How do you know if it's right and that you aren't just settling?

[spongiform]

I'm 26. I have had 2 past long term relationships, 3 years each. With both of those, I knew it wasn't forever (despite moving in with one of them) and that we weren't going to be together for life. I stayed with them for fun / companionship / stability etc.

Been with my current partner for 2 and a half years - love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and the thought of being without him is unbearable, but there are so many complications - he is 13 years older than me, has 3 kids fulltime, may or may not be able to father another child in the future, lives 3 and a half hours away and we are both currently unable / unwilling to move. Life with him means responsibility to 3 stepkids, restrictions on time as a couple, no more long haul holidays with a partner, and conflict between career time and new-found family time.

I feel like I am having a bit of an existential crisis lately - like I have suddenly realised that life isn't infinite, that I am getting older, that there must come a point where I stop dating Mr Right-for-now and try to find Mr Right.

How the hell do you know? I love the bones of this man - so I am certainly not settling where he is concerned - but I don't know if the lifestyle will be right for me. But the risk is huge - give up a man I adore and risk not finding that again, but finding the chance to do things "traditionally" i.e. not long distance, no kids involved, time to be a couple before being a family, learning to be parents together... or stay with him and risk looking back in 10 years and thinking I did things all wrong?

I know I'm a cowardy custard. Why is there no dry run at life?

You don't know. Nobody knows. Life is a series of calculated risks and judgements. Nothing is for certain. Having said that, just because you're 26 it doesn't mean that you have to settle for the bloke who happens to be nearest when the metaphorical music stops... :)

Suggest you talk to him about where you see your future, allow him to give you his vision, and try to work out if you both want the same thing. If children are important to you, for example, and he's had enough with three then that would be a roadblock.

You never know, but I'd say that if you think that you'll be "settling" then it probably means something is not right. Even through hard times I've never felt that I've just settled for dp.

It sounds like a really difficult life. It's hard enough when it's your own kids but at your young age it's not something that I'd be jumping and doing.

You are so young! The only way you'll know if it can work is if you live together.

You're only 26, you're not that old. I do know tons of people who suddenly got married or started having babies at 27 so I guess it is the "growing up" age for some people.

My cousin was with a man 13 years older than her. It was also a long distance relationship where neither of them could move, and he was divorced with a teenager. They got married, she's now pregnant with their second baby and she's incredibly happy so these situations can work. She doesn't seem overly bothered by the fact that she didn't do things the "right way" as in she got with someone who had already been married and had a child and neither does anyone else. It really depends on how much it bothers you.

How well do you get on with his children? Could you envision living with them full time? You mention restriction on your time as a couple as being a negative but surely you already have this as it's long distance and it hasn't affected your love for him? The other downsides of holidays and family vs. career are going to happen if you have children anyway. Some couples completely fall apart when children come along yet you'll already know what that's like and have worked with it, so you could look at it from a positive angle.

You need to have a good chat about the future with him. Does he actually want more children? You may have already had this conversation with him of course but people change their minds and it's always good to know where you stand. I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to talk about after 2 and a half years of long distance.

I think it would be a good idea to spend a week or two staying with him at some point if you haven't already to see what life is like in a busy household and see if it's for you. So what if you don't follow tradition? There are so many blended families nowadays that it's not a big deal. Personally I would regret losing a man I really love over worrying about whether I was doing things the "right" way or not. But you do need to go into this situation with your eyes wide open. I'm assuming you've talked about living together if you've both decided you can't do it right now but that's what the living together period is about, to decide if you can put up with their bad habits or other issues enough to do it forever. If you can't cope with being a full time step-mum then that's fair enough but I don't think this is a decision you need to worry about right this second. It is a good idea to have a chat with him about future children and your potential future though.

It really isn't DP I feel I would be settling for...would be a very lucky woman to have him...but I worry that I can't fully comprehend what the future will be like if we have a life together and will regret missing out on things.

I do get along with the children. It is useless to wish for things that can never happen, but I wish I was a bit older. In my "life plan" I always thought I would have a bit more time to just be me and to just be a couple, before children came on the scene. I wish I could put DP and his kids on pause for a few years because I think we could be a lovely family together - but it's not going to work if I can't let go of this feeling that I might be missing out or doing it wrong.

He says he would like to have a child with me (and had the snip reversed a few months ago...) - but I worry about that too. I feel like the sensible thing to do (assuming I stay with DP) is to try for a baby in the next few years, rather than in the next 6 or 7 years as I previously thought. Because we will already have reasonably young kids at that time anyway, rather than my stepkids growing up and being more independent and then us deciding to have a baby. Plus there is the fact that DP is older - he says he would have a baby at the moment, but in 6 or 7 years time when his kids are pretty much teenagers, will he still want to do it all over again? Need to discuss that with him I suppose. All a bit of a hypothetical point as we don't know if the reversal was successful yet.

I feel I should just be happy in the present - and if I stop being happy in the present, then end it and move on. I am really happy with DP at the moment but still worry that we are heading for some kind of disaster!

I think you're right to be concerned. Three kids are a handful to put it mildly. You will be restricted in plenty of ways and if that bothers you then you need to think twice before entering their life on a more permanent basis.

Can I ask where their mother is? Do they see her, would you get time alone?

Children are very rewarding, usually because they're your own, I know other folk love their step dc like their own so it depends on what you are like in that respect.

Also throwing a fourth child into the mix will just mean there are four dc to look after!

I guess I'm saying going from a care free 26 yr old to a ft step mum/Housewife can be a shock to the system even if you do love the bones of your dp. Unfortunately children have a habit of getting in the way of these things so your relationship really does have to be super strong!

I realise I sound negative here but it's just my take on things

Good luck with it all