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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

constantly put down

13 replies

hadenoughyetagain · 05/10/2014 12:15

ive noticed a thread within my marriage. we have always had ups and downs but recently i guess the penny has dropped that he constantly belittles me. Over the years ive heard the following: your working class, i would never have married you if i met you in my own country (again class based), your a girl from X (again a reference to the fact that im from an economically deprived area of the uk), you have no passion, you dont do anything for me and yesterday im more educated than you, i had a better education than you etc, etc. I really cant carry on this way. The man is a total tool. I mean no one in my life has mad reference to where I am from because its just a place in the uk its not at all notorious. Its just like most normal towns. do you think he has to belittle me to make himself look better. I am no shrinking violet and i travelled a lot before i met him. He is a silver spoon mummy and daddy type whereas obviously i am not. i think its the only thing he has to say against me but this morning i was so hurt by the reference. because noone speaks to me that way and i have lived away for more of my life than ive lived there yet according to him it defines me. i tear up easily when i think that he thinks that way about me and he can belittle me and knock me like that. i think i thought we were past all this, we had grown up a bit and worked on our marriage but this this morning has shook me to the core. i cant see where we can go from here. its here he doesnt respect me.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 05/10/2014 12:18

Sounds horrible, next time he comes out with his barbed comments just reply "well you're the nobber that married me" and just ignore him. Then start making plans on leaving him...

seasavage · 05/10/2014 12:51

I think your answer is "and you're not good enough for me" because he isn't he is a nasty judgemental hollow shell of a person.

something2say · 05/10/2014 13:05

Yes it speaks volumes about his world view.
And it may be that his world view is not respected by you.
Or many of us it seems....!!!

What are you thinking to do next?

Quitelikely · 05/10/2014 13:47

And you say yes and knowing all of those facts you still choose to marry me! But now mr wanker I've had enough of you so eff the eff off!

I never swear on here but.........

Twinklestein · 05/10/2014 13:54

He's clearly very insecure and he makes himself feel better by constantly undermining you.

If you're too low class (wtaf?), have no passion, don't do anything for him, why is he with you?

More to the point why on earth are you with a man who talks to you like this? Who has no respect for you, doesn't even appear to like you. (Altho' don't take that personally I suspect he doesn't like women in general).

I would tell him to bugger off and find someone better. It wouldn't be hard.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/10/2014 14:00

do you think he has to belittle me to make himself look better

Yes. Pathetic, isn't it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2014 16:39

I really don't like bullies. To me, someone who constantly belittles another person is just that - a bully. It's deliberate, condescending, hurtful and designed to crush the spirit. There's a concept that goes with it which is 'predatory self esteem'. People so inadequate that the only way they can feel good about themselves is if someone else is feeling bad.

Does he ever praise your achievements? Support your ambitions? Show you appreciation?

Jux · 05/10/2014 18:11

He sounds seriously horrid. You don't need him.

RedRoom · 05/10/2014 18:44

It really is about time that you told him that, actually, he is the one that is nowhere near good enough for you. You can definitely do better than him!

hadenoughyetagain · 06/10/2014 10:25

thanks ladies that realisation is settling in on a daily basis i dont know why ive stayed with him so long for so little in return. thanks

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2014 10:30

Often, when there is nothing coming back the other way, the reasons for staying with someone are more internal..... low confidence, low self-esteem, fear of loneliness, fear of financial problems, romantic ideas about keeping families together at all costs, misplaced optimism that someone will drop the behaviour of their own accord given time... Strip away all the trivia, be honest with yourself, and you will be able to work out what it is that has kept you there.

Jan45 · 06/10/2014 12:53

He is seriously verbally abusing you, don't stay around for any more of it, what a sad pathetic excuse for a human being he is.

Hissy · 06/10/2014 19:55

can you tell us here, what you'd like to say back to him?

would that help?v

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