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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am a horrible person in relationships

31 replies

steps2change · 04/10/2014 16:25

It's only recently that I have seen the pattern. I am literally the needy controlling one that all you MNers warn others about.

3 longterm (ish) relationships.

High school boyfriend. Nothing particularly serious but used to see each other every other weekend and one night in the week. If anything came up on these scheduled times e.g. a party he wanted to go to, I would kick up stink - it's our time together, you have every other day and night to see mates. Avoided meeting any of his new friends when we both went to different colleges. Ended it after 3 years - can't remember what reason I gave but he adored me and I was a bitch.

University boyfriend. Met him in the first couple of weeks as we lived in the same halls. Latched on to him like a limpet. Spent a bit of time with his friends, but this got less as time went on and it became more specifically me-and-him time. He was going to move in with 3 girl friends of his, signed the contract for the house, and I managed to talk him out of it to live with me and a couple of our mutual friends, leaving his 3 friends high and dry and he pretty much lost those friendships. When we lived together we both did see our own friends, but I would tend to try to orchestrate this so it would be on the same night. Avoided meeting his family. Spent 90% of our free time together, and even if I didn't kick up a fuss I still struggled if he went out to spend time with other people for some reason. Ended it after 3 and a half years - got bored. Again he went to the end of the earth for me and I was a bitch.

Current relationship. 3 years in. Long distance. Old enough to not kick up stink but still have this weird possessive nature - expect to have some kind of text conversation / call every night, if he has someone staying over will often stay up late so that I can speak to him when he is free, generally feel unsettled and anxious if I know he is out with other people or at home with guests, even though I wouldn't be with him anyway as it is long distance. Many arguments about arrangements to see each other. He is away this weekend with friends. He likes to tell me all about it but I find it hard to listen to - jealous I guess. We said we wouldn't speak until he got back on Monday - but I got drunk last night and text him at around 2am to test the waters and see what he was up to. Also have a weird anxiety thing regarding if I text him and then don't get a text back for many hours - will spend all of those hours feeling anxious and invariably not focussing on what I am meant to be doing in my own life. Prefer to agree on no contact at all when I know he is definitely busy or with company, otherwise I will wait to see if he will contact me and be disappointed if not.

A lot of the recent relationship stuff is just "feelings" that I struggle with. It does sometimes spill over into behaviour but not as much as it used to (current bf wouldn't take all of my previous shit!)

But I feel a shitty person, feel like I have some kind of personality disorder or something. I just want to be normal and have a happy healthy relationship. Sorry for the essay but it has only recently dawned on me that I have had the same issues right from being a teenager.

Advice? Self awareness helps a little in terms of not reacting to things, but it doesn't stop my internal anxiety / upset.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2014 16:33

It could be a personality disorder or, more likely, it's insecurity that's making you behave in a possessive and controlling way. You are probably capable of having a happy and healthy relationship but it will mean increasing your own confidence and self-esteem first. Right now you pin all your self-esteem on someone else's reaction .... and that's not fair on them and it's not letting you develop as a person.

How old are you now and what's the longest consecutive period in your adult life that you have spent being single/independent?

TheHoneyBadger · 04/10/2014 16:39

do you actually love this guy? there is little mention of your feelings FOR the other in your post - more about the cold transaction or deal of a 'relationship'. do you love him? do you want to be with him? do you actually want to be in a couple situation/have children/settle down etc?

Quitelikely · 04/10/2014 16:40

I think you need help from a professional.

Well done for realising.

Original poster
steps2change · 04/10/2014 16:48

I'm 29. Longest period without a relationship - 3 years, between boyfriend 1 and 2.

I do love him. The previous 2 relationships - I might have done at the start, or loved the attention or having someone around. The second is still a very good friend (surprisingly). I think the fact that I do properly love this guy and want a life with him is why I have realised my problems and want to fix them - I want him to be happy and have a life with all sorts of people and things in it that make him happy, not to be manipulated into giving all that up.

I am not sure where to go. This isn't a thing for my GP is it? Should I look at private counselling? I don't even know who with or with what type of counsellor or therapist.

OP posts:
seasavage · 04/10/2014 16:57

Your GP might be able to refer you. In the meantime try to identify your thought processes when going from you've sent a text to becoming anxious about not having a reply. Try to have a day without the phone there, practice being present for your friends / your own life.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2014 16:58

You can't change feelings. You can only understand them and work around them.... which is what you're already doing. Counsellors can only suggest techniques. They can't eliminate anxiety or make you less clingy.

Maybe a long-distance relationship is not right for you?

Original poster
steps2change · 04/10/2014 17:12

I did ring Relate one evening a few weeks ago and had a half hour chat to see if it would be the right kind of thing. But the counsellor kept sympathising with me or trying to make me be less negative about myself. I couldn't convince her that what I was saying was the truth - that I was not exaggerating or just being down about myself. I have behaved as badly as I say I have.

In a way long distance might help - I physically can't see him most of the time, so I can practise trying to manage my feelings when we can't text / phone / skype or when he goes away with friends or family.

I sometimes wonder if I am trying to recreate my parents' relationship - mum stayed at home, would chat with other mums at the school gate but no social life of her own really and was happy that way, dad went to work and came home in the evening, and that was it. No evenings out for either of them, no friends or family coming to visit. They were happy with it. But I don't think the majority of people want a relationship like that.

