I don't know how I'm going to cope...

[Levismum]

I told dp to leave last night.
15 years & 4 dc. It's been breaking down for the last 5 years but neither of us were brave enough to admit it or deal with it. I posted the other day asking why i would not or could not force him to leave.

I told him last night to leave. I told him i want him to leave by Friday. He's off work this week. Is that fair? He will need to find somewhere as he has no family & only 1 friend in London.

It's all so awkward today. I feel so sad, really down. I hate what I've become. I regret my decisions so much. I'm 42. A single parent in a council house with 4 kids. Zero prospects...bloody depressing.

How will I get through this week?
I'm worried how dp will cope on his own I'm worried how I will cope.

I don't know what to do anymore, it's all a big mess.

I know it sounds so trite and easy for me to say, but you will be fine.

You know the strength that meant you were able to ask him to leave? That's the strength that will get you through.

What I did was give myself a few weeks of keeping my head down and just getting through it (my children's schools were great). Then I recognised all the things that were great about me and made an action plan.

I can't even tell you how much better my life is now.

So sorry to read your post, your sadness comes through, what a terrible time for you all. It seems fair that you have asked him to leave, and incredibly brave. You've obviously (both?) been trying to hold it together for 5 years, something had to give and now it's out in the open. You will get through this week, because you've got through the last 5 years. Also, with the routines that accompany having 4 children you will just go from minute to minute, hour to hour etc and you'll get there.

The fact that you are worried about your dp being on his own is, hopefully, a positive thing. By this I mean there is still concern and respect between the two of you, which should help you deal with what is to come. It is literally heartbreaking when the life you hoped for falls apart, whatever the reason. The pain of the next few days/weeks/months is unfortunately the price of your brave decision to make a better life for all of you - you, your partner and your children. Sending you all hope and best wishes.

Aww sweetheart.
Listen.
Spend as much time out of the house this week as poss.
If needs be, help him pack by gathering stuff and bagging it.
Don't be drawn into conversations if you can help it.
If it's a bad job, it is always better to make an end of it soon and not to go back.
Then, what about your new life?
What courses can you save up for?
What 16 hour per week job can you start doing?
Four kids? Four beautiful little souls to bring up and love.
42? Old enough to take thyself in hand and make some serious plans for the future.
Body, health, home, career, social life, new hobbies, goals?

Just avoid him and don't be dragged backward. Look to the future xxx

I won't have a new life. Just this life without dp but that's good as he's like an extra child. I have to instruct him to do anything or else he will sit in the living room all day on the lap top or watching TV.

Our ds is severely autistic. Younger ds being assessed for ASD currently. I had a good career but dp wouldn't share care. After 4 childminders I realised noone could cope with ds1. I was forced to resign when ds1 was excluded from school. He's now in a Special School. Ds2 only goes to school part time. He's 6. Will hopefully have a diagnosis within this school year. Even when I get them both in school I will have the problem of holidays.

I'm exhausted as they both have disturbed sleep patterns. Both boys are really struggling at school. Both bring restrainedon regular basis. Younger ds is sent home at least once/twice a week.

No restpite for younger child as he isn't diagnosed. Just accessed restpite for older ds but he gets exhausted & often refuses to go out with the carer.

I wish to god I had never had the dc. It was the worst decision of my life. Moving to this house was also a disaster. 11 years we've been here & i paid for everything.
I'm well & truly stuck. Asking dp to leave is massive as i will literally be totally on my own but i would rather that, then deal with him any more.

Shit that's heavy no doubt about it. So sorry to hear about your sons. But yes at least life will be easier without him to have to carry.

But look, nothing lasts forever. Everything seems to be a stage as fas as I can see, and stages pass. Your sons will grow, time will pass.

Hope you feel a bit better soon xxx massive hug x

Hug from me also. Will ex take the kids a night a week or so? Could you ask home start for help? Things will get better.

I don't know about Home start. I think it's more about helping families with younger dc. My boys with SN are 6&9. He doesn't have anywhere to go yet. It will probably be a bedsit or room in a house as we're in London & he earns a very low wage.
He will probably take the girls out but he can't cope with the boys do i doubt he'll have any of them over night. He's not particularly interested. Not hands on. He's making a massive effort today. Bathed 1 of the dc & took 3 of them park for an hour... he was off work for 2 months over the summer & never took them anywhere.

I doubt he'll be of much help but he might surprise me

Just checked back to see how you were doing after my earlier post. Hope my comments didn't come across as trite in light of the situation with your two sons. So sorry you're all facing such challenges in your lives, my comment about your routines with 4 children must have sounded a bit hollow.

Is there anywhere else on Mumsnet that you could share your concerns with/seek advice from,other parents of children with sn? Hopefully somebody else on this thread has some experience they could share.

Glad to hear your partner was surprisingly helpful yesterday. D'you think that now he's being forced into having a different perspective on your family life he might actually step up and take more responsibility for the dc ? I know leopards don't change their spots, but could this be a wake up call for him, not about your relationship but about what your children, and therefore, you, need him to be doing ?

Hope today hasn't been as bad as you feared, hang on in there.

Try not to worry about how your DP will cope, he's a big boy now and will have to sort himself out. He might fuck things up to begin with but he needs to sort everything out for himself. You have yourself and the kids to worry about and that is more than enough to deal with.

As for you and how you'll cope, you really will be fine. It may take time and it will be scary at first but it will come together for you.

I left my XH at 37, had a year at home with the kids, went to college and graduated at Uni this summer. It has been mental but I now have a good job doing something that I love, the kids are settled and everything is coming together for me aged 40. 42 is not so different, you can do whatever you want to do. It might be hard but where there's a will there';s a way.

Best of luck!

Aw things will get better. I think you should try homestart though. There are a lot of people who will be lovely and help you and you are bringing something to their lives also. I used to babysit an autistic boy and it was challenging but rewarding. Reach out. There are good people who will help you xx

I don't have much to add, but it's ok not to have all the answers right now. Sounds like you've just made one big improvement to your lives, and that's enough for this month! Get your breath back, spend some time working out what 'this life without dip' actually looks out, and then You can start to think about what comes next.

You definitely need to make sure you're getting all the support that's available to you, whether it's financial, or respite care, or even just a bit of moral support from your local carers' network.

It's a bit if a mixed blessing, but at 42, you've got another 26 years before you hit state pension age... Even if you can't do it now, there's plenty of time to resurrect your career, or find something even better!

You've got one child fewer to be responsible for. Life's looking up!

You've got a lot on your plate but in the middle of all of this you have made a huge and extremely sensible decision. This means that you are very STRONG!

I admire you. I honestly think you're going to be fine.