How to broach the 'divorce' conversation

[LalaDipsey]

Hi everyone. I and ExH separated 18 months ago after his behaviour became untenable. I won't go into the reasons, they're nothing new, emotional abuse etc. however, since he finally moved out we have settled into this strange relationship whereas he comes to see the children once a week for a couple of hours, with me present, either at home, the cinema or the park and we all get on as this strange pseudo family which kind of works as the children are still young (dd 5, DTs 2.5) and I won't let him see dc on his own.
However I still struggle, probably from the years of EA, with rocking the boat and telling him I want a divorce. All the old feelings of worry, terror, sickness at upsetting him start to rise up in me. I don't see him without the children, we don't communicate during the week, how do I raise this? He has been good financially since he moved out and has paid required maintenance. Anyone who has tackled an EA, alcoholic ex to discuss divorce please advise me!

I sent a text message saying I'd started proceedings so watch out for the paperwork.

I was but then remembered what an arse he was and got over it.

I like your chutzpah, I kind of feel, though, that in order to move on I need to tell him face to face, to prove to me I can do that. And also, in a way, we were together almost 20yrs and despite his crappiness the last few years, we did have some great years together and I thinks he deserves to be told face to face. I just don't know how to do it, or how to get my courage up.

I'd suggest you write down what you want to say, pick your moment and then say it. These things are rarely as bad in reality as they are in your head. If you write down the words it helps avoid you forgetting what you want to say.

Are you anticipating a bad reaction? Aggression?

Thanks, I don't know what his reaction will be. I think he could get angry. I don't know.

Hey there, wondered if you could wait out another six months? That way you can file for 'two years separation'. The biggest plus of this approach is that it is 'no fault'.

If you want to file before that time, you have to file either for adultery (not so easy to prove) or Unreasonable Behaviour. The latter two are obviously a 'fault' based divorce, so if it's likely to lead to worse behaviour from your TBXH then you might want to think about the 2 years as an option.

Can you text him to say you would like to talk about the future, and make an arrangement to phone him/email him so that he is given advanced warning that a difficult conversation is required.

You could start by saying that you are comfortable now that you've established a new routine with each other and the children, stress you don't want to change that, but you feel that you should now formalise the breakdown in your relationship. It doesn't mean anything has to change, but you could offer him the opportunity to divorce you for UB if he wanted,

And I know what you're thinking: But I'm not the unreasonable one.

It doesn't matter. You can be 'unreasonable' for not being an alcoholic!

or just ask him if he would give consent to '2 years separation' divorce approach in six months time.

This way, he feels like he's in control and making the decisions.

Try to focus on the advantages to him if you can, not your reasons for wanting a divorce (if he's a control freak). Make a commitment to him to be as agreeable as possible (e.g. no legal letters, no threats of 'taking him to the cleaners', if you're happy with arrangements now etc).

The key thing is that he might not like you making such a big decision, but if he gets legal advice, almost certainly he will be told 'try to do everything to keep the other party calm and agreeable'. He will definitely be told he cannot prevent you divorcing him so the sooner he comes to accept that, the better.

Whether or not he takes that advice is down to him. However, if he decides to get difficult, do remember that you do have recourse to the CSA (I know it's renamed now) and also to an UB divorce approach yourself.

Usually given time to calm down, people do and want to avoid having more stress in their lives so give him a bit of space to do this.

I imagine it is a very difficult conversation to have, but it's going to be difficult regardless of whether you have it this week, this month or in the next century. Be prepared for some reaction, but don't lose sight of the goal you have set.

Thanks, that is really helpful. My solicitor recommends I broach it with him now, with the aim of sorting the financials over the next 6 months so that we can get an easy no fault divorce in 6 months time, knowing that if he won't play ball with revealing financials I then have a 'secret weapon' of saying that then I can initiate divorce on the grounds of UB which will be less pleasant. Therefore good to start the conversations now if that makes sense?

Yes, definitely worth starting that conversation now to give him time to adjust that it's coming.

It doesn't need to be rushed because ideally a 2 year separation is a much easier divorce to live with for both parties.

Take care.