police and having a confidential chat? I'm sorry you are in this position, I really hope he gets a prison sentence.

I think it would bother me enormously. You were young and vulnerable, which with the benefit of hindsight/age, plus having a DD yourself, you can see. And why should you just shrug it off - there's a possibility that someone violated your privacy, and that is a big deal.

But you don't know, and you won't know, and the tapes will languish in a police evidence room (I assume) so no-one else will never know - is that a comfort?

Maybe by reading about the case you are giving yourself some control over it. Maybe you need that?

I'd feel a bit creepy about it initially - but then I'd be absolutely determined that a rat like that wouldn't be allowed to have a negative effect on my life in any way.

Chipping - I'm sorry if I was unclear: I'm quite certain the Club didn't know about his filming, but they did know about other inappropriate behaviours by him (I'm sorry I'm trying not to be to specific here), and they didn't act on that knowledge!

I guess I would rather not know whether I had been filmed or not (because if I knew for certain I had been filmed I would feel worse I guess!). The police are not going to ID the girls in the tapes because they think it would be more upsetting for the girls (many more people would have to study the tapes etc.). I guess I can understand that.

ajandjjmum YES! This is what I feel like! I don't want a horrible man like that to have any effect on my life! And I think that if I give it a place and move on, what I'm saying is "Fuck you! You can't touch me!!!".

That's how I want to deal with the situation and I think I will manage that. However I was caught off-guard when I found out about it, and I guess I now feel silly about that.

I don't know how to explain it really, but I'll try.

It's just a body, my outer casing. It's not 'who' I am. I would hate someone to read my diaries much more.

I was a bit self conscious in my younger teens, but looking back I shouldn't have been and I'd swap in a heart beat :) ...but much more confident in my older teens.

If someone wants to look at my body - so what? I got ill quite a few years ago and I'm very overweight now, I would be less comfortable with people seeing me naked now, but it still wouldn't make me feel violated. It's only a body.

However, I totally 'get' how you feel, because if it was done to a child I'd be livid and I am angry on your behalf because it is upsetting you.

I don't think it's 'right' or 'acceptable' I'm not saying that, not at all, just that it wouldn't bother me, if it was me.

I am still disgusted that they knew he was acting inappropriately and didn't act on it. I would actually be more fucked off with them, than him.

I can understand the police making that decision - but it's tough on the girls that would rather know. But either way some people wont get the decision they want, so this way is 'least harm' I think.

Why on earth do you feel silly? No need to! x

(also, how old are you?)

My son had a scout leader who did the same. We were told that unless my son had been filmed then we wouldn't see the film, perhaps that's why you are not getting to see it. Don't let this ruin your life, it's not worth it. By the way the youth club were out of order.

I think I'd have to adopt a fairly philosophical view on something like this tbh. Nothing has actually changed really apart from you now know it's a possibility. In reality it's a possibility for everyone who ever changed in a public place. You now know that it happened in a place where you may have been targeted. Would you feel better/worse if you'd found out it was a local swimming baths? Is it the fact that you were young or in a place that you should have been safe that bothers you?

For me I think I'd feel a pretty sickened about him but wouldn't see how the news changed much. If he had filmed me it would have been "out there" for years without actually having an affect on my life iyswim? For context it happened at a local gym I used, no idea if I was targeted or not. Of course I was an adult and I totally accept that changes things.

Thank you all for your kind and considered replies, I very much value your input.

Chipping I totally agree, I am more fucked off with the Club than with him!
TooMuch that's an interesting way of looking at it. And it is certainly true that it hasn't affected me all these years (that I didn't know), so I won't let it now! (I'm early thirties by the way).

So I think it's onwards and upwards for me!

Thanks again everyone, it's been really valuable for me to see a range of different experiences and opinions on the matter.

Have a little mantra - any time a half thought threatens to enter your mind, say 'Fuck off you little ***, I'm have a great life thanks!'

I don't know if I was filmed, too, and I will never find out (police have decided not to ID all the women in the recordings), but just the thought that I might have been filmed is making me fell... well... quite uncomfortable. I seem to be in the minority though.

I'm not recommending this but you should know that it is an option for you to see a lawyer specialised in media/privacy work and make an application to the police to find out if you were filmed.

This is how all these celebs found out they'd been phone hacked.

It could put your mind at rest if nothing else.