how to tell him I want to move out?

[pickleme]

I've been living with dp for 6 months now in a city he has lived all of his life - I moved here for him.

I'm starting to realise that I probably shouldn't have moved in with him so quickly (I know, I know). We have had silly arguments about things that shouldn't be happening so early on in our relationship (we've only been together a year).

I would like to move out, maybe into a shared house where I can meet people and make my own friends (other than his friends and people I know through work I don't know many people in the area). Ideally I would do this and the time we do spend together will be proper quality time. We've kind of fallen into a pattern of staying in watching films, not really doing anything very interesting.

However, I'm not sure how to tell him without him feeling hurt or taking this as a break-up. Any advice? We are both early 30s. At the moment, I'm living in the flat he owns with him - losing the rent I pay wouldn't be a big issue for him - he could easily afford to live on his own or could get a lodger.

You've tried living together and it's not for you, he's not for you. You are in your early 30s. End the relationship and move on don't waste time on it

Even if you moved out and made your own circle of friends you know what living with him will be like.

Are you SURE you still want to be with him? There's plenty of ways to make friends and break a rut without moving out.

If you don't enjoy living with him now, why do you think you will in future?

What sorts of things have you been arguing about?

To be blunt, if you are early 30s and have any thought of maybe having kids, don't waste the next two years moving out, seeing how things go, moving back in, finding out the same problems are there, etc.

I think it's very very hard to ever move forward again in a relationship after you've taken a step backwards like this.

Thanks for the replies.

pippin no - I'm not 100% sure. That's why I would like to take a step back and try dating again. My (very possibly misguided) thinking is that if we moved in together again in the future we would each have our own lives rather than me trying to build mine while living in each others pockets at the same time.

Looking at other ways to make the friends is another possible solution. I'm a little shy but seem to have no problems gradually making friends in situations where I spend a lot of time with people (i.e. at work, living with people)

You can't really reverse the decision to move towns and move in with this man without ending the relationship I think. It's odd you want to go back to house shares when you are in your early 30s....maybe you simply weren't ready to move in with someone/anyone.

You will be dependant on this man until you are settled in and making new friends at work/ clubs/sports teams etc. You can do that whilst living with him.

You need to separate whether you really want to be with this man from normal moving to a new city woes.

wildbill I don't want to go back to house shares. It would be necessary if I didn't live with him (technically I could rent my own flat but would not be able to afford to put away any savings each month).

You are all right of course - the sad probability is that a break up is going to be the outcome. We didn't really plan to move in together - I was going to stay with him short term but then stayed (joint decision).

Maybe what I really need is the strength to get out into the world on my own when all friends my age are settling down and getting married.

I don't believe you can step back within relationships, once you're in you're in.

If you go back to dating and then move in again, the same pattern will repeat and you will have wasted another year.

If you want kids OP you need to make some smart choices.

Fwiw I met my French husband when he had been living and working in London for a year. I had lived in London all my life. His social life was his work colleagues and the friends he had made thus far. He had plenty of friends back in France, but obviously he couldn't see them all the time, and when he met me he didn't want to keep hopping back to Paris at weekends. He was more dependent on me for a social life than he would have been if he had lived here longer. Even so it made no difference, he's very sociable and outgoing and got on really well with all my friends, and made new friends himself. We've both got a wide range of interests, and we rarely stayed in to watch films, we don't even do it now much. When we did move in together, after we'd been together a year, although it was 18 months after we first met, the discrepancy didn't occur to me tbh.

If a relationship works it works. If you're having arguments living together, then stepping back and dating is not going to make any difference.

Either make living together work, or accept it doesn't work and move on.

If you want to meet people and make new friends, then start going out and doing that, join hobby or sport based clubs, social groups, volunteering etc. If you're not happy with the lack of exciting dates with your boyfriend, then talk about it and start planning the kinds of things you want to be getting up to rather than staying in and watching films.

But if actually it's just that the relationship isn't working out for you, then you probably need to end it. What have the arguments been about? There is a lot of humdrum mundane stuff when you live with someone, but in the right relationship it's just not an issue.

FWIW if a similar thing was suggested to me by a partner, I'd be breaking up with them, I wouldn't be hanging around to see if they liked me better if we didn't live together.