Am I being over sensitive?

[Thomcat]

I am a bit sensitive I know so...

A friend of mine was looking after DD2 for me while I worked. I knew it wasn't going to last long and sure enough after a couple of months she came back from a 3 week holiday and told me straight way she didn't want to / couldn't have DD for me anymore. Totally fine. I found a wonderful childminder the very same day and one I know through a friend etc so was delighted.
New Childminder said she could start the next day. I said let me ask friend incase she's relying on money or wants 1 more week with DD2. Rang her she said no that's fine. So that was that. I didn't pick up the phone to friend as I thought in the back of my mind she'd ring me later in the week to check in and see how DD2 was doing. She didn't and I felt slightly irritated, for want of a better word. It was then a case of me thinking 'oh, can't believe you haven't rung me, right well I'm not going to ring, let's see how long it takes for you to call me.'
That was 3 weeks ago now.

She also didn't bother getting me a birthday card back in August, even though for her birthday I got her a card, a voucher for a massage and some flowers. And yes she knew it was my birthday, we had conversations about it and when discussing the fact that DP didn't get me a present I said 'and you, you didn't get me a card' and she said 'oh I've been stuck in'. She walks to the shops every day and the day after my birthday I saw her and she was walking into our local shopping area.

Her husband did some work for us and laid a patio and sun terrace that went down the side entrance and round by our front door. He gave us a quote and when the invoice came in it was for £1,250 MORE than the quote. We had a conversation with him and went through it bit by bit and came to a mutually agreeable fair amount. He seemed happy. Or so I thought.

Perhaps they feel pissed off that they didn't get more money out of us and feel hard done by. But over £1k more than the quote was unreasonable. And he didn't supply 1 receipt for anything, even though I asked before the job started, and reminded him, and her throughtout, and after he'd finished. He also said he'd have it done in no time, he'd be up to us after work, at weekends etc and actually it took about 3 months, the whole of the summer basically.

I just feel quite annoyed with the fact that she hasn't picked up the phone. She used to ring me loads. I know it's childish but I now don't want to ring her, feel I've got nothing to say to her and she can bugger off.

Am I being really, really silly and overly sensitive.
Or do you think she is off with me cos of questioning the invoice and that's why she hasn't bothered to check in with me and also see how the child she was caring for is getting on with new childminder?

don't mix business with pleasure! I don't know what she could be thinking but despite all the birthday stuff, I would have thought she would want to know how your dd is getting on at the CM. Don't really know how to advise, it's a sticky situation.

Oh I've SO learned my lesson re mixing pleasure with business, never, ever again, ever, ever, ever.

But I think it's off that she hasn't botehred to check in on DD.
Personally I think 'stuff her'.

I think so too, but didn't want to say so!

Awkward when you have friends doing work for you. Might she feel awkward that the 'work' arrangements haven't gone exactly to plan - she stopped looking after dd2, her dh went over his quote and then took longer than he said to finish. She might be worried you're fed up with her.

The birthday is hurtful, particularly not to drop you a 'sorry it's late' card (I forget birthdays too but I always get a card there in the end...), but it's not the end of the world if none of the rest of it was going on. And v odd not to check how dd was getting on.

Yeah I could easily get over the card thing but the poatio was like Wembly Staium, well over budget and well behind schedule. We were really nice about it and kept saying 'look we need to be fair here, the most important thing is that there is no bad feeling on either side, this is what we propose but you must say if you feel unhappy in the slightest. ' and so on.

But to blank my birthday after this and then give up DD and not ring for 3 weeks since she last had her, I think it's really off.

But I am a sensitive moo so needed to know if you thought I was being silly. Nice to hear I'm not being massivley pathetic.

Not pathetic at all, to be honest I think they're taking the p*ss a bit, would he have gone so over budget and not produced receipts for a normal punter? Or if she was employed as a child minder would she have dumped a mindee with such short notice? Don't think you're pathetic at all, better off without them.

Do you think she might be having this same converstion somewhere? "She rang me to say she'd found someone else to look after dd2 and since then nothing". Sometimes it's easy to let things build up and up. If you want to keep up the friendship you need to pick up the phone and make the forst move 'cos she's not going to. I wouldn't say "stuff her" just yet. It sounds like you used to be pretty close, and you liked her enough to let her look after dd. I reckon you should be the bigger person.

But not getting you a card was off.

I'd give her a ring, not mention anything controversial, just have a normal chat & see where you go from there. You wouldn't be posting if you weren't bothered about losing the friendship.

Agree with Sobernow. I'd call her, just a polite friendly call, saying 'thought you'd like to know how dd is getting on... she talks about you all the time but she's settled down really well at the new childminder'. Then if she's off with you, fine, you never have to speak to her again. But it would be a shame to lose a friendship when you don't actually know why she's not calling you.

You're right, she might be embarressed, hadn't thought of it like that.

Thing is I feel so.... irritated with her now that I'm not sure I could make the first move without sounding off with her.

If I ring then I have to make a massive effort to keep myself sounding upbeat and friendly.

But you're right, seems a shame and no harm in me being the bigger person.
Just hope she gets in there before me and rings before I have the chance, but i will ring and i'll take a massive deep breath and be nice.
Then if she's off or doesn't make the next move I'll leave her to get on with her life and not bother with her again tbh.

Thanks all.

TC, you have always struck me as someone who isn't afraid of having things out in the open. Why don't you just gear yourself up for it, phone her and tell her you get the impression she is a bit off with you and "am I being oversensitive?" (ha ha ha!) Btw i don't think you are being, but too much energy can be wasted second guessing someone. She may be a completely insensitive person and a not very good friend ... OR she may be going through something/troubles of her own, hence the not having DD2 anymore/forgetting your birthday, etc.

I got a bit upset a year ago cos I thought a friend was off with me and turned out she was really depressed and having trouble coping with her DD2 not sleeping at night and when we spoke about it I just wanted to hug her. Things aren't always as they seem.

Hi Pages, and yes you're right I'm very much like that but it's becasue I'm like that that I daren't ring just yet. I won't be able to hide that I'm annoyed, it's impossible for me to pretend like that. She'd know in an instant that I was a bit thing with her.
But you're righ, 2nd guessing someone is awful and she might have other stuff going on or she could be embarressed or she could just be a shit mate.
I think i might send a text saying 'though i'd let you know that ee is getting on well with the newchildminder, hope all is well your end, love TC'. What do you reckon?

Good idea and if she then doesn't respomd you will kmow something is up and you can just leave her to contact you.

Did it. Sent text. She know someone who knows my childminder so her text back said that she had been checking in on eve through this friend. That made me think, right she's definatley off with me to not have checked with me direct. Then a while later she knocked on the door as she walked past and said sorry she hadn't been in touch. I told her I thought I'd done something to upset her and that I was giving her space and that it was all linked to her DP finishing the doing the work and her stopping childminding for DD2. She laughed and siad no but I know there was a bit of an issue there but we seemed to have moved past it now, so all good. Thanks.

glad it's resolved tc.

Thank you, me too