Young couple in a rut.

[VeniceQueen99]

I will try and keep this short. I don't expect any miraculous answers, would just like some perspective on our marriage and its past/future.

In a nutshell, we are newlyweds, both fresh out of education and into the world of work. It has been a huge adjustment, possibly more so for me than my partner.

We have been arguing on a weekly basis for around 4 months now. The same topics come up over and over, always revolving around me. The spats are so repetitive and wearing that my wife says I no longer have any attractive qualities, such is my change in personality.

At the beginning of this period I had fell into the trap of telling white lies, and freely admit that. It was always about the silliest of things, but nonetheless this makes my partner distrustful of me. Then, possibly as a result of being "found out" several times, or another factor, I began talking to people in a way I have never done before in my life. I would be rude, irritable, unenthusiastic, and quite often backchat to members of her family.

At first I attributed this to being insecure or feeling like I was backed into a corner (wife and MIL very strong characters). But something is nagging in the back of my head: am I depressed? Have I really changed in personality? I hope not. I have always been introverted and socially awkward, but never an asshole.

I love my wife to bits, I truly do. I couldn't imagine my life without her, but I don't want her to be trapped in a mentally abusive relationship for a second longer than she has to.

I tell a bad story, so let me know if I've forgotten something.

Okay, well, I'll pitch in with a few questions before I head to bed for the night as I think folk will need a bit more info to give useful advice.

Did you live together before you married? Can you give us some examples of the type of adjustments you've had to make? What are the topics you argue about?

What are your living arrangements - just the two of you, or with extended family?

What sort of white lies have you been telling?

Do you think you might be depressed? If so, have you / will you see your GP about it?

White lies? Fear of being found out. These sound like warnings to me. Why are you (feeling / having to) presenting a slightly glossier reality to your wife?
Are you trying to avoid arguments?
Are you trying to avoid interrogation?
Are you disappointed by your life in some way?
I am asking becsuse I wonder if you are changing your approach out of fear or out of disappointment.

What have you been arguing about? Can you give an example

We've lived together almost from the beginning, when we were students. It was pretty different back then as you can imagine, with barely any responsibilities, and all the time in the world. If we had arguments then they would be resolved very quickly because we were rarely apart. Now we both work full time.

We decided to move to her home county as she is much closer to her family, particularly her mum. My family is scattered around the UK anyhow, but all are more than 100 miles away. I am a 6 hour drive from my "home" county. I won't say I don't miss the place and the people there.

I am a very relaxed and laid back person - often too much so, and this is the root of many of our arguments. I can be so blazé about some things that it seems like I don't care. I realise this may be an unpopular view here, but I really think there better things to do in life than worry about whether I buy skimmed or semi-skimmed milk.

An example of a white lie of mine is saying that I tripped the car after filling the car up, when really I didn't. They are never much bigger than that... I do it just for the quiet life, not because I have malicious intent. Not only that, but I have been very honest about some big things in the past.

I don't avoid arguments. I'm usually the one to open the channels back up, after I've had some time to think anyway.

Yes I do avoid interrogation when I can, because who likes being interrogated? I don't have anything to hide, I just have an awful memory which makes it difficult to remember exactly how a circumstance came to be, so then I stutter... which makes me look like a liar.

I have no idea if I'm depressed or not. All I know is when I look at my wife, all I can see is her disappointment in me, and that makes me very, very sad indeed.

Sounds like you both need to work on improving the communication so you can understand better what's working for each of you and what isn't. Would you consider going to Relate?

Your wife chose to marry you so she must have seen some good in you. You therefore owe it to her and your relationship to see some good in your self.
It sounds as if your confidence has been affected by moving into the world of work. Why would that be?
Most loving wives will respond to a conversation that begins ' I need to talk to you about something as I feel fearful. Always use the 'I' word and do not look for blame when there is a problem between you.
Lying is a symptom of some thing not a cause. If you are lying because you feel that it is somehow letting you off the hook, are you frightened of your wife? ( you won't be the first)
What about your upbringing? Did your family life affect you so that you don't have much self esteem? You can have counselling etc.
If your wife reassures you when you ask her if everything is OK, then you should accept it.

Life is short so you need to enjoy it. You do sound anxious, maybe not depressed yet but if your negativity carries on then it looks as though you are heading that way.
Discuss things with your wife.

If you love your wife to bits, act in a loving manner. If you're conscious that your behaviour is poor, behave better. If her 'strong character' means she's bossing you about, address it. If MIL is too involved, address that. If there are too many arguments, suggest counselling or find other ways to talk kindly to each other and communicate better.

Marriage is a two person project. You can't fix it single-handed