Is the dream of a baby unrealistic in my situation?

[RoundhouseKick]

I'm 37 and wondering if I am too old to keep hoping for the dream in my head.

I have a son who is 11 but his Dad disappeared as soon as I was pregnant and he was physically abusive so although my son is the best thing ever, it was hardly a happy experience. I was on my own on the day I gave birth with only nurses there to keep me company.

I met "Mr Right" when I was 30 and we were together for 5 years but although when we first got together we agreed we both wanted children, he changed his mind after we got together. I loved him a lot and because he had kids of his own I felt that was enough to give me the house full of voices that I wanted, so I accepted that and gave up on the dream of more children.

Then he left me for another woman.

I didn't have the best life as a child, and really wanted to create the family and although I am successful in life and have lot of friends I just really want to have a big family, or at least one more child if I can.

My only real dream in life is to have a happy home, and maybe to share the experience of having a baby with someone.

I have been single a year now, and have dated a few people but not felt like any of them were right for me. I don't have a problem getting dates, I'm still looking all right (provided clothes are on) and I am quite outgoing and good with people. I just haven't met the right one yet.

I just was just wondering if I am beating my head up against a brick wall at my age to expect to meet someone that's right for me and still be young enough for us to have a baby of our own.

I'm not to keen on "stepkids" as "Mr Right" mentioned above had kids who I loved almost as much as I loved him and obviously when he ran off with the other woman I lost him and the kids. Not sure I could live through that again and nor could my son.

Can anyone tell me if it's unrealistic to hope for this at my age? I know I am not a pensioner or anything, but I am just wondering after which point a baby probably isn't going to be on the cards for me. I would love to adopt though, so maybe that is an option?

Iv'e tried to make sensible choices all my life and just feel worried that my dreams have passed me by.

I met my DP at 38, and am now 42 with a beautiful baby. It's not too late for you, but also there's no guarantees.

Good Luck

Roundhouse, I'm 37, and could have been you. I have a younger DD, but exp is a cheating, nasty twat. I've been single for 4 years, and had all but given up on the idea of the family I wanted.

I'm not yet there, but I've met someone new, will be getting married next year, and am with someone who cannot wait to have my coil whipped out and see what happens.

It might not. At 37, it's not so easy. But it does and can happen. I was happy with life before, it wasn't my everything, but it is possible.

I really feel for you op. I also have a DS (12) and wish that I could have another child now that I have remarried (last year at 35). Sadly we can't as I have started premature menopause. I'd spent over a decade fixating on providing what I thought of as a complete and loving family environment, all the while DS HAD a secure and loving home environment with me! DH and I have had to change our mindset so much recently and it has really helped us to focus on what we do have (he also has 2 children who come to us 1/3 of the time) rather than what we don't.
I'm not saying that you should give up on your dreams, but perhaps you could try and focus on how you can embrace what you do have and allow that to become your dream?

You could also consider how another child might impact on your DS at this age? Let's say, for arguments sake, that you met a wonderful man tomorrow and you married him next year with a child following a year later. Your DS would be 13, going through a very tricky hormonal phase in his life and facing his mother being distracted by a baby, when perhaps he felt that his need was greater. Worst case scenario he could feel pushed out of your new loving family bubble. I totally understand your need to complete the picture you have focused on for so long, but perhaps relaxing thatvfocus might help you see what you have rather than what you haven't.

Appreciate the responses there. My son keeps asking me for a baby :) He misses his step-family a lot and he agrees with me that he prefers a busy house.

I do know I might be hoping for the unattainable, but it feels so sad that I ran out of time. I think I was never expecting my ex to leave me for someone else, so I figured his kids competed the dream.

Funny how life changes and you end up without the things you thought were the future.

Having gotten over the split from the cheating, lying, fake twat he turned out to be it's really the element of family that I miss so much. Dreading Christmas!!!!

Met my lovely husband at 36, friends for a couple years before becoming more. First kid surprised us at 39, just had second.

we did things the wrong way round though; when we moved in together he turned into a real twat. Gradually over time he's improved until he's a gem. (stayed together as no less than two forms of contraception failed and presented us with a startling suprise after a few months ).

That's a story of hope Meerka! Congratulations!

Had DD at nearly 40, met DP on my 36th birthday. Not quite closed the door on no.2, although it's unlikely. 37 is nothing

Those responses have put a big smile on my face! I like a challenge, but I was wondering today if keeping hoping for this dream was just setting myself up for disappointment. Fantastic to hear some people have found their mojo a bit later in life!

Good luck, roundhouse :) hoping for the best for you

I split up.with my ds1 father at 35. Soon after got together with dp and by 36 I had my 2nd child and at 38 my 3rd and 4th at 40.

I got divorced at 34, met my current partner when I was 37 (quite unexpected as well as I had no desire for a relationship).

