Very down, hurt and confused.

[Celestria]

I finished with my partner of eighteen months yesterday. There is a big back story but it's safe to sum it up as a disaster from start to finish. I loved him very very much though and thought we could make it work.

I had a call from his mum that was really nasty.

I'm just utterly defeated today. He was meant to be moving in this weekend. I recently got a new house and we had been decorating. Once again I let myself believe we would be okay.

I've lost most of my family because I outed my abuser and most stood by him. Now I've lost my fiancé and my plans for the future. I have so few people in my life I'm actually starting to believe I'm just a really shit person. But I couldn't stay in such an emotionally damaging relationship anymore.

I guess I am really disillusioned over all. I have four children and work, I've been through a huge amount of stuff. But I'm getting really worn out with how stressful life is. I had this image of us all as a happy family and life being settled and secure. I'm actually feeling pretty devastated that won't happen now. I have a house that looks like a building site and I have full time work. I've never decorated before and don't even know what I'm doing. Just really sad that things have worked out this way.

Can I ask why you finished? And what did his mother say?

You will find someone worthy one day OP. And if not, who really needs a man anyway? Crack on with the DIY, I'm sure it will be a learning curve for you.

Are you near to any of the B&Q stores in this link

www.diy.com/services/you-can-do-it/

Sorry you're so down. Yes it might be nice to have someone in your life completing your family but it can never be at any price. So you've done the right thing - again - and if others don't want to support you, they're not worth a candle.

Good luck

Its a long story. I'll try keep it short. We got off to a good start but he has had jealousy issues and also insecurity about our age gap. Which has led to him randomly splitting up with me usually after drinking and usually out of the blue.

I was having a bad time in the new year and had a breakdown. I was very unwell. My family blamed him and said he was emotionally abusive. They also believed he was involved with drugs. He takes them from time to timewe got through that and for a while things were good. Then his mother became unwell and his uncle died. He had a lot of stress at work and last month randomly finished with me again. About a wee later he took an overdose. He was then admitted to hospital for two weeks.

I've stood by him and tried to support him. But Friday night he went to see an old friend and walked in on a funeral for his friends dad. He decided to stay out there. I received calls throughout the night and he was still awake by six. Clock Saturday morning. I knew he had to have been taking drugs. I know by his pattern and he can never stay up like that without them. I then had a missed call from his friend as I was sleeping.

When I woke up I was worried as his friend had tried to call. I couldn't get an answer so left it. But by early evening I had still heard nothing.

Knowing he isn't in a good frame of mind just now and also getting established on antidepressants I was really worried about him. Eventually I called the police to see if he had been arrested. The hospital to see if he had an accident. I text him mum to see if he had come home. But nothing.

During the night he was drinking on one of his phone calls he told me a lassie had been trying to chat him up. The following evening as in last night whilst I was so worried I got a text from an unknown number just saying, he is mine now.

Later that evening I actually phoned his mum and she told me he had come home but was very hungover and in his bed.

I was relieved he was okay but also really hurt that he couldn't have text me and really upset with the fact he had hit the drink and drugs whilst in the early stages of treatment for his breakdown. I just reached the point when I thought I couldn't do it anymore.

I text his mum to say I wasn't trying to involve her in anything but that last time we split he took an overdose and I wanted to make sure she knew what was happening so she could keep an eye on him.

She then called me and said a lot of stuff. That I acted all nice but then split with him. That he was at a funeral and I was being selfish. That I did this at his uncles funeral. He went missing for two days after his uncles funeral.
She said that my family made up a load of lies about him and that I came crawling back to him once my breakdown crisis was over. That I had told him to take an overdose which I got very upset about as that's rubbish and I've lost a brother to suicide. That if I was being supportive I wouldn't let him drink. Finally she said I wasn't welcome in her house and to fuck off.

He sounds like a nightmare, you don't need this is your life. Your children don't need any of this in their lives either as they grow up. You have done the right thing, he seems to love the drama and the stress and that will take its toll on your mental health. I bet you won't feel nearly so stressed without him and your own mental health will improve rapidly.

