Really confused

[Bluewedgeshoes]

Hi everyone long term lurker first time poster in need of some advice.
I have been married for 3 years together for 10 with 2 DS age 5 and 6. My 6 year old was very unwell as a baby and has some ongoing health needs and very challenging behaviour.
We both really struggle with how to manage his behaviour and it does add a lot of stress to the whole household. Today DH completely lost it over ds not finishing his lunch. Ds spat out his chicken and got very worked up about not wanting it. DH started shouting at him to finish ds ran round to me so DH got up dragged him back to his chair took the handful of spat out food and pushed it in his mouth then hit him over the head. Ds was sobbing my other ds was crying and curling up on his chair. I got up and told DH to get out and calm down.

Where do I go from here? He is a good man who works hard, helps out round the house, cooks, doesn't go out drinking. Our relationship is not great, we are both exhausted. We both really love each other though and remember life before it was complicated by a child with extra needs.

I know and he knows it was not ok how he behaved today and if he did that to me I would be out like a shot so why is it ok for me to stay when he did that to our child. On the other hand ds is extremely difficult to parent and would test the patience of the calmest people.
I couldn't cope with ds alone.

Help!

Where do you go? Straight to the police. That is abuse and assault.

I feel for you both. It must be so hard if your continually under strain, not to snap at some point. I would treat this as a red flag - a warning that it is important that you both get some space. Is it possible for example for once a month you/DH get a day off? For example one Saturday a month, you manage the kids alone/he does same for you? Or perhaps family have the kids and you spend a day together? Do either of you get any down time from
all this stress? You need to think of ways to let off steam - ? Exercise ? Swim etc. I know what he did was wrong but he must be very stressed and I just feel for you so much. All the best. X

If your DH is struggling to deal with a challenging child he has to ask for help - urgently. And that has to come from him, not you. It's not enough for him to say that he knows what he did was wrong. Your DS would have been terrified by what happened. Your DH has to go to huge lengths to regain everyone's trust and he has to take the initiative.

First of all - please remember that you are both only human. Stress, pressure, etc is going to get to you and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

You both know it was not ok - but I have reached that breaking point myself and I know full well how difficult it can be to control. I think from here you agree that should he ever feel that level of uncontrollable emotion again that he simply has to leave the situation. As in, stand up and walk out until he's calmer. Nothing wrong with that.

And on another level it's clear that you are both finding the general situation very difficult. Perhaps different coping strategies are needed?

Much sympathy - Ive been there.

Thank you both for your replies.

I guess I'm thinking what you both are. One part of me says it was completely wrong get out now and protect the children from this happening again. The other part says I don't blame him for snapping. I have snapped aswell, just in different ways- I tend to shut myself away and cry.

We could make more of an effort to give each other a proper break he does go to the gym 5 times a week and I run. We have focussed on splitting the children up at weekends as my other ds does lots of extra curricular stuff but could focus more on giving each other a proper break. It's hard to know what's right.

In response to the last message I said to DH he is an adult and needs to recognise when he is getting that angry and leave. DH said he can't guarantee it won't happen again. He says he is an awful person who is not safe to be around. I think that's a bit dramatic and self absorbed though.

Cogito thanks for your message but what kind of help could he get?

If you were writing to say that your DH had behaved this way towards you, you would be being told to LTB and no matter what you did, you didn't deserve to be assaulted. Why, bwcause it's a child, are making suggestions for time and space for DH and counselling? ?? Surely, violence towards a child, CHILD, who has special needs is much worse and warrents equal amounts of LTB! ! A child is far more vulnerable than a fully grown adult and needs a parent to fight his corner and do what he can't do and leave.

I am horrified. Can't guarantee it won't happen again? He might as well say he knows damn well it will. Yes, he is an awful person who is not safe to be around.

Your son needs patience, not brutality.

Ok so more LTB and I totally get that. On my OP I said if it happened to me I would be leaving straight away.

I think the problem is I know how difficult ds is. I am not trying to justify his behaviour at all. It was wrong, he crossed the line. But it is a very difficult decision to do this alone. We have been together since we were 18 so actually have been together 12 years. Our finances are completely mixed. No separate money. Just scraping by with one house to support.

Thank you for giving me lots to think about

He is NOT a good man. Don't let the few positives that he has outweigh his awful behaviour.

I know that people cannot be defined by a single incident and I understand just how difficult it is to live with the stress of a child with additional needs.

BUT most people in your DPs situation would not react like he did. You wouldn't, I wouldn't and it says something about the person he is and his reaction to stress and perceived 'challenging behaviour'.

I'm not saying LTB because I know how frightening that can seem (and easy for someone on the internet to say) but I'm saying his behaviour is a warning which cannot be ignored or excused.

Take care and really think about what happened and what YOU want to happen now.

So, if he did it to you it would not be OK, but because he did it to a child, it is? It is more OK?

You are meant to protect your son. That is a large part of being a parent. And yet, when something happens - which, by your own admission, would not be acceptable if it were done to you - to your boy, you say it's all right, he probably deserved it, it was his own fault?

Your thinking is skewed. Sorry, op, but that is so awful.

Why is your sons behaviour so challenging ? It is always always the adults responsibility to provide unconditional love . Never ever force a child to do something . Just leave it. Does it really matter? Your dh is seeing your sons behaviour as a battle to be won. It will only get worse and go into a downward spiral. This child needs reassurance to be autonomous then his behaviour will improve.

He is bullying a child.

My dcs used to eat as much as they wanted as it's their choice . If they then as babies put the bowl on their heads so what ? This is about power and control and it's wrong.

It does look like your dh is fighting a war, rather than bringing up a child. We all know that you achieve more with patience, tolerance, understanding and love, than you do through fear, belligerence or force.

Does your dh do this sort of thing at other times too?

That is a horribly violent and humiliating way to treat a child. If it's not good enough for you, you shouldn't accept it being done to your son.

I got hit by my mother a lot, I still remember it very vividly and resent her massively for it. There is no excuse, it's a vile thing to do and I couldn't live with someone who did it once, let alone someone who said he can't guarantee he won't do it again. It's giving him carte blanche to continue to abuse your son because he thinks it's a natural reaction and therefore justified.