second wife

[issie11]

Hi just to had to post - i have been married 7 yrs to a Muslim man. He was not a practicing Muslim when we met but 2 yrs ago really got into ti. He prayed all the time constantly bored friends so we had no friends, I let him get on with it thinking he would eventually come to his senses. We were very busy last year and frankly grew apart although I did not realise, as I still loved him and still do but also hate him.

He was a very honorable man but now I don't know this man at all. I found out out he was having an affair but worse he married her in a Nikka wedding (no legal status). He told me he met her in March this year, she converted (i never did), she got pregnant at 40yrs old in 3 weeks!, but lost the baby four weeks later, now she has cancer so she needs him. I am too old for children so we have none, my \h is 25 yrs younger them me. He was crying and told me he was just an arse.... but he could not help it he loved her but he loved me more, all this was on holiday away from her. I told him she was spinning yarns not that it matters. I was so shocked but wanted to save my marriage. We came back I asked him was he still seeing her - he said no but I know he is (this was 2 weeks ago). when first home he tried for a few days but now he is totally disassociated with me. He says he promised to take care of my but he is not he is treating house like hotel and gong where he wants, I know he is lonely as he works on his own, I have told him twice if he does not want to be here to go but he stays ,why? he keeps saying he has to earn money so he can pay me back what I have given to his family, I earn 3 times his salary. we live in a house I am bought before we were married still in my name. we also bought 3 other houses from my redundancy and retirement money but I put them in join names. He looks stressed most of the time, he has been using porn sites - I am at my wits end. He talked about going to be
an Imman (takes 5 yrs) and says he will not live probably another 5 yrs. He is now rude but now I have confided in a friend she comes to the house he comes also and is very chatty as if nothing is wrong. I swing from divorce to fear, panic and fell a real loss. I asked did he want a divorce he said nothing, I said i will take that as a yes then again he said nothing, he said he is confused and if he did not love me he could take half of everything under english law., I asked was he staying because he could not afford to live on his own, he replied of course I can afford it. I asked did she accept being second wife he said yes - I said I don't and under Muslim terms need to agree he said he would not have told me had I not found out, then said but I love you more than her. what a mess why cant I make up my mind? Whats in his mind?

You're welcome to PM me but I'm not a lawyer. If you call around you can possibly find one or two family law solicitors that can offer you a free initial consultation. When you're talking about substantial sums and property, it's worth paying a few hundred for professional advice rather than guessing.

If you do a search on MN for posts by 'Olgaga', they posted a useful help sheet quite a few times.

First of all, this man isn't in any way a devout religious man. To describe him even remotely so is putting genuinely religious people of any faith to shame.

It's laughable that he talks about being an Imam, when he seems to ignore massive parts of Islam. You know, just all those bits that impose any sort of restrictions on him or his behaviour.

You absolutely should not accept this. He is using you for your money. I'm sorry, but no-one can behave this way towards someone they care about. His "second wife" is a mistress. I don't know the specifics, but if you say that both women need to agree for a second wife to be taken, then she doesn't even fall under that category in islamic law. I'm pretty sure that adultery is not well looked upon in Islam.

However, even if that WAS the case, you are by no means forced to stay with someone whose ideals have radically changed (by which I mean, if they suddenly start changing their behaviour and their treatment of you, not that they necessarily become "radicalised" in a religious sense).

Please go and have an appointment with a solicitor - they normally give free 30 minute sessions. Have a look online to see some in your area. Ask them if you can demand that this man leave the property. If not, ask them what your options are. Ask them what his entitlements will be.

I THOUGHT (but could be wrong) that 50 50 splits in assets were for when one person had made sacrifices during the marriage which benefited the relationship (e.g. giving up work to look after kids). I think it might be less generous if it's just someone who earns a wage, but less than their spouse. But I'm NOT a lawyer, so don't take my word for it.

As soon as you get back from the appointment, put this into practise.

Get rid of this worthless man as soon as possible.

Olgaga's link 'Survive Separation' is here

@kaykayblue 50/50 is the base-line for splits in assets. If both people arrive in the marriage with nothing - say a young couple in their twenties - and then go on to acquire assets or accumulate cash it is all deemed joint and split 50/50 on separation. Later marriages where older people may arrive in it with a property of their own or vastly different incomes, for example, are treated slightly differently. The assets are not deemed joint immediately but, over time, and especially if someone can demonstrate they have made investments, then there can be a claim. Any assets acquired during the marriage, however, go back to 50/50. So if the couple sold their respective properties & bought a new one together, that would be 'marital'.

More couples in the latter bracket are looking at pre-nuptial agreements rather than leave things to chance, especially if there are pre-existing children who need to be protected.