How would you find time to wade through all this shit when you work and have 4 dc to look after ?

Keep him banned. You don't need all this, and your kids certainly do not

*binned

I don't feel anywhere near as stressed I do admit that. I could never totally relax because no matter how well we were getting on, I never knew when id next wake up to a text from him saying we are over.

I really fell for him though. Stupid heart. I thought we were both damaged but we understood each other and could make things work. I just couldn't keep feeling we had turned a corner and then go ten steps back again.

Christ Almighty, step away from the "damaged" people in future

Your kids don't need that in their life. Sort your own self out if you think there are issues there. But FGS, don't bring somebody else's into your life too.

I was really really hurt by what his mother had to say. In her eyes he has been nothing but supportive of me etc and I've taken him for a ride. Which hurts because it's been the other way round.

My mum said to me last night that he was making an utter fool out of me. That I've been unbelievably patient with him. I guess I wasn't ready to walk away before. I am now though. Just sad and very hurt that somehow I've become the bad guy.

Who cares if they think you are the "bad guy"

get on with your life knowing that you had the strength to walk away before it got worse

AF my own issues were to do with childhood things and I dealt with them with counselling during and after the breakdown. But when I met him I was not well.

And now you have done the right thing, so Well Done to you.

Ignore any pressure to make you the Bad Guy.

I don't know what to do with his stuff. He has a toolbox here he uses for his work. And various other bits and pieces.

Ignore his mother. She'd be on his side even if he'd been found over your dead body holding a smoking gun. Your mother seems to have it about right.

A quick text saying that his toolbox will be on the doorstep Monday morning is all you need provide. Incredible that you've experienced all that you describe in just 18 months!

I've sent him a text about his things and immediately blocked his number again. I don't want any sort of contact with him. I'm really tired tonight and have been crying a fair bit. Come the morning though no more tears. I didn't want to finish with him. But one of us had to do it.

Put his stuff in a bin bag and leave it outside.Do not txt him ever again.Look after yourself and your kids and have nothing ever again to do with this waste of space or his family.

Yes, one of you had to do it. And obviously you are the Grown Up one. It sucks, but there it is.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking tonight. Which is probably a bad thing.

I put up with a lot because i was so happy in day to day life. It's going to sound really pathetic but I loved having someone in my life. Loved cooking nice dinners and them being appreciated. Loved watching films and documentaries. Having someone to talk to and not feel alone in doing my best to cope with everything. I put up with the fall outs because the weeks in between I was happy. Content.

I'm so sad that is gone now. I don't need someone to be in my life, I've got myself through some really horrendous things. But I do want someone.

I have my lovely children and they were so excited that we were going to be a family. I'm gutted for them and really annoyed at myself for not protecting them. They have never seen the bad side of our relationship and they think the world of my ex.

I'm just so sad that I came so close to what I wanted. And let myself keep believing it could happen even when in reality we should have been over in the first couple of months.

I have some lessons I need to be learning from all this.

Cook nice things for you and your dc

Watch films with your dc

Look after yourself first, every thing else will follow

And do the Freedom Programme

No man is better than a substandard one

My poor dc are delighted we only have a microwave to cook with at the moment. They dont yet appreciate things like Chinese style braised beef.

I've called in sick today. Probably going to be fired. I've only been in the job a month and have had two weeks off in that time plus today.

The house I was given was a council house. When I moved in last week it was full of problems. I've had electricians, plumbers, joiners, gas engineers, maintenance officers and all sorts around. I had to take time off as there was just no way I could manage all that in the new house plus clear out of my temporary flat. They don't give you notice. Just call you and say here's the keys be out of the other place by such and such.

Today it's my sons birthday and I don't have a single present for him yet. I stupidly lost my card on Friday and it's a new account. I didn't realise the bank was shut all weekend. I need to go in today and get cash out so I can get him something.

Christ what is his mother all about. Ignore it. His own family will always side with him so there's nothing you can do about that.

Your own family flagged up the abuse though so that's great, and shows you too have a team on your side. Use this all you can as you move on from this awful car crash of a relationship.