Passive DP - is there any hope or is this it?

[TheBug]

DP is passive. I don't think passive-aggressive, just straight up passive. To others he's laid back and easy going but it's impossible to live with.

He rarely does what he says he will do on time, seemingly relying on nagging and reminding and chasing for motivation.

Sharing how I approach tasks and planning and organisation doesn't seem to help. He's an intelligent professional so I can't understand why I'd need to in the first place, or why it never helps.

It's been suggested that I let him get on with it and take the consequences, but I can't see how that won't come back on me and the DC in the end so it feels too much of a risk.

I resent the role I'm having to take on; I feel frustrated and fed up every day. It's destroying what's left of our relationship and I don't feel like I am myself anymore. Almost like there is no self left.

On a practical level, our family projects aren't happening and I see no resolution.

Has anybody ever got to a better place from somewhere similar, without just cutting their losses and walking away?

I'm in a very similar situation. It's incredibly frustrating. I asked dp to separate tonight...

Similar with my DP. No answers but has been a really shitty time. Massive lightbulb moment when I realised he did not take responsibility for anything, I did the consequences thing, was the only way. He will realise - took my DP 2 weeks!

Went to Relate for 6 sessions and wish we could afford more.He is slipping back

Maybe he's not laid-back, perhaps he just doesn't give a shit because it's all too much effort.

I'd leave if I could, I think. Is that an option for you, Levis?

DP's way of not doing things, over a period of years has us painted into a corner. Logistically, I can't see a way to leave, and I think I'm depressed because I can only just manage to keep the bare minimum done for the DC (and myself if there's any resource left over). It's difficult to see where the energy to up and go would come from.

Sure, I wonder if he simply doesn't care about us but it seems at odds with the gentle, kind, trustworthy man I loved. I don't know if I love him any more.

That's brave, issy. I worry too much what might happen. We had a very close call last year when we nearly lost a significant amount of money because he was less than thorough. To be fair, he really impressed me how he stepped up and got it sorted, but you can't live life on the edge like that all the time.

And yes to the slipping back. For every small temporary gain something else goes out of the window.

My ex is very passive.
Now he has to pick up pieces after himself nothing improved ( he used to say I am 'nagging' him and was 'always ranting').
He was allowed to behave like that and be a 'golden boy" in his family. His mother and his aunts spoiled him and let him develop his bad habits.

Ever heard the expression.. 'why bark when you have a dog'? I think you're the dog. I don't know what these family projects are but he has no motivation to do anything all the time he knows you'll pick up the slack. He knows it bothers you more than it bothers him so he just has to wait and it magically gets done. So don't nag, plead or cajole and don't do the project yourself. Tell him what needs to happen, give him the deadline, outline the consequences of it not happening and then let him get on with it. If it doesn't happen by the deadline, follow through on the consequences. Like a performance review

I absolutely felt/feel like I manage him. Or parent him. Whichever, it is not sexy .

I had to do the natural consequences thing because I could not go on parenting him as a fourth child. The relationship was all wrong, and as long as I was remembering and reminding and organising, he was gonna let me. I had to see what he would do. And he did sort it out to a degree, but it is not fixed. I want my children to grow up able to take responsibility for themselves and they have to have role models who show them how.

Yes, some of the consequences were missed appts, lots of lateness, forgotten things, money spent twice, but they are the consequences of his action or inaction, no one else's.

I have no solutions, but it was part of the process of me stepping back and working out what I want, who I am, and so on.

Just do what you need to do with the kids and let him wallow in his own bollocks. And if that means moving out, then so be it.

I'm in a similar position - sadly, I have to offer a note of caution with the "natural consequences" approach. Mine left something financial slip to the extent that we started hearing from a debt collection agency. It wasn't a question of him having run up massive debts that we couldn't afford - but he had sat on his hands over paying something that we could afford. The money was set aside, and all it needed was some simple admin. As I hadn't been chasing him or checking up, I didn't know that it needed doing.

That's the part I can't understand about the whole thing. Obviously if it's something like housework/gardening/DIY, and you don't "nag" or do it yourself, then you end up with a leaky shower or an untidy lawn. Annoying, but not a huge deal. But an unpaid bill which we could afford: a job of five minutes still not done after being repeatedly chased - not by naggy old me, but by credit control and then debt collectors - is something I still haven't got over. I see that you've come close to losing a lot of money through your dp's inaction as well, so I understand why you might not have enough trust just to leave him to it. I wish I could offer solutions but I'm reading this thread with interest. Good luck.

I have a list of things I take some responsibility for in our household. It runs to a couple of pages long. For him, I can I can only think of two things. I haven't shown it to him yet, trying to think of the right way to so it. I asked him to pack for the dcs going to gps last weekend. I even gave him a list of what I normally packed. He managed some of it, but one child went with two pairs of pyjamas and no change of clothes whatsoever. No great negative consequences came of it, I imagine he doesn't see what the problem is. I otoh have a big problem with taking a child home on a Saturday wearing some of his school uniform Hoping for some ideas from this thread!

I don't mean 'natural consequences' and letting things run on unchecked into an unholy mess.I mean setting the task, laying out the expectations and stating the consequences of failure. Gives the person parameters to work within & the responsibility to get on with it as they see fit.... knowing the implications of messing up

This is what killed my marriage. So frustrating.

But he's not allowed to be passive at work, is he? He has to do the job or get the sack. How is it he can be active at work but not at home?

I delegated all the food shopping, planning & cooking to dh after sharing it didn't work.

It took a few months for him to get the hang of it but he did. Of course eating is something essential which does help

I would read 'wifework' and understand what is really going on.

My dh is passive through fear of getting things wrong so at least he was willing to try and take one stuff. I do feel that I get all the more responsible stuff to sort out but we are at least heading in the right direction.

I have also learnt to not criticise his efforts if the results aren't as good as mine!

Just wanted to say I'm still here but it's been a busy day; I've read and will come back tomorrow and reply properly.

I very much appreciate you all having taken the time to post on this thread. Last Monday, I reached an all-time low about this, everything felt so bleak. It helps to tell the truth here because, in order to cope day to day, I have to pretend my life is OK and I think I have myself half fooled too. It's not OK. Feeling like I bear the ultimate responsibility for preventing chaos and possibly averting catastrophe is wearing me down.