We had our son (both our first child) two years ago when I was 39, so you are far from being over the hill.

You never know what is around the corner, usually when you are least expecting it

I feel for you... I always wanted a large family but my ex put the brakes on after 2 kids. The dream of more people to love in my family remained after the breakup.

With regard to meeting someone I suggest that in the world of dating, there are a lot of shallow people.

I decided to enjoy being on my own and went all out for developing a social life, which had been lacking. I now have a wonderful boyfriend (neither of us were looking, just wanted more friends) and while I'd love for us to have a child together, his company is so good that I can see us going into our 40's and 50's contentedly together without any more children.

Embrace life; family, friendships, hobbies, work , everything! If you love life, your life will be full of love.

All the best to you.

Didn't mean to sound all doom and gloom op! If it is any consolation my mother met her 2nd husband at 39, popped one out at 40, another at 41 and a surprise at 46!!

It's definitely possible but I think you need to be at peace with the option that it might not happen though. I'm a bit believer in being grateful for what we have and trying to look on more as a bonus rather than pinning all our hopes on things.

It might still be possible, but a) you might end up compromising on the quality of bloke because you know it's your last chance - I've seen quite a few women do that, and b) if you needed IVF it could severely strain the relationship.

Have you considered going it alone with donor sperm?

I met my husband at 36, I'm 38 now and will be 39 when we have our first child. Not too late - but crack on! Be ruthless with dating, pick only those who want children and women in our age bracket and ditch after two dates if you're not feeling it. I knew by date two this could be serious and by two weeks he'd moved in.

wow pippin, after 2 weeks? mumsnet will never believe it could work! :D glad to hear you've proved it can be done! congrats for the forthcoming event!

I met dp at 37 and had Dd at 42!

I am 37 and was 36 when I met DH. He was 41 when we met. I am currently nursing a colicy baby. Don't give up, it can happen.

The only thing I would say is have a plan B as nothing is certain. My plan B was to do this on my own and I had started looking at that before I met DH.
Good luck OP

OP - I think you need to work out what it is that you want.

You say you want a new partner, to have a loving home, and for more children.

But there is nothing which guarantees that those things come together. What if you meet a man who you love more than anything, who is wonderful, but then he tells you that he is sterile and can never have children? Would you dump him as he doesn't fit in with the second half? I'm assuming not.

I am going to be completely honest - you sound lovely, and likely a genuinely nice person, so please don't take this personally. I really dislike posts like this that say "I want to meet a new man and then have babies". I would feel equally uncomfortable if a man said "I want to meet a woman then have lots of children". Because the person involved seems absolutely objectified. Just a means to an end.

If you want children, have you considered simply going it alone? A sperm donor? Adoption? That way, you get what you actually want (another child) and if a man comes along who is right for you along the way, you will actually see him for what he is, rather than your last ticket to another chance of motherhood.

Kaykayblue, I don't think I would dump someone because they were sterile, but I'd at least want them to ant the intention to have children with me. My ex didn't and it should have been a red flag of some sort that he didn't care about my dreams or what I wanted from life so looking back yes, I regret not leaving him.

When we moved in together we agreed we wanted at least one child and we named them and made a 5 year plan. As soon as we moved in he started to put it off and eventually reneged completely.

I'd not want to go through a sperm donor or adoption alone, as one of the reasons I want to do this is to share in the experience with someone I love and feel that support and sharing through it.

Adoption and sperm donation don't make for any less of a parenting experience op. A differing one, if you really must, but you would still be parents together. I have friends who have gone through multiple rounds of fertility treatment to try and get their own egg/sperm to work, they are now pregnant with a donated egg and donated sperm and I don't see them any less elated for that.
My ex didn't [want a baby] and it should have been a red flag of some sort that he didn't care about my dreams or what I wanted from life
I do worry that you are fixating on what you want to the detriment of others wants and needs.
It is hard to compromise at times. I accidentally fell pregnant (total contraception fail) when DS was 5 - it would have been perfect timing, but the father was due to go to Afghanistan and I wasn't sure that our relationship would take the strain of that, let alone a baby. Plus he could have been killed and as it turns out he nearly was. We had to decide if my dream of more children was more important than the impact on DS if I ended up alone with two children. I had a termination and was devastated, but realised I had to focus on the needs of the child who I already had.
I'm not saying "give up on your dreams" - more like "don't strive for them in such a blinkered way that you compromise or neglect what you already have".

I was 38 when I married DH after nearly splitting up 6 months earlier. After an ectopic pregnancy and IVF, DS was born when I was 40, and I will be nearly 43 when DD is due next year. So from my experience, it is possible, but not necessarily easy and some luck is needed!

I know this doesn't get to the heart of your problems, but wanted to point out that there is nothing to stop you using a sperm donor - the baby part doesn't need a man and nor does the happy family bit.