Such a difficult decision to make

[CrispsAreFruit]

I've nc for this as I'm worried about being outed.

I've been with my P (not married) for nearly 2years, its been a mixed 2years. We separated in Dec '13 and got back together in May '13, but I think it was a massive mistake to get back together. We now seem to do nothing but argue, P thinks this is normal, whereas it absolutely leaves me in pieces. Each time we argue P tells me to leave (his house, I sold mine and moved to his city - I pay him rent and gave him £3k to help with his mortgage arrears) and then the next day says he loves me and don't go. He says I'm not hard enough and am too sensitive. He has a 11yr son (I've no children) who stays with us 50% of the week and is a total Disney dad, to the extent that I daren't say anything remotely negative about his son or put forward an opinion about what his son does as I get a mouthful about not being supportive or am being selfish. I feel totally suppressed and don't see it getting any better.

After the last argument I decided I had to leave - but now P is back to being all sweetness and light and his son is here and I feel like I am the wicked witch of the west, I'm trying to hold it all together but really just want to curl up into a ball and cry. They've just gone out to walk the dog.

I'm still determined to leave but its is so difficult, my head is all over the place, deep down I know it will not work, that we are different people.

I'm determined to find somewhere nice to rent (luckily money not a problem at the moment - I'm not working but have savings - will need to go back to work soon) which could take a while, and I'm not sure if I can mentally survive in this house - I'm not sure whether to return back to the small town which I didn't like but there is comfort in the known and it is near my parents, or, to stay in P's city where there are more job opp's and I like the city but don't really know anyone.

I've looked in both areas and have just found a house I like in the city but its not available until next month and its just round the corner from P (which isn't great) and I just don't know if I can survive in the same house as P for a month and I'm just not sure if staying in the city is the best thing to do.

P's house is very small, there's no space to breath, no where to go and be quiet or get away from each other. I feel lost and little and pointless.

Can you get to a B&B or a family/friend's for a month?

One month is better than a whole lifetime though; but I'd try and find another place further away if it were me.

thanks for your help Funky.

family/friend's is unfortunately not an option - I stayed at my parents the last time we sperated, but it was tricky and I don't think either of us want to repeat it, even for a week! No other relatives. No friends with a spare room either sadly.

B&B is an option but is a little pricey (£ is limited) and could be soulless.

There back from walking the dog now - have to sign off.

If I were in your position with a bit of money and no job, then I would take all my things to my mum's house and I'd go away for a month on my own to think about where I'd like to live and to work.

I certainly wouldn't be looking at houses around the corner from that bloke! No way. The choice isn't between your mum's town and the city you're in now - you could go anywhere, presumably?

What sort of holidays do you like? Do you enjoy travel? You could buy an inter-rail card and travel around Europe for a month. You could spend a month in Greece, somewhere beautiful and quiet, where you could think about your future. Just do something for yourself, something you'll really enjoy. Come back with a tan and a good idea of how you want to live the rest of your life. You could have a fantastic time if you just let yourself realise you are not limited in the way you live your life.

Oh OK, just seen that your money is limited. Having said that, it's term time and there are lots of holiday cottages which are cheap at the moment as they can't get bookings.

oooo yes, what about a holiday cottage? Even B&B would be up for a deal on a month, I reckon! What's important is that you leave asap. I can sort of feel you desperate to be gone right this minute. Do it. Even Travelodge might do a deal ... and think about what Imperial said. You could go anywhere!

Hi op

I thought holiday as well, 4 weeks in Spain out off season, store your stuff at your families, then fly out you don't even have to tell him where your going.

You may find the lack of an income is a problem for renting, unless you can cover six months' rent up front.

Time to get back to work I think (why aren't you working currently?). I would certainly take some time out to get your head together and then find a flatshare somewhere where you can stay whilst you job hunt and establish yourself.

Do not even remotely consider a place near this guy. The fact you are unable to leave despite the highly dysfunctional nature of this relationship, the fact you've gone back to him once already, suggests your self-esteem has taken a real battering from his behaviour and you will remain susceptible to his crap until you can build it back up again and see what we all see clearly.

Do yourself a massive favour and just get the fuck away from this man.

Some holiday places will do fab rates for b&b, go to the coast and have a lovely holiday until a suitable place comes up.

If I was you I would look for a house share maybe on Gumtree in your home town.

No point hanging around any longer IMO.

Thanks everyone - especially Imperial and Trib.

