How long to get over being cheated on and left

[Xan1]

I know there are (sadly) lots of munsnetters in this situation. I just wondered, for those of you who are a bit further along than me (H cheated/left about 9months ago), how long did it take to really come to terms with the whole situation? I was with H nearly 18 years and 2 kids when I discoveries his affair and left us for OW. This summer I was feeling more positive but recently I've been feeling crap and wisho g I was over it already.

2years 6mnths since discovery of affair and 2years 3months since he left. I am definitely better, but not over it. I don't want to go back. But I am hurt and don't feel able to entrust anyone else with my feelings yet.

I just hate all the headspace that my STBXH takes up. He obviously doesn't spend any time thinking about me (too busy having anal sex with OW) or our children.

First 2 months - total shock, then 6 months of crying and anger and hating yourself, then a slow climb into being able to do normal things again, like watch a film or look forward to something.

After about a year I've started to at least think about a future without him and feel a slither of possibility that I might be happy again.

I am learning that you can control how long it takes by how ready and willing you are to accept it and how much work you keep into doing positive things for yourself. The more positively you tackle it, the quicker you feel better. Although I still cry every day at some point. I did love him pretty deeply though and the betrayal shook me to the core.

I think now I might be happy again, I hope for that, but I'm positive I'll never be the same again. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing but it;s fundamental altered who I am.

I was with him for 5 years and it nearly killed me (quite literally) so I bow down in admiration for those women who get through this after sharing a lifetime with someone.

"The worst thing about betrayal is that it always comes from a friend"

One year and four months in. Its been a roller coaster and no mistake, sometimes one step forward and two back but eventually I think I am over the worst although ex so far has had a few horrible surprises just when I thought I had moved on. He is now onto his second girlfriend.
I was with my ex for 19 years and two kids so very similar situation to you op. I'm going to try OD soon but have no real hopes in that regard just want a few nights out. Like you I am wary of getting in too deep with someone for now.
I think that you need to expect it to take a while and not get too disheartened when you seem to take a step back, it will come good eventually. I look forward to the day when I no longer give a shiny shit about what he's doing, I think i am nearly there.

I don't think I will ever trust a man completely again. I think I was very naïve and overly trusting with my husband and he exploited that and betrayed me quite spectacularly (with three women that I know of, and probably more). I just wish I could wave a magic wand and forget about the whole thing but I can't.

3 years on for me,
the first three months wanted to kill myself, couldnt function, couldnt sleep, ate only to keep myself alive, crying constantly,
the next six months started to pull myself together and though even now it still hurts what he did to me i have a normal life now
2 years to go out with anyone for more than two dates as soon as someone wanted to get close i backed off didnt trust them enough not to do to me what ex did
this year started seeing someone from OD and so far still together, trust him hes a nice guy, but we dont live together just see each other two nights a week and it suits both of us

I don't think I will ever trust a human being in the same way again, not just men. It changes you

4 years since the first idiot did it, 4 months since the second. 11 years of my life in total. Not over either yet but I have a good life now and am loving being single and living on my own. It's freeing to know I wouldn't touch another long term relationship with a bargepole. Plus it (well with the help of therapy and antidepressants) has helped me figure out why I chose such idiots and put up with the stuff I put up with.

Don't beat yourself up about not being over it enough. I'm not sure you ever completely get over the shock of being betrayed by someone you trusted. I give myself permission to get over it someday or never, whatever. Focus instead on building a better life for yourself that has nothing to do with a man. Then you'll be too busy to wonder too often where you currently are on the 'over it' scale. I suspect that 20 years from now I still wouldn't turn down the opportunity to punch both my exes in their smug faces. But then I'd go back to getting on with my (by then) awesome life.

I don't think some people ever get over it, it really depends on the person. I was cheated on in a previous relationship, very early on. I was young and in the dippy loved up stage so we made a go of things, he never cheated again and did seem full of regret etc, but it ruined something forever. I didn't realise what a dark cloud is was over everything until I started my new relationship, being with somebody else and not having those bitter thoughts, memories at certain dates of the year, worry, trust issues, is just amazing. It was like having a constant pain that you get so used to you think it is normal and end up not noticing it and you only notice how awful it was when it stops. I'd never do it again, if I was cheated on in the future I would leave then and there.

The first few months were the hardest and I became week thinking he'd change his mind and he'd want me back (pathetic, I know). We then fell out over something very very big and he was unreasonable. I saw him in a different light, thinking considering what he'd done, how could he go on and do this. Something snapped. That was seven months after discovery. I had the most amazing fling for six months. He taught me so much and made me value myself again. I got my heart broke but despite that, I knew that I deserved more. I'm now just about to be divorced which has brought emotions with it, but the affair itself no longer hurts, just the sadness that my daughter will never know what it was like to have a mummy and daddy who were togther.

But to add, when I was having my fling I trusted him completely, which I never thought I would. So whilst I'll never forget being cheated on, I think I could trust again

The saying that you're not the same person once you get through the storm really resonates with me. I know I am not the same person now, and wonder who I will be when I've finished getting through it.

I hope in time that logic wins, that me (and anyone else this has happened to) understands that when people treat you like shit it is because they are faulty - not because we are.

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