Why are so many people so bloomin' self centred?

[IWannaDanceNow]

I went shopping with two friends today.

One asked if I'd pick her up on my way into town, and I said that it would be no problem. She lives on an estate that's like a rabbit warren with loads of cul-de-sacs, so I said I'd meet her on the main road through the estate, which is literally a 2 minute walk from her house at 10.30am.

I got there at 10.30 and she wasn't there, so I waited for 10 minutes and then phoned her. She was at home and said that she'd been waiting for me to text her to say I was there. Why she couldn't just have met me at 10.30 as agreed I don't know. She then took a further 15 minutes to get to my car, and when she got there she was giggly and said basically 'sorry, Anna (name changed obviously) just phoned me and I was talking to her'.

Eventually got into town, met up with other friend, but the self centred friend spent the entire shopping trip talking about herself, not listening to a word that anyone else said, and totally focused on what she wanted to look at and buy. She took ages trying on items in changing rooms and even had the cheek to tell me to 'hurry up' the only time I tried an item on, as she was bored.

I had to drop her home and she asked if I could just call in at the Tesco express on the way home, so she went in and I waited in the car and she was 15 minutes in there, no doubt she'd been chatting in there too. Plus I had to listen to her incessant talk about herself.

It's just made me reflect really on how selfish she is, and how most of the people that I class as friends are the same. I don't want to ditch all my friends but I feel like having some time out from spending time with any of them. And I wish that I had it in me to be more selfish.

"Why are so many people so bloomin' self centred?"

Because the other people around them let them get away with it.

What you should have done is to have given her that 2 minutes to walk to your car, and then took off when she didn't show up. Your time is more precious to you than hers is.

Next question?

I'd have no friends left if I did things like that though. I've made a mental note not to give her any more lifts though

I'd have no friends left if I did things like that though.

Common denominator there is you. If you become more assertive, what happens is you make new and more interesting friends.

I agree I need to be more assertive.

I'm really cross with myself for putting up with the shit today.

If you become more assertive, what happens is you make new and more interesting friends.

^This

I've started being more assertive and have managed to either piss off, offend and loose my so called friends. These "friends" have been taking the piss out of me for a while now, so I've stopped it. Now they don't like me. Funny that.

I have 1 friend left who is bloody amazing. Between her and MN, I've started standing up for myself and it's been an eye opener I can tell you.

People who think they know you, and know what you are going to do, don't like it when you change and mess up with their ideas of you because you stop becoming someone who is useful to them, someone who can be called on when they want something (sound familiar?). BUT......I have made 2 new ones, who don't take any shit from anyone and actually like and respect me when I say No. It's nice. I'ts slow going, but it's nice.

Think back to the people at school who were popular. It was people who were mainly independent, confidant and assertive and not particularly over friendly. The ones really who did not need people and were fine with their own company.
The more you put yourself out for others and the less you listen to your own feelings about what you want, the less friends you will have.
Ask yourself, What is worse, being alone or having friends that make you feel bad?
If you are afraid of being alone then counselling and a mindful course would help you.
No one wants to be 'Billy no mates ' but I am afraid what you are revealing in your post is a lack of self esteem and your so called friends can sense it. Their treatment of you is almost self fulfilling as you appear too frightened of losing their awful company, instead of sticking up for yourself.
Do you even like them?
Sorry Xx

Yes I agree I have low self esteem, and I think I do have that fear inside of being alone.

I find it very hard to be unfriendly to people though; I think my problem is that I worry about upsetting people when they are clearly not worried at all about upsetting me. If I'd have driven off today after 2 minutes it would have caused a big falling out, and ruined the day shopping for the other friend who was meeting us there. I know that I should really put my own feelings first though.

Not totally convinced tbh. Some people are self centered. That is their fault. They might try to be less self centered if people called them on it more often but they might not.
It can be annoying being friends with people like that so if it upsets you. Spend less time with them or let them know the issue.

But it is not the OPs fault other people are selfish. Next someone will call her an enabler!

And I am not sure suggesting she drive off (be self centered) is going to make the world a better place.

I do think not giving her lifts in future or saying will meet you at 10.30 can't hang around though as i have x to do/meet and/or saying sorry no don't have time to wait at Tesco but I can drop you off there in passing might be less drama llama.

I think those are good suggestions, justice. I like to avoid drama if possible, and confrontation. I live in a small town where everyone is involved in everyone else's business and mud sticks. I can't be bothered with any drama or arguments.

There is a difference between being unfriendly and being assertive.

I live in a village, i have people who look out for me, but i am not unfriendly. I am just assertive and if someone wants me to do something i dont want to do i say i cant do it. Never give excuses. Just be straight. Not mean.

Honestly, nobody really wants to be good friends with someone with low self esteem, they want people with some get up and go. And you really need to question those that just have friends that are 'yes' people all the time. Thats not healthy.

Find your spirit and go make some new chums.

I think I need to learn some assertiveness techniques. I really do need to grow some balls

You need better maintained and higher boundaries, not just assertiveness.

Work on raising your own low self esteem if needs be also through counselling. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Dance; I used to work in construction. I was in my late teens and early 20s, with bright red or pink pigtails [on purpose] and I had to manage men who had left the army mid 30s/40s. Some even older. And some young men just leaving school. And all of them not used to being told what to do by a girl. You have to learn to be assertive but not rude otherwise we would never have got any work done. I don't know the big words for them but there are techniques to use.

I now run my own business and my main clients send me ex offenders who are high risk to themselves and others. And they call me the ball breaker. No idea why.

www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness-techniques.html

www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm

Phoebe's response is kind of all you need really...

Thanks for all the replies.

I've ordered a couple of books about assertiveness and confidence, so hopefully they will arrive this week and will be helpful

I am sick to the back teeth of self-obsessed so-called friends.

I am currently having a few weeks to myself as I really need a breather from it all. It makes me seethe that the mouthy, self absorbed people have others hanging from their every word and remembering every detail of their lives, yet don't even remember very minor details about me and my life.

I have decided that as of now anyone that wants to be my friend has to work hard to be my friend and I will no longer be a pushover.