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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH has tried to contact me via Facebook

12 replies

McButtonwillow · 03/10/2014 20:28

Ex-h and I split up over 17 years ago, it was messy and painful. He left me for an OW (who I knew nothing of at the time) and pretty much followed the script, led me on an emotional roller coaster and messed with my head. I was in a very dark place afterwards, luckily we had no dc and I got through a really difficult time with the support of my friends and family.

Fast forward to today and I am happily married, lovely husband who I adore, brilliant kids and life is great. I hadn't checked my Facebook messages for ages and find today that ex-h has found me and messaged me a few months ago, something along the lines of wanting to see how I am but understanding if I didn't want to reply. I have deleted the message and have absolutely no intention of responding but I'm surprised at how affected I've been hearing from him. I never think of him, have no feelings towards him and moved on a long time ago but this contact has made me feel really emotional and I don't know if it's just triggered some of the memories of what I went through.

I felt sick when I saw his message, I feel angry that he would be so stupid as to think I might appreciate hearing from him when he treated me with such utter contempt and I have no idea why he would think making contact would be a good idea.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I just feel stupidly tearful and maybe getting the way I feel out here might help me process things-I feel a bit stupid too for being upset over it.

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 03/10/2014 20:43

My opinion. Would be... Have you actually deleted the msg (some sit in archived) if it's still there, then show your OH!

Please don't hide it OP! Think of how you would feel?

Don't let 'it' intrude on you X

seasavage · 03/10/2014 20:46

You have my sympathy. He's obviously a numpty. You are well rid (as I am sure you know). He clearly lacks social skills / awareness ...
Fb message once from the girl who made my teenage years hell. She's in broadcasting now (apparently). I ignored it. I figure she's desperate (as always) for someone to be impressed. Or just bored as the exschool friends also got messages. Copy and paste too. Nice.

Lacoba66 · 03/10/2014 20:47

Meant to add, that it's oaky to feel shocked and angry (he won't be giving a shit about the implications of the msg)

You've moved on and have a better life, so no response needed, bur I would still share it with OH. x

Lacoba66 · 03/10/2014 20:48

Sorry - meant "okay"

Vivacia · 03/10/2014 20:59

Similar thing happened to me. I was sat next to DP when I received it, and showed him. It also stirred strong, negative emotions in me.

Original poster
McButtonwillow · 03/10/2014 21:37

I had thought about telling dh but I'm not sure what that will achieve. I'm sure he'd be understanding but there's a part of me that worries that he'd be hurt that it's bothering me. (I don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything from him though either).

I've been hoping just delete and move on, maybe I just need a couple of days to let the shock of hearing from him pass...

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/10/2014 21:59

I'd have been tempted to message back with "I had hoped you were dead by now" or just a plain "Fuck off"

Lacoba66 · 03/10/2014 22:00

I do kind of get what your saying OP about the shock aspect, but if you are happy/confident enough, then don't let your past destroy what you have. Tell OP & you can deal with it together. X

LickleMiss · 03/10/2014 22:05

Make sure your settings are high enough. Don't let him facebook stalk you

Original poster
McButtonwillow · 03/10/2014 22:07

Grin bitter tempting but I hope that my silence says it all.

Thanks laco it definitely won't be destroying anything , my past is staying firmly where it belongs. I'll have a think and maybe have a chat with dh tomorrow if I'm still feeling unsettled. You are right though in saying how would I feel if the roles were reversed and I would be hurt if he didn't tell me but then I'm also quite insecure so it would probably make me feel anxious if I knew that one of his exes had been back in contact (he's much more laid back then me though).

OP posts:
Original poster
McButtonwillow · 03/10/2014 22:09

lickle thanks. The first thing I did was check my privacy settings which are set to maximum and in fact his message had gone into my "other" inbox which I only check once in a blue moon that's why it's taken a few a months for me to see his it (and there's been no other contact since so I think he's got the message).

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 03/10/2014 22:23

Sometimes, past things can still invoke an emotion in us- that's okay, so long as you understand why. OP - I think you do :-). You seem aware, just a little confused. With 17 years of history, please talk to your mate. X

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