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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating advice

25 replies

Ships99 · 05/10/2014 07:57

Hi. Met somebody online. He works away for a month and then home for a month. Messaged a lot while he was away.... Can't wait to meet you etc etc
Met for a lovely date when he got back.. Lovely meal, drinks, ended the night with a kiss....,
Met a second time and we had sex..... Passionate and enjoyable sex.....

And now he isn't messaging much at all.....
It's so obvious it's cringeworthy....
We've arranged to see each other on Monday.....

I don't know whether I'm more annoyed with myself for having sex on a second date.... Or that I am annoyed that I'm bothered by the lack of messaging... When I shouldn't be.

Don't know why I'm posting on here but I thought id get some opinions.... Harsh or not!

OP posts:

CatKisser · 05/10/2014 08:06

DON'T feel bad for having sex on the second date - if you're happy and find someone attractive, what's the problem? If he's the type of wanker who then sees you as "an easy shag" and therefore not girlfriend material, he's to be avoided like the plague anyway.
So, you've arranged to meet up on Monday but he's not messaging much? Is he talking at all or he's he done a vanishing act?

FolkGirl · 05/10/2014 08:06

Are you sure he's really working away?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2014 08:07

If you're not happy about being ignored since you had sex with him, why meet for another date? Have you said you're annoyed?

FolkGirl · 05/10/2014 08:09

Yeah and don't feel bad for having sex on a first date. A decent man wouldn't care.

Fastcargirl · 05/10/2014 08:10

There is no right or wrong time to have sex. Unfortunately you can't predict the reaction of the other person post sex until you actually had it whether that's date 1 or date 23. It's you who is important here, not him. Whatever he is thinking let him think away. What is relevant is that he hasn't contacted you much after sex and you feel cringeworthy. Decide to meet him if you want on Monday but also decide whether you really want that kind of contact and if you don't take the actions you want. This has nothing to do with your performance, your naked body or anything you have said or done.

FolkGirl · 05/10/2014 08:11

Second date. Sorry.

Must have been projecting!

peasandlove · 05/10/2014 08:15

The only problem with having sex on the 2nd date is you may find that was all he was after and not hear from him again.

Cabrinha · 05/10/2014 08:19

That's not a problem though peas - better to find that out after date 2 than 7!
As long as you are happy with second date sex, do it.
He sounds like he's not into you though, sorry.

Original poster

Ships99 · 05/10/2014 08:32

What shall I do about Monday? My current plan is to keep no contact and just forget it.

OP posts:

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 05/10/2014 08:39

Are you texting him a lot and getting one line replies much later?

I would be a bit more elusive and busy tbh. I know that's game playing but I find that works better for me. However if he is the type who enjoys the chase and after he gets what he wanted goes cold, he's not worth a third date.

I would honestly stop texting and plan something else for Monday. Something nice. Don't second guess why and don't let this affect your self esteem. Easier said than done though!

Original poster

Ships99 · 05/10/2014 08:45

I sent a message Friday night and one message Saturday. I'm not going to message any more and I don't sent loads of messages if he's not online to read them.
I feel more bothered that he hasn't messaged me since Friday than not seeing him again! Lol

My mate said I'm overthinking things and he will be busy with stuff to do....

I'm not expecting to be a number 1 priority for him, but to be thought of and be sent a message isn't too much to ask! Lol

But my gut instinct is usually right..... I think my online dating bullshit radar needs fine tuning and no more sex on first or second dates for me! Lol
You live and learn!

OP posts:

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 05/10/2014 08:55

I'm sorry. I read a book called The Rules when I started to date after divorce. It is game playing but I did find it helpful to weed out the idiots. I didn't do everything it suggested but it helped.

BeeVic · 05/10/2014 09:06

You say you met him online, a dating site?

Original poster

Ships99 · 05/10/2014 09:43

Yeah, a dating site! Lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Ships99 · 05/10/2014 18:20

He messaged today with "good morning. How's you? X"

OP posts:

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 05/10/2014 18:38

Hmmm what did you do?

I'd wait awhile before replying. Seems odd he ignored both other messages.

Original poster

Ships99 · 05/10/2014 20:47

I replied at tea time saying how really busy I've been.

He hasn't been back online since he sent the message (on whatsapp)

(And I've planning stuff for tomorrow after work! Lol)

OP posts:

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 05/10/2014 22:17

Good plan...

Original poster

Ships99 · 08/10/2014 11:38

He texted Monday and we went for a meal. Chatted loads and went for a walk. I thought it was lovely. Got back to mine, had coffee and cuddled but he said he was exhausted and went home at 10pm. Just a little kids before he left. He said he had been out drinking all weekend (Fri, Sat and Sun nights) and was knackered.
I'm disappointed in him that he isn't making an effort. He's like a 21 year old lad who has never grown up! Lol
Not the one for me I'm afraid! Lol

OP posts:

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 08/10/2014 13:37

Yeah I think you've made the right choice there. He should be making more of an effort in the early days. And drinking all weekend would put me off too.

peasandlove · 08/10/2014 20:00

Me too.

Original poster

Ships99 · 11/10/2014 00:56

Got a message tonight that he has been working all week and had no internet when out. He's in the pub with his mates and he is going to speak to me tomorrow....

Thing is. I'm out tomorrow. And I'm not listening anymore!
No more taking poor effort from a man.... I've done that for 14 years and no longer! Lol

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 11/10/2014 01:08

Ah dont bother. It's tolerable to have someone being a bit shit if you're just in it for a bit of company and sex but if you're looking for a relationship he sounds like hard work and not keen enough. And immature (the drinking thing).

peasandlove · 11/10/2014 01:17

I agree, if spending the weekends drinking with your/his mates is not your thing, then he's probably not right for you.
Not much point in pursuing it

CheersMedea · 11/10/2014 20:10

Met somebody online. He works away for a month and then home for a month. Messaged a lot while he was away..

Ditto the "are you sure he's working away" comment above.

If you meet someone online, they come with no context - no mutual friends, nothing. You need to be sure he is actually working away.

I'm away for month could = I am married and need someone who fits in with my obligations so a quick reason why I'm not around a lot is I work away for a month.

I have an acquaintance who started dating a guy OLD. Early on she spent the night at his house and was constantly saying " he can't be married, I spent the night at his house". Turned out he was married and the couple had a massive house in the country where the wife was often to be found with the children.

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