My bloody parents

[callamia]

I think it's time to try and work through this, and I'd appreciate some help. I'll try to give as full a story as possible, so this may turn out to be long.

My parents live together, are still married, but they can't stand each other. This has been a problem since I was a child. They have fought, verbally and sometimes physically; they sulk, bitch, and seem to now enjoy hurting each other. It's miserable.

My father was unfaithful when I was growing up. He is the product of an abusive father, and he often follows that same behaviour. As an adult, I can understand this, and I do feel slightly sorry for him. However, my sibling and I were often hit and emotionally beaten down. My parents have written a largely different history - they imagine that their disagreements were nothing to do with us, so we shouldn't have ever been upset by them. Everyone knows this is bollocks, but I think it makes them feel ok about it.

I have my own child with my own husband. He is as different from my father as I could wish for. Next week, my child has a birthday. My mother will be away (another thread of its own - I don't know what she's honestly doing) and my father is sulking about it and is currently ignoring everyone, including me. Ordinarily, I'd let him get on with it, but we will be in the same town over my child's birthday, and it makes me sad that he's too pig-headed and selfish to see us.

I'm considering telling them all to get stuffed. I can manage their idiocies, but I will not have them upsetting my child. I'm disappointed that it's coming to this - they can be nice people, and good grandparents - they are not completely awful. I'd be sad if I never spoke to them again. I'm just fed up of dealing with this selfish and hurtful behaviour, the rewriting of history, and the thirty-something years of fighting.

Of course I've told them this, countless times, but they're selectively deaf to it. I wish they'd just split up, but they seem to have taken co-dependency to the level of an art-form. Nothing I say has any effect on them in the longer-term.

I don't know what I want, I just need to work through it a bit. I don't think there's an easy answer, but I'm increasingly angry with them and I want to think about it carefully before I decide what to do.

Its difficult isn't it but I think protecting your child from becoming part of their abusive behaviour is your main priority now.

I agree entirely. They're adults, and I can't change what they do. There no way I'd let them upset my child. He's still way to young to realise, but I'd have no hesitation in making them leave my house if they decided to row in front if him.

I think you've got a pretty good handle on the situation already. I don't think there's much to work through. You already know they won't change and you know you don't want to repeat their pattern, subject your child to their 'antics', or sit around and watch their 'train wreck' lives.

Will they leave you and yours out of their shit? Apparently not if dear dad is subjecting everyone to the sulks because he's pissed off at your mum.

If it were me, I think I'd keep contact to a bare minimum at least for now. I'd also make it clear that I don't want to get involved in their spats and rows, I don't even want to hear about it. And if they can't be decent to each other in my presence, then I would not be around them. I'd expect nothing from them as far as family doings, and I'd give nothing either. In short, I'd subject them to a minor 'freeze out' in the same way you treat a child's tantrum. It won't change them, but it may make them behave better in front of you (and your child). I could live with that IF they were good grandparents to my children.

Thanks, I think that's about it. I was just after some outside perspective. I've grown up with this, I know it's unreasonable, but I've no idea what to actually do. I'll carry on.

Sounds like dh's parents. Used to bicker and bully each other. Totally embarrassing.
His dad wanted to divorce her but as a good Catholic, she refused.
We cut down visits to just one afternoon a year as it became intolerable.

It sounds to me like there's no need to never speak to them again (unless that's what you want for yourself- that's a perfectly valid wish) but that you're best off keeping them at arms' length.

I also think that you're best of making sure your child knows not to rely on them. Easiest way to do that is to make sure you don't see them often.

They sound a sad couple.

if you stopped making the effort, what would happen?

if they wouldn't bother, then leave it at that. they don't enhance the existence or life of anyone they know.

they are too toxic for you.

they are therefore WAY too toxic for your child.

Reduce contact so that you don't know that DF is sulking or that DM is away.

Say, 3 weeks before the bday phone/email to say it's DDs bday then. And that's all you do.

Avoid any conversation where they can whinge about what is wrong with their partner/life.

Carry on your life and if they want to come along and participate they can let you know when they are calling in.

Not that easy really but don't get embroiled in their issues.