OP posts:
MadameLeBean · 04/10/2014 17:25

OP I am the same and having counselling to increase my self esteem and focus more on myself - a man should not be the centre of your life. I think because my mum always put everyone else first and ran round after my dad that's what I subconsciously think is normal (he left after 25yrs for a woman my age so that also makes me expect to be left/cheated on) so constantly on guard for signs of it... Starting to get a bit better now I feel I like myself more and am proud of myself .. Also to believe if someone DOES let you down that it doesn't reflect badly on YOU

punygod · 04/10/2014 17:32

Google 'anxious preoccupied attachment style.'

Also try reading a book called 'Bad Boyfriends.'

You sound nice, very self aware and honest. It's not all bad news Wink

MadameLeBean · 04/10/2014 17:38

I think I am anxious preoccupied and my partner is dismissive avoidant - both insecure.

Original poster
steps2change · 04/10/2014 17:40

How have I not heard of that before? That describes me to a tee.

OP posts:
punygod · 04/10/2014 17:42

Me too, and my STBXH was avoidant. It was a match made in hell.

punygod · 04/10/2014 17:42

Me too, and my STBXH was avoidant. It was a match made in hell.

MadameLeBean · 04/10/2014 17:44

Oh dear, maybe we ARE doomed. Both getting therapy though (separately). It's just so difficult to empathise with the other persons behaviour if you are so opposite in your way of dealing with insecurity

punygod · 04/10/2014 17:46

Sorry for multiple posts.

I think what happens with anxious preoccupied/avoidant pairings is that the anxious partner pushes for intimacy and reassurance, which forces the avoidant further into their shell, which makes the anxious partner push harder... It's a vicious circle.

New DP is secure, and it's a revelation. He gives me all the reassurance I need. Also, knowledge is power. I know why I'm freaking out now, so I can talk myself down a bit.

punygod · 04/10/2014 17:48

I didn't mean to condemn your relationship, MadamLeBean!

The very fact that your partner is getting counselling puts him streets ahead of my ex!

Believe me, we had greater problems than attachment style...lazy, feckless, boring, pompous arse that he was

punygod · 04/10/2014 17:49

Strikeout fail Blush

Original poster
steps2change · 04/10/2014 17:52

Think DP is secure too... I don't know, struggling to find a match for him that fits as well as anxious preoccupied does for me. Obviously it isn't the be-all and end-all but as you say punygod it is a useful framework for thinking about things. I suppose what I was hoping for was some kind of label or reason for my behaviour - I genuinely looked up all the personality disorders but none fit with me as well as the anxious preoccupied thing.

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 04/10/2014 18:02

I used to be like this OP. I'm not now and have been trying to figure out why.

I had a few years of being single, which helped me appreciate who I was, what I wanted etc.

I then had a long distance relationship, which allowed me to have a life of my own a lot of the time and meant it was completely impractical to have a meltdown whenever they went out without me. Once we moved in together I'd already established myself as "normal" (or at least not possessive, clingy or insecure) so I just kept that up in a kind of fake-it-until-you-make-it way. And now I'm really relaxed about things.

I'm not sure if this is much help, but it is possible to change.

punygod · 04/10/2014 18:02

There's a quiz, which I used to diagnose myself, then made DP do it Blush

Hang on, I'll find you the link. See if you can get your DP to play along Wink

punygod · 04/10/2014 18:05

Look for S Chris Fraley attachment style online diagnosis.

Morrigu · 04/10/2014 18:15

I can genuinely say I have been similar in the past, looking back at previous behaviour can make me cringe a bit.

Becoming aware of your behaviour is the first big step you have taken. What worked for me was being on my own for a few years doing my own thing. A lot of it boiled down for me personally was insecurity and the fact I'm a total control freak. Once I learnt to let go and realise not everything is in my control, I seem to have lost that unpleasant streak. CBT helped with anxiety issues.

Interesting about family history. My own mum hates my dad doing things without her so possibly it is learned behaviour also.

Original poster
steps2change · 04/10/2014 18:17

Thanks curtains - hoping a bit of insight into my problems plus long distance might work in my favour then. Well done you anyway.

And thanks again punygod - have downloaded the book to have a read between now and when I next see DP, then can hopefully have a chat with him about the way I am / have been and how we can move forward as a couple. I know he gets completely bemused by my reactions at times, so this could be just the ticket.

OP posts:
punygod · 04/10/2014 18:20

Glad to help!

The fact that you are looking to yourself shows you're not a 'horrible person'.

Good luck!

MadameLeBean · 04/10/2014 18:39

Thanks punygod, really helpful to read that stuff and "understand"! Makes so much sense. Yes dp has not been self aware until recently which is helping loads (I however have known for a while I was doing this unhealthy pattern) and he really wants us to work in a healthier way so fingers crossed although I don't think people can really change their deeply ingrained "default "habits, self awareness and communication can help, as can both partners improving their self esteem (seems like even the dismissive avoidant type has hidden self esteem issues). If they get loads of attention from a preoccupied type they never need to ask for intimacy and risk rejection