I'm such an idiot - i'm sitting in the back garden listening to P and his son chatting about football inside, thinking maybe it will be okay ! What a fool i am to myself. I know it will not be okay. I know i need to get away, but i'm so scared and confused. So pathetic. I just need to do it, he will never change. He's just so very nice when he wants to be, and it fools me everytime into thinking that perhaps this time it'll be different.

Moving my stuff to parents is doable - i suppose i've been trying to keep them out of this, but the reality is that i need their help again. I feel a bit humiliated that at 44 i'm running home to m&dad for the second time in a year. I'm seeing them tomorriw for lunch - i may put a few things in the car! Start the process and see how i feel about it. A lot of my stuff is packed and ready to move after the last arguement when we both agreed to split, then 12hrs later he did the 'don't go' routine.

You are living with someone very unpleasant. I really hope you realise you deserve better and get out and never go back.

GO. This is not a normal relationship. In a normal relationship you enjoy each other's company, interest each other, support each other, LIKE each other. Doesn't mean there are never any arguments but there should not be many.

waste no more time. Sadly he's breeding another like him but there's nothing you can do about that.

I was just looking on direct [[http://www.ownersdirect.co.uk/accommodation/p8015333]] and they have apartments there to rent for 195€ a week. I'm sure you could do a deal to rent an apartment for a month at a good rate. That would just leave you with flights.

However, I wouldn't be looking at renting a place round the corner from your current partner. You need to put a bit of space between you.

It seems like you have accepted that this just isn't going to work. Question now is how do you leave. I'm sure that if you speak to your parents they wouldn't want to be in a relationship that makes you so unhappy and would be willing to help, even if it is just to stay for a few days or keep your stuff there. I wish you luck.

Go please! You're not happy, you'll never be satisfied.

My own feeling is that if the job-opportunities are better where you are then that is where you should base yourself for the time being. There's nothing to say that you can't change your mind after a bit if that's what you decide.

Once you have a job then getting some accommodation will be easier. Most tenancies are offered on a six-month basis, so even if you have a job and accommodation sorted you're not committed for the long-term. Is there any way that you could start your job-hunt being based at your parents?

Moving to live around the corner from where your current partner lives is a VERY BAD IDEA! Better to go where he won't bump into your or find you if he wants to start looking.

You don't have kids to worry about.

You don't have a job to worry about.

You don't have any ties....

Just go my love. Do something fun/interesting/energising.

Have a good declutter, take the rest to your parents and go somewhere!!

Gumtree is great for work/travel opportunities.

I've done THIS a few times, it's great fun. All you need to be able to do is speak english fluently :)

You could still get a job with a ski company for the season - also great fun!

What are you scared of? You sound much younger in your posts, so I'm surprised to hear you are in fact in your prime (which is how I think of one's 40s anyway!). You must have lived on your own before, had relationships end before?

Why not put your stuff in storage if you don't want to involve your parents?

You realise, I hope, that all people who seek to exploit the good nature of the people they live with alternate 'good' days and bad. This is because almost no-one would hang around if it was all bad. The good days don't indicate that he could actually be a good person, they're just there to keep you on the hook, convinced there is hope.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to take some time later and read and digest your reply's. Your right when you say my self esteem is at rock bottom and this relationship isn't normal. I've said this myself to P and the response was your the one who's not normal, its healthy to argue, to have an opinion. But he has so many opinions on everything! One person (who i'd only just met) did ask me how i put up with him as he can be so unnecessarily antagonistic on the smallest of things. He makes me feel so petty.

You know you're not obliged to have a good reason to end the relationship? Just 'this isn't making me happy, and so I am leaving' is quite sufficient. You are perfectly entitled to not want to argue and you don't owe him anything. In fact he owes you three grand! However, let it go and try to hang on to the fact that you deserve to be happy. This is never going to make you happy.

thanks everyone

itsfab - I've often thought to myself that I don't actually like P and asked myself why am I here, but I've continued to stay like an idiot!

Trib - you are so right, this relationship isn't making me happy, and hasn't for such a long time. I should have learnt from the first time round. And the good day / bad day thing is so very him, and I have been convinced there has been hope for so long now - even writing this I'm still thinking perhaps there is hope.

I have lived on my own before and had relationships end before - I'd hoped that this relationship would work and I'm disappointed in myself that I've failed, again.

I think my self esteem has taken such a battering that I can't imagine anything but sadness from living on my own. Which is rubbish I know.

have to go again, sorry

But you live with sadness now. And worse: false hope. You're living with someone who is actively working to make you unhappy - you can end that.

The end of a relationship isn't a failure - and how have you failed? Is your sense of self-worth defined by being in a relationship, even one which itself is destroying it?

You can do better for yourself than this.