Moving on

[lolilolilou]

Longime lurker here posting for some advice.

I met a woman at work 2 years ago and we just clicked straight away and became really close friends. Our lives are very different as she is a LP to teenage DC and I'm 15 years younger and on my own. Despite this we found we had lots in common and I started to go round to hers for dinner one night a week and sometimes more. It was great to have someone I could talk to about anything and it was the same for her too.

Then 6 months ago the DC were with their DF and I was round sharing a bottle of wine and putting the world to rights. As I was leaving she told me she had fallen in love with me and kissed me. I wasn't expecting it and thought it might be a drunken mistake so I left but said I'd phone her. I spent half the night thinking about it and realised that I loved her too. I phoned her the next day and she said she didn't understand how/why but she did love me.

Neither of us are gay, I had a brief relationship with a woman when I was younger but she was married until her abusive husband left her for OW 4 years ago. She was worried about being in a gay relationship, the age difference and most importantly her DC. We agreed to discreetly see each other for 6 months and see how we felt. I carried on going round for dinner with her and DC but as a friend.

The past 6 months have been amazing, we've lived in a bubble because its been secret and only spent time together as a couple on weekends when the DC were at their dads but we make each other very happy. All of my previous serious relationships have been emotionally, physically or sexually abusive so it was something of a revelation to be with someone who is just kind and supportive. Her XH was violent and EA and I know she felt like a weight had gone that we were so happy. Of course we argued but without anyone being bullied or hit.

It may be TMI but the sex was the best I've ever had. I remember early on we were in bed and she looked at me and said 'I've never had sex with someone I've been in love with before' it made me really but I don't think I had either.

Her DC are both lovely people. They have their issues but knowing the things they saw between their parents as children, I can't believe how they are. Obviously they have no idea I'm anything other than their Mum's friend but I enjoy talking to them in their own right. Her DD has depression and began self harming shortly after we started seeing each other. I have depression (which largely, I've learned to control) but I've sh'd in the past and I found I could talk to my GF and try to help her understand why her DD felt the need to do that.I also talked to her DD about it and she told her Mum it helped and was like having a big sister. The DD is now having counselling and is slowly starting to feel better. Her DS is older and a teenage boy and we don't talk about much except football and the latest craze on YouTube

Anyway, last week we were talking about what we were going to do and she has decided that, for her DC's sake we can't see each other any more and I am devastated

Their DF is racist and homophobic and the DC have been brought up until he left that this is acceptable. DS once described a lesbian scene in a film as 'fucking disgusting'. DD has never expressed any views but obviously she's vulnerable and I remember being at high school and desperately wanting to fit in and I think I would have been horrified to be told my Mum was in a relationship with a woman - I think I would have accepted the situation eventually but I didn't have any additional problems.

In the beginning my GF was really freaked out by not being straight anymore and what other people would think, I think this is also part of the decision. She said that she will always love me but she needs to be single or with a man.

She wanted us to go back to being close friends, but I just can't do that so I asked that we don't see each other at all except in work. I want to convince her that it will all be fine with the DC if we are patient, but that's probably selfish. We couldn't really talk about it because both of us were in tears and I left. I think I'm still in shock because I feel a bit numb.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to get over her because she was my best friend too. I haven't told anyone IRL apart from my parents because I was worried everyone would find out, but now I can't talk to anyone.

Can someone please convince me that its definitely over and then tell me to stop moping?

I'll come to the relationship in a minute, the thing that stands out to me though is how the DF has influenced these children into being homophobic (and potentially pushing his racist views on them). For the health of these children, not your potential relationship, she needs to address it. Being a parent is hard but most people do the best they can raise somebody who is accepting of others and has compassion for other humans despite gender, sexuality or race. The man in these young peoples lives is doing horrible damage.

I know somebody who would be regarded as the sort of person to be homophobic, also they are intimidating and come across as aggressive. He actually didn't care at all when he found out his brother way gay. His brother had avoided telling him for years, had an absolute fear of him finding out and had sworn everybody to secrecy. When he made the choice to tell him all his brother said was "oh, how long have you known?" the conversation went on like that, he still made "homophobic" comments to him, but in a very very jokey way which was a way of him showing he accepted it and the two stayed just as close if not closer. So it is possible to get it wrong about how a person will react.

As for your relationship I can't say if you should just move on/stop moping. I know how love feels and personally I would't give up that easily. You have a right to be happy with whoever you like regardless of gender. I'm really sorry I can't offer anything more in way of advice.

Thanks overslept. I can't sleep because I'm just laid thinking.

I did try to talk to her about her XH and the DC a while ago. She agrees its very wrong and tries to talk to them about it, but their Dad will push his opinions when they are with him. The end result is that they know its unacceptable to be overtly racist/ homophobic but I'm not sure what they actually think. I agree that their 'D'F is responsible for a lot of damage, but he is their F.

She feels incredibly guilty for the fact that she didn't leave XH when he was abusive, he was also physical with his DS but never DD. She feels ashamed that she didn't leave to protect her son but I think she was so caught by it all that she just accepted it. DD obviously saw a lot of the abuse and apparently tried to protect her DM from it Since XH left she's tried to make it up to the kids in any way she can, and I think some of this is really unhelpful for the DC and for her - but I've never said so because I don't think its my place to judge her parenting.

As you say I don't know how her DC would react if they were told. I'm more worried about DD and I think she is too. She's come such a long way with her depression over the last 4 months and the last thing either of us wants is to push her back to where she was before.

I just don't know what to do because I don't want to just give up and walk away. I thought we would be together until (most likely) she died. We'd talked about children and made long term plans and then in the space of one conversation that was it. So obviously I don't want to walk away.

I know how much she loves her kids though and the 3 of them are incredibly close, she'll never be happy when they aren't. So if we told them and it went badly she would leave me anyway - but maybe it would damage the relationship between her and DC

Ultimately it isn't my decision to make, I could try to convince her but I feel awful. She just cries and says its horrendous but she has to do it like this. It feels like this way everyone gets to be happy except both of us.

Is there anyone on MN who has been in a similar situation with teenage DC involved who could give advice?

Her DD started self harming soon after you started seeing each other. The last thing a child who's gone through what she has needs is for her mother to keep those kinds of secrets from her. You were at their house with them, hanging out, having dinner. Her DD has almost certainly picked up that something is different about this relationship. Again in her role as protector she's spent a lifetime watching for gaps between what she's being told about adult's relationships vs. reality.

Now she's torn between her abusive father's judgmental voice in her head, her anger at her mum for lying etc. and her need to protect her mother. If her DM can't tell her the truth then I'm sorry but she's doing the right thing by ending it with you. Her kids have spent a lifetime in a home where abuse was no doubt denied and minimized. They need an honest environment now and the only one who can give them that is their mum. You could suggest she sees if she can talk to her daughters therapist or find her own therapist to figure out whether, how and when she can tell her kids.

Ultimately her kids need to learn that she has boundaries now, that she has needs too and that her romantic life is her business. But now may well not be the right time and she may not be up to dealing with that yet. Anyway, that's not within your control. If you love her all you can do is give her time and space to work this out for herself.

Thanks Polly - I think you are right and I have to let it go. But I still hope that one day she will change her mind.

I don't think that DDs SH harm had anything to do with our relationship. She was being bullied by a former best friend and it really got to her because of how she felt to start with.

We were obsessively careful to make sure everything stayed as it was before. I know they aren't my kids but I care about them and the last thing I was is for them to be hurt